So you've finally got up the nerve to talk to that saucy dish in your class who you're sweet on,
and she actually talked back!
Your childhood friend who you haven't seen in ten years just moved back into town,
and you're already getting along like she never left.
And your little sister has taken to cooking wholesome American lunchboxes
full of jelly donuts, hash browns and mashed potatoes for you.
I bet you're feeling pretty good about yourself right now.
Well, stop.
Because you've found yourself in a dangerous situation that has spelled disaster for many men across America.
You are now the protagonist of a harem anime, and if you don't act quickly, it could destroy your life.
I know what you're thinking; "How could this possibly be a bad thing?
"Dames chasing after me left and right? Who could be unhappy about that?"
You could, son, because your life is now in a state of karmic imbalance.
For every bit of fortune you experience with the opposite sex, you will find equal misfortune in everything else.
You must prepare yourself for a string of disasters that could ruin your life,
and enough accidental sexual assaults to start your own hashtag.
By the way, you're going to want to take notes on this,
because odds are you're pretty dumb, and in all honesty, just the worst.
Now that you're sufficiently aware of the danger, the standard advice for any disaster scenario applies;
Don't panic.
However, it is of even greater importance to a harem anime protagonist,
because in the event that you do panic, it will result in you accidentally stripping or groping someone.
The laws of physics themselves are now conspiring
to get all of your female acquaintances naked whenever possible.
Think of it like Murphy's Law; "Anything that can can go wild, will go wild."
You must practice your balance, and maintain constant awareness of what's behind you,
just in case someone accidentally bumps into you, and then you stumble forward five feet
and somehow hook your fingers around your classmate's skirt
while your face gets buried in her bosom.
...and then also a second girl will trip, and her butt will land on your other open palm.
You might think that you can just avoid this by never going outside,
but if you do, all of the girls you know will come over to your house to see if you're okay.
One of them will arrive first,
and the second one will arrive just in time to see you accidentally end up in a compromising position
after you stumble while trying to get your guest some wholesome American coffee and beer.
This happens every time, without fail.
And don't even consider asking your parents for help.
They've already fucked off to Europe without a trace.
You have no choice but to go about your daily routine as usual.
Accidents will inevitably happen, but if you're careful then you can keep them to a minimum.
Remember your A - B - Cs; "Awareness," "Balance," and "Clenched Fists,"
because you can't accidentally strip or grope someone if your hand isn't open.
Although this will result in you punching a lot of tits.
Now that you're practising basic safety protocols, it's time for the most important step of all;
Identifying Your Harem.
Every harem is made up of "tropes," extremely strong traits that define a girl's entire personality.
While it might seem like a sociological event, a harem is actually a weather pattern
that naturally occurs when three or more of these tropes converge in a single classroom.
These tropes will naturally gravitate toward the most boring person in the room,
that's you,
drawn to his total lack of personality like opposite poles of a magnet.
Identifying which of these tropes have formed your harem is the key to your survival.
The first one you must be aware of is the "tsundere," a cold front that naturally becomes warmer over time.
This shifting pattern is responsible for much of the chaos in a harem weather system,
and in all observed instances, there is always at least one tsundere present.
Scientists have theorized that it is possible for a harem to form without a tsundere,
but this has never been observed in nature.
The tsundere can be identified by her telltale catchphrase;
"It's not like I did it for you or anything. B-baka!"
as well as the fact that she's just a total bitch, like, all the time.
If you upset the tsundere remember, protect the head and neck.
Your first instinct may be to guard your groin against her assault, but this is a mistake.
You need to be prepared for a roundhouse kick, a suplex,
or an uppercut that sends you flying until you're a little cartoon twinkle on the horizon.
95% of harem protagonists suffer some sort of brain damage in their first week
as a result of the tsundere's "cute antics,"
and while this mostly just results in some degree of social or cognitive disability,
causing subjects to exhibit an inability to read basic social cues
or just MAKE UP THEIR FUCKING MINDS ALREADY,
in extreme cases the consequences can be deadly.
Though not nearly as deadly as a harem with a "yandere" in it.
A yandere is like a tornado, pleasant and calm when you're at the center of her world,
but violent and destructive as soon as you try to leave it.
You can identify the yandere by her slightly-too-sweet smile,
and her insistance on always calling you "senpai," even if she knows your real name.
If you are unlucky enough to end up in this worst-case scenario, you have but one option.
Run, and run fast.
You will need to fake your death, move to a different country, preferably on a different continent,
and assume a new identity there.
If you need help with this, please refer to the previous tape in this series, "So You Think You're a Zeppeli?"
Fortunately, the yandere is a very rare occurance in nature,
although because, as we have established, you are the worst,
it is entirely possible that you could transform one of your other, less dangerous tropes into a yandere
by being a total goddamned jackass.
You jackass.
As such, it is vital that you know and understand what other forces are at play in your life.
Here are the tropes you are most likely to encounter, ranked in order of potential danger.
First, there's the "sadodere," or "sadist,"
a girl who expresses her affection mainly by physically and emotionally abusing you.
While this can be good fun in a controlled environment between consenting adults with a safeword,
in day-to-day life it is likely to cause many problems for you.
On her own she's an annoyance, but her tendency to lie and manipulate other people
can dramatically amplify the typical dangers inherent in a harem system.
Fortunately, the sadist is easy to identify by her behaviour once she stops pretending to be nice,
so once you're aware of her keep your distance,
unless you're into that,
and whenever another girl seems to be mad at you for no reason in particular,
ask the sadist if she had anything to do with it, and wouldn't mind clearing things up if she did.
The "himedere," "ojou," or "princess" is almost as arrogant and demanding as the sadodere,
though without her typical manipulative façade of sweetness.
You can spot a princess a mile away from her haughty demeanor,
but if you're not good at picking up on social cues, and let's be real here, you're not,
you can also identify her by this noise:
- "OOHOHOHOHOHOHOHO!!"
- "OOOHOHOHOHOHOHOOOOHOHOHO!!"
In the early stages of a harem's development, the himedere's stubbornness may prove troublesome.
However, she is not prone to violence like the tsundere,
so your only worry around her should be any servants that she may have,
who are probably retired assassins or something.
You'd be surprised at just how many hitmen make the jump to domestic servitude.
Then there's the "genki girl," or "deredere," always warm and sunny, but still a bit chaotic.
You can typically identify this girl by her interest in sportsball, as well as her cheerful, adorable smile.
This is the least dangerous of all the tropes, except in the vicinity of the tsundere,
where her oblivious, good-natured affection will probably get you punched.
Repeatedly.
There's also a possibility that the deredere could secretly be a yandere,
so watch out for telltale signs, such as use of the word "senpai,"
and the frequent disappearance of cats and other small animals in your neighbourhood.
Finally, the "kuudere," literally "cooldere," and "dandere" are both quiet and mostly stick to themselves
one out of detatchment and lack of emotion, the other out of shyness.
Both can be identified by their general lack of speech.
When approached, a kuudere will respond cynically and pragmatically,
while a dandere will typically blush and stammer.
Neither poses any substantial threat,
though it is advised that you check on the kuudere once per day just to make sure she's not dead.
There are further variation on these tropes that you may encounter,
as well as rarely-occouring tropes such as "drunken older harlot"
and the "kanedere," who wants your money,
but it is highly unlikely that your harem will include any of these,
and even if it does, they probably won't matter.
By and large, 99% of harems consist of the tropes mentioned before with slightly different hair colors.
Note that it is entirely possible that your younger sister will manifest one of these tropes,
usually either the genki girl, the kuudere, or the tsundere.
This used to be a very rare occurrence, but in the last decade it has become much more common,
something many scientists are attributing to global climate change.
If this happens to you, you need to remember one key thing above all else:
DON'T FUCK YOUR SISTER! SHE'S YOUR SISTER!
Now, you may discover that your sister is adopted.
She may actually be your stepsister or your cousin.
In such special circumstances,
STILL DON'T HAVE SEX WITH HER, YOU DEGENERATE, GARBAGE HUMAN BEING!!
JESUS H. CHRIST, THERE ARE HALF A DOZEN BEAUTIFUL, NOT-RELATED-TO-YOU-AT-ALL WOMEN
IN YOUR LIFE RIGHT NOW, WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU!?
Now that you have properly identified your harem, you can plan your escape.
Assuming you don't die or get arrested, this can end in one of two ways.
Either the system achieves equilibrium and you are stuck in a perpetual loop of hijinks,
surrounded by girls who won't actually have sex with you,
or you pick one and spend the rest of your life with her.
Because we all know that high school dating is the strongest, most lasting kind of romance.
It is highly advised that you pursue the latter option,
as attempting to sustain a harem in the long term dramatically increases the chance of death-by yandere.
So to escape, you must pick a girl.
This will be hard for you.
If making up your mind was in your nature, you wouldn't be in this situation in the first place.
But I promise you this:
Realizing that you have feelings for someone and then telling them how you feel isn't rocket science.
People do it literally every day.
Some people multiple times in one day.
But their lives are complicated.
And if you don't want your life to be complicated,
you need to stop wasting everyone's time and make up your fucking mind for once.
If you need help, remember; the genki girl is usually best girl.
Once you've completed the Herculean task of deciding which girl you're most attracted to,
your next step is to confess your feelings to her.
Because if you wait for her to do it, trust me, you're going to be here for a while.
This will not go smoothly,
so when you make your confession, you're going to want to make a few backups.
That means writing down on paper exactly how you feel, in clear, impossible to misinterpret language,
making sure to both sign your name and explicitly address it to her,
then taking a picture of the paper with your cellphone,
and finally, getting the text both engraved on a metal dog tag
and tattooed somewhere on your body that has no lewd connotations whatsoever.
That might sound excessive, but it's probably still not enough.
When you meet the girl to tell her how you feel,
another girl will inevitably interrupt you right in the middle of a word
that the girl you like can misinterpret to mean that you have feelings for someone else.
Fortunately, you have already slipped your note into her bag just in case of such an emergency,
and when her bag catches fire or is stolen, you, being prepared, have already texted the note to her as well.
That image will probably be corrupted, which is where the dog tags come in.
And... well, I think you get the idea.
It is imperative that you actually, effectively convey how you feel,
and don't let yourself get tricked into thinking that she rejected your confession
due to a simple misunderstanding.
Otherwise, you could be in for a series of increasingly ridiculous events
as the harem system builds to a climax around you,
and even if you weather the storm,
there is a better-than-average chance that you will be in for another harem season
if you don't manage to definitively lock that down.
If you complete all of these steps and are still rejected,
then you have probably not weathered the harem long enough.
Select a different girl, and try again in three to four weeks.
And in the meantime, while you are weathering this storm, remember A - B - C - D:
"Awareness," "Balance," "Clenched Fists,"
and "Don't Fuck Your Sister."
This message was paid for and approved by His Holiness The Anime Pope.
English subtitles by Axleheart