WELCOME TO "THE LATE SHOW."
I'M YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT.
FOLKS, I DON'T KNOW ABOUT YOU, BUT I'VE GOT A LOT OF THINGS I'D
ASK DONALD TRUMP, AND NOW I KNOW ROBERT MUELLER DOES, TOO.
BECAUSE THE SUCCEEDIN' "NEW YORK TIMES" GOT THEIR HANDS ON ALL
THE QUESTIONS THAT ROBERT MUELLER WANTS TO ASK PRESIDENT
TRUMP.
OH, COME ON!
DON'T PRINT THEM.
IF TRUMP SEES THE QUESTIONS IN ADVANCE, HE'LL CHEAT!
"DID I COLLUDE WITH THE RUSSIANS?
WELL, OBVIOUSLY, I... DID NOT."
( LAUGHTER ) IS THAT WHAT WE'RE LOOKING FOR?"
APPARENTLY, IN THE BEGINNING OF MARCH, MUELLER'S TEAM CALLED
TRUMP'S LAWYERS TO GIVE THEM A PREVIEW OF THE QUESTIONS.
THE LAWYERS TOOK NOTES, AND THEN SOMEHOW THOSE NOTES WOUND UP AT
"THE NEW YORK TIMES."
TRUMP WANTS TO PIN THE BLAME ON MUELLER, BUT MUELLER'S FORMER
ASSISTANT SAYS GRAMMATICAL ERRORS IN THE DOCUMENT PROVE
THAT THE LEAKED QUESTIONS CAME FROM THE TRUMP WHITE HOUSE.
THE YEAH, THEY WEREN'T QUITE RIGHT.
>> Jon: THEY CAN'T SPELL.
( APPLAUSE ).
>> Stephen: THERE'S SOMETHING-- SOMETHING ABOUT THE
WAY-- SOMETHING ABOUT THE WAY THE QUESTIONS WERE WRITTEN THAT
SEEMS SUSPICIOUS.
ONE HINT WAS QUESTION FIVE, WHICH SAID, "IS TRUMP BE
COLLUDER?
ALSO THIS MELANIA, PLEASE HELP!"
BUT TRUMP IS FURIOUS ABOUT THIS LEAK.
THIS MORNING, HE TWEETED, "SO DISGRACEFUL THAT THE QUESTIONS
CONCERNING THE RUSSIAN WITCH HUNT WERE LEAKED TO THE MEDIA.
NO QUESTIONS ON COLLUSION.
OH, I SEE... YOU HAVE A MADE-UP, PHONY CRIME-- COLLUSION-- THAT
NEVER EXISTED, AND AN INVESTIGATION BEGUN WITH
ILLEGALLY LEAKED CLASSIFIED INFORMATION.
NICE!"
DID THE PRESIDENT JUST USE THE WORD "NICE" SARCASTICALLY?
SMART.
( LAUGHTER ) BUT HE DIDN'T STOP THERE.
HE TWEETED: YES, SIR, IT WOULD SEEM HARD,
BUT YOU MAKE IT LOOK EASY.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) NOW, I'VE READ THE 49 QUESTIONS
THAT MUELLER HAS FOR TRUMP, AND THEY BARELY SCRATCH THE SURFACE
OF WHAT I WANT TO KNOW.
SO I'D LIKE TO SUBMIT SOME ADDITIONAL QUESTIONS FOR MUELLER
TO ASK THE PRESIDENT.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) QUESTION 50: DID YOU DO IT?
( LAUGHTER ) QUESTION 51: BUT, REALLY,
THOUGH, DID YOU?
QUESTION 52: WOULD YOU RATHER FIGHT ONE ROBERT MUELLER-SIZED
HORSE OR 100 DUCK-SIZED ROBERT MUELLERS?
AND QUESTION 53: MICHAEL HAS 130,000 APPLES, AND STORMY HAS
ZERO APPLES.
IF MICHAEL GIVES STORMY 130,000 APPLES, WHY WOULD HE DO THAT IF
YOU HADN'T HAD SEX WITH HER?
( LAUGHTER ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
ANOTHER GUY I'M GUESSING MUELLER HAS QUESTIONS FOR IS TRUMP'S
PERSONAL ATTORNEY AND MAN WITH RESTING-INDICTED-FACE, MICHAEL
COHEN.
GIVEN EVERYTHING COHEN KNOWS ABOUT TRUMP, IT'S NO SURPRISE
THAT THE PRESIDENT'S SUPPORTERS ARE WORRIED HE'S GOING TO FLIP.
SO I WAS SHOCKED TO SEE THIS WEEK'S FRONT PAGE OF THE
TRUMP-SUPPORTING "NATIONAL ENQUIRER": "TRUMP FIXER'S
SECRETS AND LIES!" WHAT?
ARE YOU TELLING ME SOMEONE WHO WORKS FOR DONALD TRUMP LIES?
THAT IS THE MOST SHOCKING "ENQUIRER" HEADLINE SINCE "BEAR
CRAPS IN WOODS, PAYS TAXES, THEN DIES."
HERE'S THE THING.
HERE'S THE THING: THE "ENQUIRER" IS OWNED BY TRUMP SUPPORTER AND
MAN WHOSE MUSTACHE MATCHES THE DRAPES, DAVID PECKER.
AND SOURCES SAY THAT PECKER WOULD NOT HAVE ALLOWED THE
PUBLICATION OF THE STORY WITHOUT THE PRESIDENT'S BLESSING.
YES, THE "NATIONAL ENQUIRER" IS NOW AN ARM OF THE TRUMP
ADMINISTRATION.
BUT THIS ISN'T THE FIRST TIME A PRESIDENT HAS USED A TABLOID TO
GET OUT OF TROUBLE.
WE ALL REMEMBER THE FAMOUS WEEKLY WORLD NEWS HEADLINE:
"BATBOY BREAKS INTO WATERGATE HOTEL.
NIXON PROVEN INNOCENT."