What's up, Boston?
How you guys doing?
(audience cheering)
Wow.
This is crazy. I love Boston.
This is the second time I've been to Boston
in, like, the past month, and I love it.
'Cause the first time I went,
I went to a place I've never been before.
It's called Southie.
(audience laughs, whoops)
Yeah.
It's a white ghetto.
(laughter)
I've never seen a white ghetto in my life!
It was ama...
I saw a white lady steal a bike.
And she was wearing a helmet.
It was amazing.
It was the coolest thing I've ever seen, man.
This is, uh, this is cool because this is, like,
a dream come true for me to do comedy,
you know, for so many people, you know?
I've been listening to "Juicy" a lot to get inspired.
You ever listen to Biggie's "Juicy"?
It's, like, the greatest song of inspiration ever.
You know?
I... It's weird though. It's not the same song
as when I heard it when I was, like, 12.
'Cause there's a line in there when he goes,
♪ Super Nintendo, Sega Genesis ♪
♪ When I was dead broke, man ♪
♪ I couldn't picture this. ♪
That's, like, $300-worth of merchandise.
It's not a lot of money, man.
I've been dead broke my whole life,
and I've had a Sega Genesis.
I didn't have a Super Nintendo, but I could picture it.
It wasn't like...
But it's fun though, it's good, because it's,
you know, like, if I wasn't doing comedy,
I don't know what I'd be doing, you know?
I don't know what I'd be doing. It wouldn't be good.
I'd try, like, I would try to get a regular job.
It's embarrassing.
I'd have to, like, lie on my résumé.
You know how humiliating that is?
You ever lie so bad on your résumé
that you can't believe you didn't get
the job?
You want to go back to Foot Locker.
Like, really, Foot Locker?
Who the (bleep) do you hire
that has eight-year mayoral experience?
(laughs)
And a degree in physics?
Who is this amazing
shoe salesman?
I don't have a degree. I didn't even go to college.
And I'm glad I didn't because I do this.
So I don't have to go to college for this.
And all my friends that went to college are in crazy debt.
Like, real debt.
I got a friend that's $80,000 in debt
with an English degree.
I learned English for free.
(laughs)
It was the first thing I learned.
And I talk to this dude every day.
I understand everything he's saying.
He doesn't know a special kind of English.
He doesn't talk like the Game of Thrones.
It's just regular English.
And you know what he does for a living?
He teaches English.
'Cause that's the only thing you can do with an English degree.
It's a (bleep) pyramid scheme.
I do like, uh, doing comedy though because...
I got to pay taxes. That's the worst part.
That's the wor... You ever pay taxes?
I never paid taxes before.
It's an awful feeling.
I've had taxes taken, but I've never paid taxes.
And that's two totally different things.
'Cause when you have taxes taken, you get a job
every week and they just take the taxes out of your check.
They just take it. You don't get a choice.
They just take it and they keep taking it
till the end of the year where they're like,
"Hey, I think we might've took too much.
(laughs)
"Here's $500 back.
Go buy yourself some sneakers or something."
And you're like,
"Thanks, government. We're going to Red Lobster tonight.
"This is amazing. (laughs)
I love tax time."
When you pay taxes, it's totally different.
When you pay taxes, they let you keep all of your money all year,
and at the end, they say, "You owe us 40%."
Which is a lot for me because I don't know what I'm paying for.
I've never dialed 911. I put out all my own fires.
And I'm not saying I shouldn't have to pay any taxes,
but I shouldn't have to pay as much as somebody that votes.
Or... actually... (laughs)
I don't vote because I don't know anything about politics.
And honestly I can't believe they would let me.
Isn't that, like, an important job?
They'll just let me pick the president, really?
I don't got to take a test? I don't need a license?
You need a license to shampoo dogs in this country.
But they'll let me pick the president?
And that seems safe to you?
I don't know anything about politics.
I've tried. I'll watch the news.
Either I'm too stupid to understand the news
or I feel like they're always lying to us.
Right? I was watching recently.
This lady from the government gets on
talking about the economy.
She's like, "We're in a recession.
We owe China $11 trillion."
And I'm like, "We?"
I don't owe China shit.
You owe China $11 trillion.
"We" owe Sprint $90.
You must've been roaming.
We treat kids weird, man.
Let kids be kids.
They were talking about kids are out of control
for sexting each other.
They're not out of control for sexting.
They just have the technology to be as gross
as we've always wished we were
when we were their age.
What did you think he was gonna take pictures of
with eight megapixels of camera? Sunsets?
No, he's 12.
He's gonna take pictures of his dick.
It's the most interesting thing he owns.
(laughs)
It's not his fault.
I'm sure there was people trying to sext in the '70s
and '80s in their bathrooms
with Polaroids and stamps.
(laughs)
Like...
(imitates camera shutter)
Wait till Cheryl sees this shit in two to three business days.
She's gonna love it.
(laughs)
People in the '20s trying to sext each other.
With those cameras like the box cameras with the...
... with the black cloth and...
Poof!
They pose for every picture like they was on money.
All right, now watch the birdie.
Poof!
(laughs)
That's the world's oldest sexting joke.