FOLKS--
WELCOME TO "THE LATE SHOW."
I'M YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) I BEGAN MY DAY AS I OFTEN DO, BY
CHECKING DONALD TRUMP'S TWITTER FEED TO SEE HOW FAR THE CRAZY
HAS SPREAD.
AND TODAY, I REALLY THINK HE'S OFF HIS BEDS, BECAUSE TODAY HE
WENT FROM CRAZY TO CRUEL, TWEETING:
WHAT?
WHAT WON'T YOU ALLOW?
SOCKS WITH SANDALS?
DANCING?
( LAUGHTER ) PLEASE TELL ME IT'S NOT ALCOHOL.
I NEEDS MY DRANK!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) I GOTTA HAVE IT.
WHAT COULD IT BE!
IT TOOK HIM 10 MINUTES TO TELL US WHAT IT WAS.
WHAT COULD IT BE.
10 MINUTES LATER HE TOLD US WHAT HE WON'T ALLOW INCLUDES
"TRANSGENDER INDIVIDUALS TO SERVE IN ANY CAPACITY IN THE
U.S. MILITARY.
OUR MILITARY MUST BE FOCUSED ON DECISIVE AND OVERWHELMING..."
VICTORY AND CANNOT BE BURDENED WITH THE TREMENDOUS
MEDICAL COSTS AND DISRUPTION THAT TRANSGENDER IN THE MILITARY
WOULD ENTAIL.
THANK YOU."
THANK YOU?
(BLEEP).
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) HE DOESN'T SAY IT.
SORRY.
WHY THE HELL WOULD HE DO THIS?
THIS ISN'T EVEN ONE OF HIS CAMPAIGN PROMISES.
BACK IN THE CAMPAIGN HE TWEETED THIS:
WHAT THE WILL DOES HE THINK THE "T" IN L.G.B.T. STANDS FOR?
TRUMP?
TOMATO?
"I'D LIKE AN L.G.B.T. SANDWICH, HOLD THE MAYONNAISE, AND NO GAY
STUFF, OKAY."
( LAUGHTER ) THE WHOLE THING--
THE WHOLE THING TOOK TRUMP-SUPPORTER CAITLYN JENNER
BY SURPRISE.
SHE TWEETED: ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
CAITLYN, I DON'T KNOW IF I'M THE FIRST PERSON TO BREAK THIS TO
YOU, BUT HE'S A LIAR.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
I KNOW-- I KNOW-- I KNOW HE SAID HE WAS YOUR FRIEND, BUT HE WAS
USING YOU, GIRL.
YOU DESERVE BETTER!
( LAUGHTER ) AND THOSE 15,000 TRANSGENDER
TROOPS, WHO VOLUNTEERED TO SERVE OUR COUNTRY, WERE MINDING THEIR
OWN BUSINESS, PROTECTING OUR FREEDOMS, WHEN THEY ALL GOT
FIRED BY TWEET.
THAT'S LIKE YOUR WIFE DIVORCING YOU BY COOKIE BOUQUET.
( LAUGHTER ) AND KEEP IN MIND, THIS IS WHAT
REALLY STINGS-- THEY ARE BEING REJECTED BY A RICH GUY WHO
DURING VIETNAM SIDESTEPPED THE DRAFT WITH FOUR DEFERMENTS
AND A MEDICAL DISQUALIFICATION FOR BONE SPURS IN HIS FOOT.
>> Audience: BOO!
>> Stephen: YEAH, YEAH, I KNOW, BUT THEY WERE MANLY BONE
SPURS IN A POWERFUL DUDE FOOT, OKAY, THAT JUST GOT ALL OUCHY
WHEN HE PUT IT IN A BOOT.
AND SOME TRANSGENDER VETERANS ARE NOT TAKING IT, LIKE FORMER
NAVY SEAL KRISTIN BECK, WHO SAID:
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) THAT'S A NAVY SEAL.
I WOULDN'T HOLD MY BREATH IF I WERE YOU.
I DOUBT HE'S GOING TO SHOW.
WHAT WITH THE FOOT AND ALL.
AND LET'S TALK ABOUT THOSE TREMENDOUS MEDICAL COSTS.
IT'S ESTIMATED THAT HEALTHCARE FOR TRANSGENDER PERSONNEL WOULD
ADD BETWEEN $2.4 MILLION AND $8.4 MILLION PER YEAR TO THE
MILITARY'S HEALTHCARE BUDGET.
TO PUT THAT NUMBER IN PERSPECTIVE, THE MILITARY SPENDS
FIVE TIMES AS MUCH ON VIAGRA.
AND IF YOUR ERECTION LASTS FOR MORE THAN FOUR HOURS, THAT'S TOO
BAD, BECAUSE YOU'RE STUCK ON A SUBMARINE FOR THE NEXT SIX
MONGST.
SO CLEARLY-- WHY SO MUCH VIAGRA?
IS THAT WHY THEY DON'T USE BAYONETS ANYMORE?
THEY JUST PUT AN EDGE ON THAT THING?
JUST SHARPEN THAT THING UP TO A MIRROR POLISH.
PUT THAT ONE OVER THERE.
OVER THERE.
SO, CLEARLY, IT'S NOT ABOUT THE MONEY OR THE MILITARY, BECAUSE
THE PENTAGON SEEMS TO HAVE BEEN UNAWARE THAT TRUMP HAS DECIDED
TO BAR TRANSGENDER PEOPLE FROM THE MILITARY.
SO, THE PENTAGON DIDN'T EVEN KNOW.
WAIT A SECOND, TRUMP SAID HE CONSULTED WITH "MY GENERALS."
I KNOW, THAT MUST BE A TYPO.
HE MEANT MY GENITALS.
DAMN YOU, SIRI.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) IT'S NOT HIS FAULT.
IT'S NOT HIS FAULT.
SO WHY IS HE BEING A JERK?
OTHER THAN PRACTICE?
PROBABLY TO TRY TO DISTRACT EVERYBODY FROM THE FACT THAT
REPEAL AND REPLACE IS GETTING ASS AND KICKED.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) OKAY, YOU GUYS REMEMBER
YESTERDAY-- WE WERE TALKING ABOUT THIS YESTERDAY.
YESTERDAY-- YOU GUYS MIGHT WANT TO WATCH YESTERDAY.
YESTERDAY WE WERE TALKING ABOUT HOW THE SENATE REPUBLICANS
CELEBRATED NARROWLY VOTING TO OPEN DEBATE ON THEIR
OBAMACARE REPEAL BILL.
WELL, THAT VICTORY IS ON LIFE SUPPORT ALREADY, BECAUSE LAST
NIGHT, THEIR PLAN TO REPLACE OBAMACARE LOT OF 43-57.
BUT BECAUSE THE REPUBLICANS HAD A BACKUP PLAN FOR THEIR BACKUP
PLAN, IT WASN'T OVER BECAUSE TODAY THE SENATE VOTED
ON AN AMENDMENT THAT WOULD REPEAL OBAMACARE BUT NOT TAKE
EFFECT FOR TWO YEARS, GIVING LAWMAKERS TIME TO COME TOGETHER
ON A REPLACEMENT PLAN BEFORE PEOPLE LOSE THEIR HEALTH CARE.
"GOOD NEWS, HONEY, I KNOW I PROMISED TO RE-DO THE
BATHROOM.
I COULDN'T AGREE ON HOW TO DO IT, SO I TORE OUT THE SINK AND
THE TOILET 3 NOW, DON'T POOP FOR TWO YEARS."
THEY HELD THE VOTE TODAY-- THIS AFTERNOON-- THEY HELD THE VOTE
TODAY AND THEY LOST AGAIN 45-55.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) BUT-- THAT'S FIVE TIMES.
THEY LOST FIVE TIMES.
BUT DON'T WORRY.
THEY HAVE A BACKUP-BACKUP- BACKUP PLAN, THE SO-CALLED
"SKINNY REPEAL,' WHICH I THINK IS MADE WITH SOY MILK.