(upbeat music)
- [Narrator] From West Hollywood, California,
the only news team that doesn't know
what's on the teleprompter before they read it.
Anyone who laughs or breaks loses points.
This is Breaking News.
- Good evening, and welcome to Breaking News,
the show where we don't know what we're about to say
and we're not allowed to smile or laugh.
I'm Car-less Mencia.
- I'm a Birdy in a Bottle Baby
You Gotta Rub Me the Right Way.
- Tonight's first story,
Things That Go Woop in the Night.
Now these are things like owls and ghosts and the wind.
What a fascinating topic
and not much is known about Things Go Woop in the Night.
We hardly even covered it in school.
Maybe a couple years in elementary school
and then again in high school, but that's it,
but I'll tell you one thing,
keep those woop noises out of here.
They scare the living pizza out of me.
- You can say that again,
I'm a Birdy in a Bottle Baby
You Gotta Rub Me the Right Way.
- My least favorite woop?
This one.
(exaggerated woop)
- Oh, god!
That was awk-ful!
That's a word I just made up
that combines awkward and awful.
I'm trying it out.
- I know.
- Here, now let me try one.
(exaggerated woop)
- Gross!
I want to die, but for a different reason entirely.
- And what reason is that?
- I wanna see if you really get
to eat all the ice cream you want in heaven.
- That's beautiful.
Now, let's head over to Entertainment News
with Rick K Brick.
- Thanks, Car-less Mencia.
Kids everywhere are putting on their sneaker shoes
and getting ready to dance
to all the latest jams of the summer.
- Jams?
Jams?
Let's talk about jams.
I hope you have some examples of these jams.
Are we talking strawberry jams?
Blueberry jams?
Raspberry jams?
- No, you foolish little (bleep).
I'm talking about song jams.
You know, music to make our hips sway.
- Well, get to it then.
- Songs of the summer go like this.
God built up a city.
He tossed down some propane.
It started up a fire and now the trees are dead.
- So good.
- Other songs go like this.
Spanking for the boys.
Hard spankings for the boys.
Oh, I'm singing spankings for the boys.
Hard spankings for the boys.
Their buns will burn.
(laughs)
And their buns will burn.
Hard spankings for the boys.
- Really good melody on that one.
- I didn't include a melody in that one.
(laughs)
Because if I do, we won't be able to legally use it.
And still other songs go like this.
Mr. Hamilton said, "don't do it."
Mr. Hamilton said, "it's a trap."
Mr. Hamilton said he loved me
and then he took it back.
Oh, I got the blues.
Macaroni and cheese.
- I am sorry to interrupt, Rick K Brick,
but I'm getting word that we have breaking news
from the local mall.
Reporter Tim Taffy is live at the scene.
Tim, give me some of that news
and give it to me the way I like it.
- This just in, a bunch of (bleep) kids
are about to (bleep) eat (bleep).
They keep doing that gross thing where you flip your eyelids
and it's freaking me out so much.
I'm about to lose it.
- That sounds awful!
Why would they do that?
- I don't know, man.
I'll just be standing here and one of them will say,
"Hey, news boy, get a little of this hot picture of my mom."
So of course I'll turn to look
and there will just be a regular picture of his mom.
- Beauty is in the eye of the something.
I don't know what.
- Shut up, I'm talking!
Anyway, I'll say, "hey that's not particularly hot."
And he'll lower the picture
and it'll just be him with his (bleep) eyelids!
I hate it.
It's not fair that I have to be
on the street with the people
and you guys get to be in a studio.
- Anything else to report about the children?
Is there anything?
Anything else?
- Yes!
They've been throwing eggs at me left and right.
I'll turn left and there will be eggs.
I'll turn right and there will be eggs.
Where the hell are you getting money to buy all these eggs?
- Fascinating.
- Also, someone said they liked my shoes,
but I get the feeling they were actually making fun of me.
It was something about the way they said it.
It made me really self-conscious.
This is the worst job.
- Well, that's all the time we have tonight.
Thank you to all our viewers for tuning in.
Before we go, we have to acknowledge this week's loser.
Me!
- [Lily] Andy Bustillos.
- [Andy] That's right, that's my name.
Thanks for watching.
- Don't wave.
- Don't wave. - [Brennan] Don't wave.
It (bleep) up the green screen when you wave.
- You (bleep) loser.
- Andy.
- [Lily] Andy.
- Don't you hear what I'm saying?
- I didn't know. - Andy.
- No one told me.
- [Narrator] Like what you just saw?
Of course you do.
You're an informed citizen!
Well, guess what?
10 more episodes of Breaking News
will be available for you exclusively on Dropout.
Go to dropout.tv and start your free trial today.
(laughs)