when it comes to horror anthology shows
Tales from the Crypt was the one which
had the biggest impact on my generation
because it aired on HBO
it was completely uncensored giving us
the most gruesome taste of horror on our
humble living room TV screen and let's
not forget one of the greatest horror
hosts ever the Crypt Keeper Oh the days
of animatronic wisecracking corpses are
long gone I also remember the Saturday
morning cartoon Tales from the Crypt
Keeper what a contrast it's like hey
kiddies here's the show that's safe for
you to watch but don't you really want
to grow some balls and watch this the
show's name came from the ICI horror
comic of the 1950's but many of its
stories were taken from the vault of
horror the haunt of fear and shock
suspense stories many of the plots dealt
with Siamese twins dummies and cruel
people who get supernatural punishments
I present to you my favorite episodes
it's cinemassacre x' top ten number ten
and all through the house this is only
the second episode back then the idea of
making a Christmas themed horror movie
was kind of ironic and original a woman
kills her husband and then is stalked by
a crazy psychopath wearing a Santa
outfit she can't call the cops because
her husband's body's still laying in the
yard there's some pretty good scares and
it's just as entertaining as any of the
slasher movies coming out at the time
just without the filler number nine
carry on death this is one of the more
simple episodes it focuses on a criminal
who's running for the Mexican border
he's being chased by a police officer he
gets handcuffed but ends up killing the
officer now he's stranded in the desert
and has to drag the dead body all over I
won't spoil the ending but I will say
it's so simple and so stupid you gotta
love it number 8 the switch Arnold
Schwarzenegger directed this episode and
actually appears alongside the
Cryptkeeper
a rich and elderly bachelor wants to
seduce a young woman so it goes to a mad
doctor who knows how to make him younger
the plan is to surgically trade bodies
with a young man who's willing to
sacrifice for the money but this woman
happens to be very picky and doesn't
even really know what she wants
I won't say what happens but the payoff
is a good one number seven my brother's
keeper here we have two Siamese brothers
one of them is nice and the other one is
just a mean rotten piece of [ __ ] he
wants to be separated from his nicer
brother so he does everything in his
power to make his life miserable like
being an [ __ ] when he's out on a date
it doesn't really make any sense why
would the good twin not want to be
separated from the bad twin besides
they're just barely connected by the hip
how hard could the operation be that's
the only flaw in this episode but it's a
riveting drama of two brothers who hate
each other's guts
number six ventriloquist dummy a
struggling ventriloquist goes to his
Idol for help he wants to know his
secret and well he gets it the trick to
his success is having a Siamese brother
on his hand this little guy is the real
talent he's the only reason why this is
one of my top episodes all this
craziness going on it's like an early
Sam Raimi or Peter Jackson film number 5
split personality Joe Pesci plays a
[ __ ] artist who meets a pair of
twins they happen to be rich so he
pretends that he has a twin brother of
his own just so he can marry both of
them and inherit a hundred percent of
their fortune combined the reason this
is one of my favorites is because Pesci
is always phenomenal in these kind of
roles as a sleazy con man but the real
twins have their own tricks up their
sleeve number four strung along Zack
Galligan from gremlins plays a puppeteer
who goes to a Golden Age marionette
performer to learn the tricks of the
trade the only problem is that the wife
doesn't want the poor guy around it may
sound like the same old dummy story but
this one's a little different it's a
great episode because it tells a story
of deception and of a husband and wife's
relationship falling apart besides we
get to see a dummy killing people number
three the third Pig the seventh and
final season went way downhill every
episode by that point
boring and unwatchable until all of a
sudden in the very last episode they hit
you with a cartoon yes
the only animated episode in the entire
series
it's a bloody disgusting retelling of
the three little pigs
the big bad wolf kills the first two
pigs the third pig is convicted of the
murders his brothers come back to him as
ghosts and then he creates a Franken Pig
holy hell this episode is [ __ ]
awesome number 2 yellow this is the only
episode that's an hour long a soldier in
World War one is convicted of the death
of his fellow troops on the grounds that
he was a coward and negligent in the
face of danger so he has to confront the
general who happens to be his own father
the son never wanted to be in the war
but the father is a cold-hearted man of
the machine and won't have it any other
way the young soldiers played by Erik
Douglas and the general is his real-life
father Kirk Douglas there's an all-star
supporting cast including Lance
Henriksen and Dan Aykroyd and it's
directed by Robert Zemeckis this is
another really unique episode it's not
horror material and nothing remotely
supernatural happens but it's better
than TV quality it's like a movie it may
be the best episode if you take a
serious stance but my personal favorite
is gonna have to be one that's more
funny and over-the-top it has to be one
that I like to watch repeated times and
enjoy more every time I see it
number one cutting cards it's a rival
story of two gamblers who have an
excruciating hatred for one another we
don't know why but that's not important
all that matters they [ __ ] hate each
other so they decide to play Russian
roulette they load the revolver with one
bullet spin the cylinder and each take
turns pulling the trigger until one of
them gets killed but it doesn't work out
because the bullet is a dud
come on maybe got wet God you can't talk
you wear this [ __ ] thing
shouldn't he be happy to be alive he's
more concerned about there being a
chance of the other guy dying that's how
much he hates him next thing they're
playing another game where they get to
chop each other's fingers off both of
them know how much it hurts but they
have zero sympathy you can see the
expression in their face how much they
love it when they get their turn the
performances by Kevin Tai and Lance
Henriksen are outstanding seeing these
guys go at it for me is the highlight of
the series
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