Tennis is a weird sport.
I’ve never met anyone who watches tennis with the expressed purpose of watching tennis.
It’s background noise, the screeching of shoes and the grunts of people usually too
attractive to grunt like that.
You don’t have a horse in this fight, but it’s a sport, so you watch it.
Every once in a while, you’ll pick up on a name, like Agassi or Nadal or the Williams
sisters, and you can feel like you know something about tennis.
Oh, and there’s love involved.
Somehow.
You can’t even sell jerseys or nothin’.
Maybe shoes.
That’s it.
Then, all of a sudden, they jam a bunch of Mario characters into a tennis game, and it’s
a big thing.
‘Course it is.
It’s Mario!
Mario Tennis!
Who wouldn’t want to see a giant dragon thing serving to an ape wearing a tie?
But why does Nintendo get all the fun?
What about a sassy hedgehog versus a futuristic retro news reporter?
(Don’t think on that too much.)
Or how about... several really creepy-looking monkeys?
Or this guy?
(I think it’s a guy.
Don’t hold me to that.)
Behold, Sega Superstars Tennis.
When in doubt, pound together characters from Sonic the Hedgehog, Space Channel 5, Super
Monkey Ball, Samba de Amigo, Jet Set Radio, Nights into Dreams, more Sonic the Hedgehog...
heck, drag Alex Kidd and the dude from Golden Axe out of mothballs.
They need some air.
Hand ‘em all tennis rackets.
Let ‘em go to town.
Cart racers and fighting games have been done, man.
Tennis is the wave of the future.
Your primary challenge in this competition is to stay awake during a tennis match, which
trust you me is no easy task.
Fortunately, there’s a Space Channel 5 stage which offers a big, brassy rendition of that
series’ theme, which just might do the trick.
From a functional standpoint, I can’t say this is among the better tennis games I’ve
played.
Sure, the cast is interesting, but they’re animated poorly, the controls and timing are
almost inexplicable at times, and the vocal samples are repetitive and annoying.
(Not unlike real tennis.)
Fortunately, the somnolent nature of the game itself is subverted by the challenge of putting
absurd and oftentimes physically dubious spin on the ball, unleashing big, flashy power
shots (which may confuse or mildly inconvenience your opponent), and of course, giving the
entire premise a miss and crafting strange, inexplicably tennis-based mini-games like
- and I can’t make this up - THE TENNIS.
OF.
THE DEAD.
This, to me, is one of the game’s prime selling points.
Ulala, beating back a shambling hoarde of monsters, with a tennis racket and gargoyles
that fire... tennis balls.
Just sit back and drink that one in, folks.
That’s crazy at its best.
Even worse?
CIVILIANS RUNNING ACROSS THE COURT!
Who do they think they are?
Ball boys?
THERE ARE ZOMBIES AND DANCERS AND TENNIS HERE.
GET OUT WHILE YOU STILL CAN!
Man.
No getting through to these people.
Anyway, in addition to directly accessing the minigames and basic matches, there’s
a mission-centric Planet Superstars mode which takes you through various Sega-flavored competitions
and challenges.
If you’re really looking for a tennis game that doesn’t have any Mario characters on
it... this is one of ‘em.
And it can be yours on PS2 or 3, 360, Wii, or DS!
Get your tennis-and-gogo-dancing fix wherever you go.
What’s love got to do with it?