- Taking a jet ski.
- Okay.
- From Chicago to New Orleans.
- A goat and two chickens for a family in Africa
can completely change their life.
It gives them milk to drink, and butter,
and cheese, and they can sell or eat the eggs.
It kind of creates a renewable resource
and actually creates a local economy.
- The best dressed jet skier on the planet.
Have a good time kid.
- Let's recap.
It's day one of my trip.
I've done some mildly condescending TV news, very fun.
I've auctioned off the rights to christen my jet ski,
so we got the HMS Rebecca O'Malley
and the HMS Kill Rock Stars.
And then,
0.05 miles
into the 1,000 mile trip
and we hit a lock, and we're stuck for three hours.
(lock signal horn blares)
We are seriously fucked.
(invigorating rock music)
- Well, at this rate we'll get to New Orleans
by 2 1/2 years, so.
- Surprise!
It is a bad idea to travel industrial waterways
on a vehicle primarily intended for divorced dads
to get drunk on, while still seeming cool to their kids.
(laughter)
(signal horn blares)
- We're good. - We're back on the road!
(inspiring indie music)
Let's get wet for goats!
Hello Chicago!
Have fun at work today!
Business casual, right choice for Friday, guys!
I love the way you look Chicago!
I love the way you guys have lunch!
Nobody has lunch like Chicago!
I'm Kurt Braunohler,
I'm jet skiing from Chicago to New Orleans,
you're seeing the beginning of my trip.
And we're sending 500 goats and 1000 chickens to Africa.
Thank you so much for your support.
Safety first!
Start point.
Ground zero.
Not in the 9/11 sense
but just in the sense that I'm beginning here.
(plaintive Latin guitar)
Some say the mayor used to live in that house
on top of this bridge
because he was a hermit and he loved bridges.
Roustabout!
- My dude's hot dogging.
This is some classic Braunohler right here.
Classic hot dogging.
- Now, the Chicago river connects to the Illinois River.
And you've seen the Chicago river.
It's pretty, they make it clean for St. Patrick's Day,
once you get out of Chicago, guys,
very quickly it becomes an industrial wasteland.
There's a homeless man living in a tent!
Like as soon as the buildings fall away,
it just goes from fields, to gravel pits, to junkyards,
to sand pits and back to junkyards again.
I'm not gonna lie, shit got real depressing, real fast.
And I'm the one who's on the fun jet ski.
My crew is back on the boat,
and can totally tell,
they already hate me for bringing them here
so I decided, I'm gonna rally everybody, get them excited,
by giving Li'l Minnow a ride on the jet ski.
Li'l Minnow, why don't you ride with me?
- Okay. - Let's do it together.
- Together forever.
- You ready to lose your virginity?
- Yeah!
(heartfelt acoustic guitar)
- Here we are, the great sand pits of southern Illinois.
- [Both] Sand! Sand! Sand!
- The water is warm.
- That's just the chemicals burning your skin.
- Man, it's beautiful. - It is beautiful.
That's when I told my stepdad,
I don't need to necessarily go to a four year university,
I mean, maybe I'd ride the rails for a while.
Maybe I take up commercial fishing, I don't know.
(boat's horn blares)
- [Interviewer] What's your gas situation right now?
- I'm just trying not to kill it,
we've been running it all day here, so.
Have no gas, we just died.
So we're in the middle of the river.
- Then about five miles outside of Chicago,
our chase boat runs out of gas.
(laughter)
And like, when a car runs out of gas,
it just comes to a stop.
But when a boat runs out of gas,
it's just a fucking free for all.
It just continues to go where you don't want it to go.
Where's this magical gas station
that was supposed to be a fucking mile away when we started.
- They were closed.
- I mean I know I didn't prepare for this,
but did no one else prepare for this journey?
All right.
(jet ski engine roars distantly)
I'll be honest.
I end up yelling at the marine crew,
like a real asshole guys.
It's not one of my finer moments.
I'm mad at myself, I mean I'm also mad at the marine crew.
Because fucking, you ran out of gas motherfuckers!
Get your shit together!
But I'm the one who put us
all in this situation to begin with
and now I'm watching my whole plan
just crumble before my eyes
and it's only been five hours.
- Everybody might want to put on a life-jacket.
- In case there's an accident.
We have no control, we are floating out here,
and it's not a good thing to be floating.
- This is uh, this might be it.
- As long as we don't see a big barge coming at us,
we're good.
(barge horn blares)
- Sorry, Africa.
(tense desperado music)
- Help!
Help!
Heeeelp!
Help!
Heeelp!