Let's talk about the core of all communication -- the thing that determines how persuasive
you are if you get what you want. In the case of this video, if you live or die.
Speaking of, I should let you know that we'll be exploring this particular thing through
the world of Game of Thrones. So, yes, life and death does come into play, and the thing
that we're going to be exploring is called a "FRAME."
And you'll see that in a lot of ways, the Game of Thrones is really a Game of Frames,
but I'm getting ahead of myself. First off, what is a frame?
A frame is, basically, all of the unstated beliefs that give context to any interaction.
The frame gives meaning to the words that we say. So, the difference between me saying
"Cool!" and saying "cool" comes from the belief that I have when I say that word.
The first thing that I want to talk about is the importance of frames when trying to
convince someone of anything. In this next clip, the two characters whose faces that you're
going to see are passing through the woods, when some pretty savage people who roam the
mountains find them. Watch this clip and see if you can note each person's frame, meaning
each person's beliefs that they bring to the interaction.
Clearly, there are a handful of different frames in the scene. You have the people who
are surrounding them and their frame appears to be "You're surrounded. We're in control
and we're going to kill you." Bronn, the guy who pulls his sword has this same exact frame,
except that he intends to fight so that he doesn't get killed. But, Tyrion, the dwarf,
proposes a totally different frame. He acts as if their friend. He acts as if he's inviting
them to share their food and their fire, like they just stumbled upon him.
The genius of this frame is that if they accept it, he will escape with his life. So let's watch what happens.
Here, Tyrion responds in the same fashion as the man that he's speaking to, saying his
father's and family's name. Again, his frame is that they're introducing themselves as
friends, but clearly it's not going so well.
So, now, he's tried this friend frame twice. It's not working, so what can you do? Because
this type of situation with much, much lower stakes is going to happen in your life. You
will want someone to assume your frame but they're going to resist, so watch how Tyrion
handles it.
He totally breaks this guy's frame with humor. See the laughter there? In this frame, and
in real life, too, laughter is a telltale sign that someone has had their frame shifted.
Usually, it's the person who is laughing that has had their way of viewing the world disrupted,
and, in this case, the guy with the axe thought that Tyrion should choose right then, and
right there how he die.
Tyrion purposely misinterpreted his question. He added a bit of humor and that was enough
to make this guy break his frame and laugh. If you've ever tried to be mad at someone
while they continually make you laugh over and over and over again, you know what this
feels like. It gets tough to stay mad at them because they've re-framed you and they've
interrupted your pattern of being upset.
In these moments, right after someone has shifted their frame is when they are most
open to being persuaded. So the lesson here, for your own life, nothing to do with Game
of Thrones, is that if you're trying to persuade someone, and they're being resistant, don't
just keep pushing. Instead, you need to re-frame them and humor is a great way to do it.
You see here? Tyrion doesn't just plead for their lives. Now that he's broken their frame
and at least gotten them to listen, he can begin to persuade them. And if you're interested,
I can cover the full list of persuasion tactics that Tyrion uses because there are many, but
suffice it to say, that if someone is being resistant while you're trying to persuade
them, the answer is not just to go over and over again down the same path. You need to disrupt
their pattern, you need to re-frame them, and, then, you can begin to speak to their
interest and speak more logically. For now, let's just continue talking about frames and
move to insults.
Every single insult you've ever said or heard is a frame game. Even from the school days
of "I'm rubber, you're glue," the goal is, generally, to turn the insult on the person
who said it, and I do not recommend engaging with someone who's putting you down or insulting
you, I usually just try to take the frame of this isn't worth my time and then walk
away, but it's still informative to watch how frames determine exactly who wins one
of those back and forth exchanges. So watch this clip. In this case, Tyrion is talking
to Robb Stark, who does not like him or his family very much. Watch here.
This is a fairly straightforward insult or even just a diss. Tyrion calls Robb "Boy,"
insulting his inexperience, and then, Robb denies it, saying that he is a lord. Tyrion
responds by saying that he isn't behaving exactly like a lord should. So, despite his
protest, Robb, the guy at the end here, doesn't come out of that exchange looking so great.
Fighting the frame of an insult normally makes you look like a chump.
Watch this next clip in contrast. In this one, the same guy, Robb, has become commander
of a huge army, and speaking to a prisoner from Tyrion's family--the family that he hates.
Again, same insult, same guy. You're a boy, you're inexperienced, you're just playing
it war, which is really not a great thing when you're in command of an entire army. But this
time, something has changed. Watch how, instead of fighting the frame, Robb flips it, and
he uses it to his advantage.
You see that? He takes the prisoner's own words and uses them against him. This works
much, much better because an insult is really just a battle to see who can control who.
When you get mad at an insult and you fight it, you have already lost. But when you don't
fight the words, and, instead, changes the frame, meaning that you turn their insult
into praise for you or an insult to them, then you have taken control. That is how you
win the frame game; not by having the best zinger, but by being the person in control.
So, the third and most important frame game that I want to talk about is "OPTIONS" and,
for this, I need to give a little context for non-Game of Thrones fans. Tyrion, the
dwarf, is wrongfully accused of murdering the king. He's basically set-up, his trial
is a total farce, and he's told that his options are death or to plead for his life, and to
be granted exile into the coldest, northernmost part of the world, where he basically need
to work as a servant for the rest of his life. He's told that those are his only choices,
and that he better just beg for his life, beg for exile in order to save himself, but,
instead, he creates a third option and this is one of the most famous scenes of the entire series
This is basically how Tyrion survives all of his encounters. He creates a third option
that other people don't see. Everyone thinks that the choice is between exile and death,
and he chooses trial by combat, which, strictly speaking, in this world, is legal, but nobody
presents it to him as an option.
Earlier in the series, again, when he was wrongfully framed for another assassination
attempt that he didn't commit, he's held in prison until he confesses. Those are basically
his options. He can die in prison or confess to a crime that he didn't commit. But, instead,
he cleverly stages a confession and uses that public arena to his advantage. He's able to
shame his captors into giving him a trial. Watch this.
The point is this--whoever controls the options has the power. Your options are rarely exactly
what people tell you because that's how people have powers; they control options. The truth
is that everything that is possible changes based on your creativity. Nothing is fixed,
so you need to be resourceful. You need to not take what other people put on the table
as your only choices. When you're faced with a decision that says this or that, and you
don't like either choice, refuse them both and create a third way. The way out is probably
going to be different every time, but the realization that your options are never just
exactly what people say they are, and that you can break free from the options that are
presented to you, is going to be valuable for the rest of your life. That's how you
stay alive in the Game of Thrones, and that is how you win in the game of life.
If you're interested in learning more about solidifying your frame so that you don't lose
these frame games and miss out on options, we've actually created a separate video on
improving your confidence and your conviction. It is a real-life exercise that you can do
to boost your confidence in about one minute, and I've used it repeatedly in those situations
where a strong frame is really, really important--from interviews, tough conversations, first dates,
all those sorts of things.
So, if you want to see that video, go ahead, click the link that will pop up right now.
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