How we doin', my Christmas puddins!
You join me this fine and festive eve for a non-violent knockoff Chrimbo crapfest!
Yes indeed, we'll be keeping it civil this evening because since I moved to this bloody place,
I haven't got a back yard anymore
or as I used to call it, a
But words hurt, baby, so let's get to beatin'!
So, every December the supermarket shelves positively bloat with
bargain basement trash for well-meaning mums to disappoint the kids with.
And if it's cheapo toys you're after, it seems this season B&M is the place to be
...and M.
'Cos alongside the assault of Avengers castoffs, Frozen garbage, and Minion tat,
you might just catch a glimpse into the seedy underbelly of knockoff Transformers.
That's actually what B&M stands for.
Bootlegs and minions.
So deep breath, try to relax, 'cos I'm going in!
Let's get this train wreck a-rollin' with this awkwardly-named 6 Pack Transforming Mech Droids!
Yes indeed, this sextuple sleazebox is available at B&Ms nationwide right now for only £19.99
featuring six micro-budget imposterbots and some deeply dull five-minute packaging design.
No goofy straplines, nothin' fun,
just standard photos, fabricated discounts and three fonts.
Ooh, Coalition?
Nice product shots though, the figures actually look pretty decent.
But I bet they're not!
So check out this gnarly Optimus Prime in kinda Bumblebee colours!
Like, it almost looks cool! I'm gettin' a kind of industrial vibe from the scrapmetal grey and the high-vis trousers.
Optimus Grime, anybody?
Now, I'm pretty sure this is an overblown ripoff of the super-simple Legends figure from Revenge of the Fallen
and it's actually a lot better than I anticipated.
Like, I really dig the sweet switch-out hand weapons.
that might actually be an original feature, but I'm sure it's just robbed from another variant.
I dunno, there's like a dozen!
And check this, they've even given it a spring-loaded rocket launcher!
God, knockoff launchers? That can't be safe.
But I guess it must be, with this Euro safety standard right in his face
so relax, officer!
Anyway, you may be wondering why his legs are fused together like that
and they actually weren't to begin with, but I transformed it once and now they're just locked in.
So that's it? We're just done with legs now? It's just pogo forever?
But I guess it could've gone a lot worse!
I mean, it's sorta pleasing with these bangin' metal smokestacks
and this sweet Chupa Chup Lucha Libre face.
Surprisingly, Li'l Grimy transforms passably well and the truck mode's actually pretty badass!
I mean, at its core it's just a blown-up and slightly anemic version of something that was already all right,
but at the very least it looks pretty sweet with the black and gold flames and the silly macho tampos.
What's that,
Now let's get all up inside Lyin'hide!
I wanna say this is an upscaled Legends figure? Or like a Fast Action Battler?
Y'know, one of the shit ones.
Nah, I'm all but certain this is 2007 Legends Ironhide blown up into a six-incher.
and I really can't decide if it works.
Check out the awkward kinda thrusting pose!
Like, I'm pretty sure the original one had slightly more movement than this
but this guy's just all Duffman all the time!
Plus, it really bothers me that I can't tell if those eyes are painted in, or if they're just empty face holes.
Good band name.
Transformation basically works, I suppose, and the vehicle mode's actually a real treat!
It's all overblown and gold plated.
It's like half Ironhide, half casino?
Let's not jerk it off too much, though - B&M didn't create this!
They just made it bigger and gave it a bazooka
and you could do the same thing with a potato.
Doesn't work. Straight up doesn't work.
So... F+.
Let's now get into these two clowns, who I've decided are
whom regular viewers may recognise from Beatdown 4, yeah?
Yes indeed, these are two more flavours of that one Bumblebian Beale fella
Or was it Ian Bumblebeale? Did we ever decide?
I must admit, I do find this thing kind of intriguing, with its dwarven stylings and Space Marine-ass weapons
not least 'cos it keeps showin' up everywhere and I've no idea where it came from!
So anyway, here's the green one, who I suppose is supposed to look like Crosshairs
back once again with the unnerving empty head.
I really don't like that face, its smug aura mocks me.
And the bad guy Barricade version's admittedly super cute!
Like, the cop car deco's fun and the head's very classically Transformery.
It's kind of a shame, then, that they're both so inescapably pitiful.
Just like old Bumblebian, they can't stand up and the joints are all weak and wibbly
and the transformation's a friggin' nonevent.
Like, it almost works, but it seems to require more force and more fiddling than the Z-grade plastc allows for.
Like, I really wanna get in there and mash it around, but it's all so flimsy and blade-like
that I just super don't feel good about it.
So sadly, the car modes are out, but check out little Barry's terrible tampos!
9-1-1 Rubdongs?
God, is THAT what they do?
More emergency-themed fun now with this ambulance idiot, who we'll call "Ratshit".
So rather than bein' a blowed-up tiny guy, this hapless husk is just a straight-up Fast Action Battler
with all the trimmings and none of the class.
That's so ratchet.
So, I guess the robot mode's kinda fine?
I mean, it's rockin' the legendary
and everything kind of works?
[exasperated laughter]
So I guess it must scrape past some kind of minimum requirement.
Wait - is that Dropshot's head?
Okay, now you're pandering.
Transformation kinda almost works?
Like, I dunno if it fits together perfectly, but y'know what? I'm kind of okay with it!
It's by far the best thing in the box. It's just cute as!
Like, I know it's a naff version of it, but it doesn't offend me
aside from it being Hasbro's handiwork with B&M's name on it.
Similar kind of thing with Smegatron here, who's a straight-up downgraded doppelganger
of the 2009 Cannon Blast Megatron in a kinda gross earwaxy colour.
Now, the earlier Movie Megatron toys were always a kind of unknown quantity
'cos they turned from an ugly lump of robot into an ugly lump of nothing
so I guess this just takes that to its logical conclusion.
What is goin' on with that head!?
It's like a horrifying nightmare clown with a blood-soaked grin
and then it comes off! [screaming]
Happy Christmas, little Billy! Here's a decade of night terrors.
Anyway, aside from being Trauma Central, it's also just a bad toy.
Like, the legs are wibbly as a wet noodle,
and the arms don't clip together in the nonsensical "tank mode".
[clears throat]
Ohhhh! Look what happened.
And look at this! For some reason he's got a little battery compartment there,
but then you open it up, and there's no points!
What is this!?
So it's an ugly, ill-functioning innocence-destroyer loaded with redundant gimmicks
AND it's the colour of extremely unhealthy diarrhoea?
Love it.
So that's the six pack, and I guess you could charitably call it a mixed bag?
I mean, it's 20 quid for two oversized Legends,
two soft-focus Fast Action Battlers,
and two mystery turds.
So out of six, I guess three of them are
...I don't wanna say good, but like, acceptable?
Oh, and you also get some character cards! Like, literal cards.
They're pieces of card.
Hang on, Space Robot? I thought these were Transforming Mech Droids!
What a hoax!
So if you think all that's worth twenty quid, I mean...
I'm not here to judge.
Just tellin' you the facts.
Ya scumbag.
All right, onto the next bit of peasant plastic:
check out this horrendously humungous Convertible Car-Bot!
Now, I actually picked up this thing at The Entertainer
but you can currently grab a 2-pack at Boring & Miserable for £25!
I mean, DON'T, but you CAN.
[sigh] So check it out, this is the yellow Ford GT variant and it's probably the worst thing I've ever seen?
I'm not even really exaggerating -
it's just sparse car parts draped over a hollow grey skeleton,
barely any engineering to speak of, it's just ghastly!
But like, it's kind of harmlessly bad?
Like, it's almost so bad that it goes all the way around past infinity and comes back to being kinda cool?
I mean, bless 'im! He's just a big doofy gangly dork with these ridiculous door wings
and come on, who among us isn't just sparse body parts draped over a skeleton?
Plus he's got way too many weapons,
some of which actually have functioning lights and sounds! God knows that was a shock.
[FIRE!] [RATATATATATATATAT]
[FIRE! FIRE!] [RATATATATATAT! BOOM!]
[FIRE! BOOM! RATATATATAT]
D'you want me to come back later, or...
[ZAP! ZAP! ZAP! RATATATATAT!] [INAUDIBLE ROBOTIC YELLING]
So, just sayin', if you're tempted to pick one up for the kids, just know it's terrible AND annoying.
Transformation's so obvious and barely operable
and the plastic's just so thin and horrible!
I didn't even do that! It just...
it did it itself!
It's so cheap!
(laughs) It's just comin' to bits!
I don't know what to do!
I'm not gonna lie, I kinda love this thing!
It's kinda so tragic as to be charming?
But it's not really a knockoff as such, so what's the problem?
Who's he hurting? Leave him alone, ya shit!
And look, the head even lights up, and
Prowl, get down, get back!
You can't take 'em all, budyy, just -
run!
Prowl-!
(screaming)
That's a joke about PTSD. D'you like that?
Happy Christmas!
But by far the most bewildering thing is that this rotten little wretch is sporting multiple Ford badges
and look, it even says on the back that it's officially licensed by
Superway International! We meet again!
(dramatic music sting)
So it would in fact appear that somebody at Ford actually signed off on a merchandising deal
with the world's shittest toy company.
And these things are showin' up worldwide, man!
There was a time when I'd get like four messages a week
from folks who'd seen 'em all over the planet!
So this is like, the flagship for Ford's merchandising empire.
They've got some reach, man, and they're representin' your brand,
and they're TERRIBLE!
Are you proud? Are you delighted to lend your badge to products of THIS standard?
Ford, get your shit together. This is unbecoming.
So until such time as you get some self-respect, I'll leave you with the immortal words of Henry Ford:
Now, how do you feel about shady two-bot combiner sets?
Presenting the Fusion Warriors!
So this cheap 'n' cheerful bro-bot briefcase showed up at Poundstretcher earlier this year
and then much later at - you guessed it - Biscuits and Melancholia
where they were repackaged as
...Robot Heroes?
Oh, meet me halfway...
So as I understand it, these are based on a Chinese line called Robo Revolution from Hyperwiz
and they're either knockoffs or just direct repackagings, 'cos who's ever heard of Robo Revolution?
So first up are the Poundstretcher Fusion Warriors!
This is Turbo Tron, the standard sports car simpleton,
and Rock Crusher, the bulldozer bot with the world's coolest job title!
Now, the quality on these is pretty pathetic -
like, the plastic's super light and thin and just lousy with imperfections
and the joints are horribly scrapey, like they're constantly ready to wear out.
The designs are kinda fun though, like Turbo Tron's the most generic possible version of this kind of robot -
Y'know, the standard hood-chest, lights-down Sideswipe-a-like
and the car mode's kinda nice, 'cos of course it is.
Rock Crusher's a right little dreamboat though!
I'm just a sucker for an industry bot and this kid's got potential!
Check out that squishy little bulldozer mode with the ridiculous treads
and check it out, he even comes with a Cosmic Broadsword he can't possibly use.
Good band name though.
Meanwhile, their Brash & Manly counterparts definitely raise the stakes in the name game!
Say hi to Fire Storm and Sergeant Justice!?
Are you kiddin' me?
Boringly though, the Sarge is just Turbo Tron again.
I mean, there's cosmetic differences, but come on. They're the same bloody thing
even with the same weird crucifix tattoo!
Meanwhile, Fire Storm totally steals the show!
Like, he's clearly the best one by miles, even if he is just Universe Inferno for babies.
Robot mode's enjoyably Optimus Primey,
truck mode's an absolute love pile with the Ultra Magnusy-y water cannon.
Heck, it's almost worth the £7.99 for this guy and the bit of the box that says "Sgt. Justice" on it.
But I guess we gotta deal with the combining charade, which is obviously gonna suck.
I was right.
So in both cases, you take the more interesting guy and fold him up into a pair of trousers
and then you flatten out the car man and just flop him on top of it.
and normally, combinin' robots gets me kinda pumped
but here, just... nothing.
Total flatline.
So this is Turbo Crusher and it's kind of a mess!
I mean, the design's pretty flawed anyway, with the one-way knee elbows
and all this junk in the trunk,
but like, the added plastic badness and underfunded colour scheme just make it extra disappointing.
As for the other guy, I guess he feels a bit better,
but like, Fire Storm's little baby legs just ain't built for two!
Plus the instructions want me to
Okay, jeez!
I mean, it's not gonna fit!
Just like these weapons don't fit anywhere.
So while he may have one of the best names I've ever seen on anything
turns out it's actually just a bit of a suck-quake
and a total wastevalanche of my eight poundsunami.
But honestly though, even though the combinin' element's a bit of a washout,
these Robo Revolution lads are super goddamn rare
so do even have the option to get A Version of them down your local B&M or Poundstretcher
I mean, you could do worse!
Is that a recommendation? I dunno.
Here's what I wanna know though - have you noticed all these things have got handles?
Why though? When are you ever gonna use that? Like, are you gonna take it out and about with ya?
I guess it does let you carry it to the checkout with one hand free to
And finally tonight, we've been gettin' reports here of something mighty unusual
knockin' abobut the aisles of Blatant & Mercenary.
Something dark and awesome and practically unheard of
concealed in a huge, dated-ass box like something out of Robot Wars.
From Derbyshire:
Morphotron.
[weird pervy chuckle]
Now this horrifying heart-throb is something of a new phenomenon, as far as I know.
This is the first time I've ever seen a bootleg of an unlicensed third party figure
on general sale at a major UK retailer!
Yes indeed, a second-hand use of a third party figure!
That's like, six parties.
So yes, "6-in-1 Morphotron" here, or Sixnot,
is a bargain basement downgrade of
Mastermind Creations Terminus Hexatron Shadow Emissary
which to my mind, also makes it the first known instance of the knockoff name being LESS embarrassing.
And you can grab one today from Bellends & Maniacs for ten quid
which is even more of a bonus 'cos it's normally £12.99
- yeah, but when though?
Now, this is where it gets a little tricky, 'cos you see, I don't like to legitimise knockoffs
by giving them a proper in-depth review
but this is exciting, man!
'Cos much as Terminus Hexatron's a massive edgelord, he is actually quite good
so hold me back, and let's just get slightly into this.
Like, just the tip.
So I guess it does look the part - like, it totally nails the none-more-black colour scheme
with some subtle gold leafing, 'orrible zombie green rifles and tiny scowling red eyes.
Gold...
Frankenstein...
and Grrr!
Quality's actually far from terrible.
Like, I think they scrapped an ankle tilt, only one of his elbows is ratcheted,
head's a big empty pistachio shell,
but overall it's a fairly semi-bang-up con job!
Like, unlike all those other jabronis, it's actually quite good fun to transform,
Like, I'm not worried it's gonna snap at any point
and it can pretty much nail all the modes, like, nothing much has been sacrificed, so everything works
so honestly, if we're talkin' strictly value for money,
then y'know, for a tenner, Johnny Six-year-old's gonna get a real kick outta this!
And, I mean, I'm gonna keep it! I mean, it's probably worth ten quid just for these two
Dr. Wu? more like, Dr. Who?
No, not like that!
But like, on the grown-up side of the argument, I really don't know how I feel about this.
'Cos there's part of me that wants to say, aren't third party toys already kinda knockoffs?
I mean sure, the toys themselves are original, but it's still Hasbro's IP! (booing in background)
And... I mean... I don't wanna get too deep into this topic. Let's keep it light, yeah? It's Christmas.
But what it comes down to is that two wrongs
can't make me give a shit. I'm keepin' it!
So get on down to Bent & Moldering and pick up some tat and have a grand old time!
Hey, they might even still have those Morphbots from last year
and you're never more than 30 feet from a Roadbot With Lights!
They are literally vermin.
But here's the weird thing - and I've seen a lot of this kind of tat -
and it's pretty standard, with this kind of obviously stolen releases, for retailers to at least
maintain the illusion of having bought 'em in from somewhere
so normally they slap on some kind of phoney-baloney manufacturer name, like Funtastic,
or Happy Well or Superway International,
or you actually do it - like, you get in bed with somebody obtusely Eastern
like Mengbadi or Kubianbao or
Wei Jiang Wang Fang Shong Wing Fu Yip Wong Po Ku
but like, this just says, "manufactured for B&M".
So that's it? No distance? No layers? No denial? No shame?
Just Boorishness & Malevolence, like, "Yeah, we nicked it, who cares?"
I'll TELL you who cares:
-- nobody.
'Cos generally nobody gives a crap! Not B&M, not Johnny Six-year-old, not his mum,
and here's me, Mr. Wise-ass Smartypants tryna set straight this watergate
and even I just admitted I like a few of 'em!
'Cos even though I bought these ironically to take the piss,
still bought 'em!
They've still got my money, ain't they?
So I suppose, after everything we've been through today,
we've learned absolutely nothing.
Thanks for watching?
So yes! Major cheers to good old Carl Megas for pickin' me up the Firenado lads
and to your sweet face for stickin' with me through the whole thing!
So from me and everyone else here at Thew HQ - it's just me -
won't you have a craptastic Christmas.
And if you don't do Christmas, then just have a nice Sunday.
Keep it counterfeit!