-Thank you. Thank you so much.
I was just home, visiting my parents,
and I did not get that reaction.
So that was great.
They´re just sort of vaguely confused by me,
but I try to remember that, you know,
they grew up in a simpler time.
Like, my dad´s high-school girlfriend dumped him
because he didn´t have enough school spirit.
Which I think is the best reason ever to dump someone.
That makes me want to go back in time just so I can be like,
"I´m sorry, Wally. You know what´s comin´.
You don´t have enough school spirit.
It´s over.
Oh, don´t be cross.
I just don´t think I can put out
unless you get more enthusiastic about the Wildcats."
[ Cheers and applause ]
Thank you. And my dad is on Facebook.
I don´t know if anybody has a parent on Facebook,
but it´s so upsetting.
He´s very active.
His profile picture is so confusing.
He´s just sort of glaring into the distance.
I´m like, "Why would he choose that picture?
He looks actively furious."
Just has this confusing, haunting expression.
And then he writes these
long, political, unstable rants on Facebook.
And he doesn´t understand how to edit what he´s written,
so he edits by putting a comment beneath what he just wrote,
in the comments section.
He´ll be like, "I want to apologize,
but, in the passion of my earlier statement,
I´ve misspelled the following words."
And then he likes his own comment.
And my mom likes to log in and use my father´s Facebook page.
She goes, "Me and your father -- we share a Facebook page."
I´m like, "That´s not a thing.
You can´t make that a thing.
Dad has his own demonic page, and that´s his."
And she goes, "Well, I like to log in to your father´s account,
because I like to tell all your girlfriends
when they look gorgeous in their photos."
So it´s a disaster.
It just looks like my father is hitting on all of my friends.
Anytime any of my girlfriends post a picture of themselves,
my dad will, like, literally --
My mom will leap on to my father´s Facebook page
and be like, "My goodness.
What a foxy figure you have, Lisa.
Now, I just refuse to believe
you ever had a baby, with that smokin´-hot bod.
You are a real dish."
And then there´s my dad just glaring.
with this confusing,
satanic expression.
It just looks like he´s seducing all my friends.
I was looking for any reason to escape my parents´s house,
and I took a spin class.
I never do things like that.
I just wanted to go for the cycling part,
but then they were doing all this
inspirational yelling in the class.
I don´t know why that´s happening with exercise now.
Like, I don´t need that.
I don´t like that idea of like, "We´re all in this together!"
It´s like, "No, we´re not, Kelsey.
We are not in this together.
If I showed up at your house, you´d call the police.
That´s what would happen."
And then she sensed me resisting, the instructor.
She just kept trying to pull me in on the jazz of it all.
She goes, "Look at Rachel over there, Bike 36.
She´s in the corner there thinking, ´I´m a rock star.´"
I´m like, "I have never had that thought in my life."
I´m like, "How dare you, Kelsey? Don´t tell me what my mind says.
I´m quietly dying in a private corner
that I´ve chosen for myself.
I´ve never even thought, ´I´m a rock.´"
And then they make you say things
to the person next to you.
It´s so awful.
The instructor just kept going,
"Look at your neighbor on your right.
I want you to give her a high five and say,
"Get it, girl!´"
I´m like, "That´s one of the worst things
I´ve ever been asked to do."
I was panicking.
I´m like, "Is there a second option?
Can I just kill a bird or something?"
And then she goes, "Everyone, this is your moment.
I want you to take control of your life right now
and remove any toxic force
that no longer serves you on your journey."
And this girl just goes, "I hate you, Scott!"
And that brought me so much joy that I realized,
"Maybe I´m just a terrible person.
Maybe that´s the problem."
´Cause this poor woman´s pain is gonna fill me up for months.
I was laughing so hard,
I was bent over, weeping on my bike.
That happened a long time ago, and I still walk back and forth
with my roommate several times a day --
Every time I pass her in my apartment, I´m just like,
"I hate you, Scott!
This time, it´s real, Scott. I have boundaries.
I deserve better, Scott. I´m a rock star."
And she´s like, "Whatever.
Your dad just called me a smoke show on Facebook."
[ Cheers and applause ]
♫♫
-Oh, my God!
Rachel Feinstein! [ Cheers and applause ]
For from Rachel, please visit rachel-feinstein.com.