- I'm gonna burn this mother down.
Don't.
Don't burn this mother down.
This is how to leave a church without burning bridges,
Mended Light.
(upbeat music)
I'm Jonathan Decker with Mended Light.
This is Ask a Therapist.
How do I leave my church without burning bridges, right?
This is about faith transitions,
which is a big, big topic going on right now
as values shift, as options open up for spirituality
that were never there before.
You know, generations of people
have been locked in a certain walk
and then, you know, a lot right now,
the kids and the young adults
are finding different paths than their families.
And you may have been raised in a certain congregation
or in a certain belief that you don't hold anymore,
or you want to try something different
or go a different direction.
- Here's my only direction.
- The problem is, they don't want to let you go.
I think we cut there to Third Eye Blind,
♪ I'll never let you go. ♪
Are you not rolling the clip?
You're just, I'm just singing it, okay.
I can't count on you people for anything.
♪ So I'll never let you go ♪
They don't want to let you go,
and there's a lot of pressure to stay,
to believe the way that your loved ones believe,
to practice the things that they practice.
And what's really hard about that
is the harder they grip you,
the more you either conform and resent them,
or you have to push harder to break free,
and then it turns into drama, right?
It just turns into this big explosive thing,
and bridges get burned.
Family relationships,
relationships with friends get severed,
so how do you keep that from happening?
The first is to know who you are, right?
Know who you are and know what you want.
What does your spirituality look like?
I define spirituality as your connection
to something greater than yourself.
For some people that's God, but it could be nature,
it could be the human race.
It could also be your higher self, right?
The better version of you that you're striving to be.
That's something greater than yourself
that you're connected to.
And knowing exactly what your spirituality looks like
or exactly what you want it to look like for now.
You know, you may be on a quest to define your spirituality,
so what does it look like right now today?
And maybe your first step is knowing
what it doesn't look like,
and what it doesn't look like is where you came from.
Like, it doesn't look like these specific beliefs.
So how to do this without burning bridges?
First of all, assure people
that you're acting out of integrity.
Some of them will not believe you.
Some of them, and this is really hard,
some of them will think that you are leaving because of sin,
that you are leaving because of lack of faith,
that you are leaving because of lack of integrity.
But there are those who will listen to you
when you say I'm leaving because of integrity.
I'm leaving because I believe this is the right thing to do.
I respect that you are staying
because you believe that is the right thing to do.
We all just have to do what we believe is right, right?
So that's the second step is,
to respect their right to stay.
And I don't actually see a lot of issue with this.
Most people who leave their various churches
are perfectly content to let their friends and family
believe what they're going to believe,
and they just want the same respect.
But there are some people who burn bridges
because the only way out they see
is to take everybody with them, right?
I am convinced that the beliefs I was raised in
are incorrect or that this church is fraudulent,
or you know, this or that,
and now I need to attack what you hold dear.
I actually have a friendship that was lost,
not because he left my faith,
but because he couldn't respect me staying.
He said, "You have a problem with me because I've left."
And I said, "No, I have plenty of friends and family
"and loved ones who have left.
"That's fine.
"I'm happy to respect you doing what you believe is right
"and you believe in what you believe."
Any social media post about my beliefs,
and it was an opportunity for him to attack,
and I didn't respect that
because he wasn't showing respect to me.
He was using me as a platform for his views,
which was to tear down.
If he wanted to talk about what he was for
or what he believed, I would have valued that,
but he burned that bridge
because he didn't offer the respect that I was offering him.
So how to not burn bridges?
It's important to let people do what they believe is right
and not feel the need to make them see
the world according to your viewpoint,
and that's equally true for those who are staying.
How to not burn bridges?
Assure them that you act out of integrity,
respect their beliefs, respect their choices.
- I respect your decision, too.
- The next step is to find that common ground.
What beliefs do you still share, right?
Maybe you go to different Christian churches now,
or maybe you don't.
Maybe you're a Muslim or you're Jewish or you're Buddhist,
or you're a secular humanist,
or, you know, maybe you're pagan,
but what do you have in common?
Oftentimes, there's diversions in doctrine
and then beliefs in a dogma, but in values,
we have shared values, right?
Some people have a very strong value about sexuality, right?
That it's between a man and a woman
and reserved for marriage or some variation of that,
and for others it's much more open.
Okay, well, that's not a shared value.
Do you still believe in kindness?
I have yet to meet the person
who doesn't believe at their core
that kindness is a good thing.
Some people believe that we can't pull it off.
Some people have lost their optimism for the human race,
but most people still believe in kindness as a virtue.
What about honesty?
What about integrity?
What about in forgiveness and mercy?
What about in serving and lifting each other?
What about using your talents
for the good of your fellow man, fellow woman?
We can almost always find things that we have in common.
We can avoid burning bridges by not insulting one another.
If I don't share your beliefs,
I need to remember by insulting your beliefs.
I insult you, because you choose them.
That old expression, that old adage to live and let live,
it's cliche at this point, but there is such power in it.
Now, maybe you are doing everything you can.
You're doing all of this to not burn the bridge,
and others are burning it down for you.
They're so narrow-minded,
they're so locked into their way of thinking,
they're so locked into my way or the highway, right?
My beliefs are the only absolute good there is.
You may not pour gas on the bridge,
you may not light the match,
but sometimes others are gonna do it
and you can't stop it, you can't stop it from happening.
All you can do in that case is leave the door open.
Hey, I love you.
This hurts.
I would like for us maybe to one day
have a relationship again if you're open to it.
Here are my needs.
I need you to respect this is what I'm doing with my life.
I need you to respect that this is the choice I'm making
and this is what I believe.
And you may not agree with the choice or the belief,
but I need you to respect my right to make it.
If you can do that, we can have a relationship,
and if you can't, then I love you and I'm gonna miss you.
And you leave the door open
if they're willing to meet the conditions.
♪ I'ma leave the door open ♪
Or maybe not.
Maybe the pain is too much and the bridge is too far burned,
and even if they came back and said I'm sorry,
you might accept their apology,
but you can't let them back into your life again
because you don't trust them.
It's important to recognize
that either of these options is okay.
Neither one is immoral.
Neither one is unethical.
You have to look out for your own mental health
and your own emotional health.
You have to look out for your ability
to shine a light in the world
and to protect that light from those who would diminish it.
Now, on the subject of not burning bridges,
let's talk about building bridges, right?
How do we leave a faith and build bridges
with those who are still in that faith?
The first thing is to recognize the good.
Recognize the good that you got from that belief system.
By and large, it wasn't a total loss.
By and large, you learned some good things there.
Now, they may not be good things that only originate
from that source that you can find in other places,
but that doesn't mean that you are ungrateful
for learning them there in the first place.
Be grateful for those, express that so they know
that you're not a hater. (laughs)
You may be grateful for the community.
I have a dear friend who stopped being a Christian.
Loved the story of Christ,
but didn't agree with a lot of Christianity.
And so, but he kept going to church
because he loved the community and he loved the people.
And, you know, most people, even people who don't like
a lot of what Christianity has turned into
or how some Christians act, most people like Jesus.
His teachings are pretty chill.
(laughs)
His teachings are pretty good.
He still loves the teachings of Jesus,
and he said to the people, he's like,
"Listen, guys, I'm no longer Christian.
"I don't want to deceive you."
And to this congregation's credit, they said, "Okay.
"Well, we're glad you're here."
And they still treated him like family.
You may find that there is a place for you anyway,
and that place for you may be occasional attendance,
it might be I'm here when there's service,
it might be I'm here when there's food, I don't know.
Or you might find that you want to continue
the relationships with those in that community
in a different way.
Some people will be closed to it.
Some people will be harsh and judgmental.
That's okay.
That's a reflection on them, not on you.
And even if it hurts,
those aren't the relationships to hold onto.
Hold onto the ones that appreciate
your evolution and respect it.
So this is Ask a Therapist.
What would you like me to answer in an upcoming video?
Let me know in the comments below.
How do you handle faith transitions,
yours or anyone else's?
Let me know in the comments below.
If you enjoyed this video,
I want to invite you to the next one,
How to Set Boundaries in a Long Distance Relationship.
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click the bell.
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If you're struggling with a faith transition
or with anything else, I've got members on my team,
therapists on my team standing by ready to help you.
In the description, you will find links
to schedule a complimentary 15 minute consultation with them
to see if you're a good fit for each other.
I'm Jonathan Decker with Mended Light.
This has been Ask a Therapist.
Keep shining.
We need your light, and I'll see you next time.
Oh yeah, yeah, yeah.
Here comes that video I was telling you about.
You got time.
You got nothing but time.
Or maybe you got a lot to do.
Watch it anyway, you know you want to.
I'm such a bad influence.