WELCOME TO "THE LATE SHOW," EVERYBODY.
I'M YOUR HOST STEPHEN COLBERT.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) IT'S FIRST DAY OF SNOW HERE IN
NEW YORK, BUT DID IT STOP THESE PEOPLE?
NO!
THESE PEOPLE ARE LIKE THE POSTAL SERVICE, IN THAT DONALD TRUMP
WISHES THEY BOTH DIDN'T EXIST.
( LAUGHTER ) OF COURSE, TRUMP DOESN'T LIKE A
LOT OF THINGS THESE DAYS.
PRETTY GRUMPY.
REPORTS ARE HE'S MOPING AROUND THE WHITE HOUSE.
ONE SOURCE SAYS, "HE'S PISSED-- AT DAMN NEAR EVERYONE."
( LAUGHTER ) WOW.
BEING PRESIDENT HAS REALLY WORN HIM DOWN.
REMEMBER, INAUGURATION DAY WHEN HE WAS SO LIGHT-HEARTED AND
FILLED WITH JOY?
>> AMERICAN CARNAGE -- >> STEPHEN: THAT'S ENOUGH!
( LAUGHTER ) ANOTHER FORMER STAFFER SAYS,
"THIS IS A LEVEL OF INSANITY I'VE NEVER SEEN BEFORE."
A LEVEL OF INSANITY THIS WHITE HOUSE HAS NEVER SEEN BEFORE.
AND, KEEP IN MIND, THIS WHITE HOUSE HAS SEEN KANYE.
( LAUGHTER ) CURRENT AND FORMER OFFICIALS ARE
DEBATING THE CAUSE OF TRUMP'S OUTBURSTS, RANGING FROM HIS
FEARS OVER HIS SON DON JR.'S LEGAL EXPOSURE TO THE PROSPECT
THAT HOUSE DEMOCRATS WILL UNLEASH INVESTIGATIONS IN
JANUARY.
OTHER THEORIES INCLUDE: THE STOCK MARKET, THE EXISTENCE OF
STAIRS, AND A POSSIBLE MCRIB SHORTAGE.
( LAUGHTER ) ONE OF THE THINGS THAT HAS TRUMP
UPSET IS HIS TRIP TO FRANCE BECAUSE IT DID NOT INCLUDE A
GRAND MILITARY PARADE LIKE THE ONE HE WITNESSED A YEAR AGO ON
BASTILLE DAY, LEADING HIM TO WONDER WHAT THE POINT OF THE
TRIP WAS.
( LAUGHTER ) (AS TRUMP)
"WHY DID WE EVEN COME HERE?
THEY HAVE A PERFECTLY GOOD FRANCE AT EPCOT, PLUS JALAPENO
POPPERS OVER AT THE MEXICO PLACE, AND MICKEY LEADS A
KICK-ASS MILITARY PARADE!" NOW, THERE ARE RUMORS THAT TRUMP
IS ABOUT TO FIRE A BUNCH OF PEOPLE INCLUDING CHIEF OF STAFF
JOHN KELLY, BUT KELLY "HAS DECIDED TO HANG IN THERE AND GET
HUMILIATED DAY AFTER DAY."
I THINK THAT'S ACTUALLY A WHITE HOUSE MOTIVATIONAL POSTER.
( LAUGHTER ) KELLY IS THE CAT.
( LAUGHTER ) AND TRUMP HAS A BIZARRE REASON
FOR KEEPING KELLY ON.
AS ONE INSIDER PUT IT, "THE MORE THE PRESS WRITES THAT JOHN KELLY
IS GONE, THE MORE TRUMP IS EMBOLDENED TO KEEP HIM JUST TO
PROVE THEM WRONG."
THERE'S YOUR STABLE GENIUS AT WORK.
( LAUGHTER ) (AS TRUMP )
"THE MEDIA REPORTED I HAVE NO PLANS TO PUNCH MYSELF IN THE
NARDS, SO STRAP IN, BERT AND ERNIE, IT'S GONNA BE A BUMPY
NIGHT!" ( LAUGHTER )
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) WE DON'T KNOW THAT FOR A FACT.
BERT AND ERNIE, I DON'T KNOW.
>> Jon: OH, NO.
>> Stephen: BUT TRUMP'S NOT JUST MOPING AROUND THE WHITE
HOUSE, HE'S ALSO MOPING AROUND THE TWITTER --
"THE INNER WORKINGS OF THE MUELLER INVESTIGATION ARE A
TOTAL MESS.
THEY HAVE FOUND NO COLLUSION AND HAVE GONE ABSOLUTELY NUTS.
THEY ARE SCREAMING AND SHOUTING AT PEOPLE, HORRIBLY THREATENING
THEM TO COME UP WITH THE ANSWERS THEY WANT.
THEY ARE A DISGRACE TO OUR NATION AND DON'T DOT-DOT-DOT--"
"--DOT-DOT-DOT-DOT CARE HOW MANY LIVES THEY RUIN.
THESE ARE ANGRY PEOPLE, INCLUDING THE HIGHLY CONFLICTED
BOB MUELLER."
HE'S SO TRANSPARENTLY PROJECTING ALL HIS INSECURITIES ONTO
MUELLER.
(AS TRUMP) "I'M NOT OUT OF CONTROL.
MUELLER IS.
POOR MAN, OVERWEIGHT, BAD HAIR, BIG DIAPER TENNIS SHORTS,
TOTALLY COLLUDED WITH RUSSIA, AND DID YOU SEE THAT VIDEO OF
HIM NOT KNOWING HOW TO WORK AN UMBRELLA?
SO SAD.
SO EMBARRASSING.
NO WONDER HE HAS A TERRIBLE RELATIONSHIP WITH HIS WIFE,
MUELLER-ANIA."
( LAUGHTER ) THAT'S A HARD WORD TO SAY,
MUELLER-ANIA.