Hey guys,
Geoffrey here and in this video I'm going to show you the real reasons why she
says she needs space and in case we haven't met.
My name is Jeffrey and I'm here to empower men in longterm relationships or
marriages with the right skills and knowledge to be able to create thriving
relationships for the long haul.
So I really want you to stay until the end of this video,
because no only am I going to show you the real reasons why she wants some
space,
but understanding these reasons will really help you gain clarity on what you
need to do to remove some of that frustration,
that confusion and gain clarity on what you need to do to respond.
And before I begin this video,
I want to tell you about the free masterclass I'll be hosting where I'll be
going through the five proven steps to rebuilding your relationship or marriage
from the ground up. So be sure to stick around until the end,
this video for the announcement on how you can get in on that masterclass.
And don't forget to subscribe and hit the bell button to be notified when I post
new videos three times every single week.
And so the first thing you need to understand is that when she says she needs
space, the most obvious thing, and I'm sure you know this,
is that she's missing something from the relationship.
And I'm not going to tell you what a lot of other coaches say, which is that,
you know, she's more of the relationship, she's lost attraction. You know,
I'm trying to get used to understand that the root cause is something more
specific than that that you can actually investigate and get into. Now,
if you've been following me for awhile, you know my five-step pillar,
the five pillars of the relationship here.
So you start with emotional safety here, which is all about Ken.
Have you created this relationship,
this culture where you can share your emotions and people are free to express
their emotions and so on where they feel emotionally fulfilled.
And the second pillar here would be psychological safety.
That's about how your weld, you guys communicate together,
how openly you guys communicate together.
And do you have to safety to actually express whatever it is you want to
express. Then of course you have admiration, goal alignment and sexual passion,
admiration being, do you deeply respect each other? Goal alignment being,
do you have dreams together? Do you plan life together? And so on.
And so if you're familiar with this,
this would be a good framework for you to gauge or diagnose what parts of the
relationship is missing.
Right now if you guys are arguing a lot and there's a lot of pent up emotions,
then you know you have some emotional safety issues and if you can't communicate
properly or there's some blockages in the communication,
you have to walk on eggshells.
You know you have psychological safety issues and the same goes for the other
three pillars here.
And so what you need to understand is that if any one of these pillars are
missing or there haven't been built in the relationship,
then that could be the reason why she wants space.
So it goes beyond just things are stale or that she's bored.
It goes beyond that.
We can pinpoint something more specific than just this broad stroke.
Now that part may be obvious, right? If you want to space,
obviously she's missing something, but that's not all.
The second reason why she wants space is that she has his issues.
She has this problems, but she can't express them to you. Because again,
if you look at these five pillars here, this foundation,
this psychological safety or emotional safety is likely to be broken. Well,
why does she think that she can express them to you?
The main reason really is she doesn't think you will listen or you will
understand, and this can be caused by a lot of reasons here,
but the three most common one is this.
One is that whenever she brings up the problem to you,
and she might've tried in a direct way or an or in a very indirect way as hints,
but whenever she brings it up to you, you were very quick to get into solutions.
So when she brings it up to you, you're very quick to say, Hey,
here's what we should do, X, Y, Z.
And the problem with giving solutions too quickly and while solutions are great
is that you,
you'll fail to see the root cause or the root problem that she's really trying
to express. And so you jump in with your solutions too quickly.
What happens is your solutions may not actually be relevant or may not actually
be something that she's looking for.
Issues with relationships can be very complex and even if you ask your partner,
Hey, what is the issue?
The first answer that comes out of her mouth may not be the actual issue.
It takes some artful skill to dig deeper user questions, to dig deeper,
to understand what is the root cause.
And so what usually happens is we jump too fast into conclusions.
We think we solved the problem, but it's actually not solved.
And she'll get frustrated because she wants it again and we'll think, Oh,
here we go again. I'm trying to say and express this to you,
but you're just not wanting to listen.
All you do to jump into conclusions and solutions and often the wrong ones
instead of understanding what their true core reasons are.
And so often what happens is you end up making the same mistakes over and over
and over and over again.
And you have to keep apologizing saying sorry over and over, over again.
And over time, as you keep doing this, your stories,
your I understand means a lot less tour because it doesn't mean anything if you
keep saying it and nothing changes. And then eventually,
if this pattern keeps repeating itself again,
it leads to more and more arguments.
Now she has less patience for you when you do the same mistake again and she
explodes when she explodes,
you explode and it goes into an all out war.
So leave a quick comment below here on which of these three mistakes you think
you're making. It could be all three. It usually is all three.
But leave a comment below. I'd love to hear your thoughts.
So when you understand those two points,
you have to understand that the real reason why she wants to space right now is
because number one, she knows that you're not the one to heal her.
She used to heal herself. She needs to heal her emotions.
But you're not the one to do it because you're proven to her time and time again
that you are not the one to be a good listener to understand the root problems
of their relationship and come up with like a very viable solution that can make
you happier longterm and make sure that the same mistake doesn't happen again.
And so because you can't heal her here,
the space is really for her to heal herself by herself and without you.
And the most important thing though is that this space is also meant for you to
take the lead on figuring things out.
This space is really your opportunity to make things right and lead the
conversation in a way that actually yields some answers,
some real answers on what can be better next time.
And the third real reason behind the space is that she's giving you space to
change yourself.
Now we all know that if there's some systemic problem in the relationship,
in a longterm relationship,
that is often a problem with character and these issues cannot be solved
overnight. And she knows that. And the reason why she wants to space,
it's because she knows that no problems can be fixed overnight.
And so she wants to separate away from you to give you the time to not only
understand what the root causes of the problems are we just number two here,
but also take the time to work on yourself to understand how to become a better
and different person later on.
And so the important thing to know is that when she wants space,
there's no shortcuts. There's no trickery here.
There's no like magical texts or magical scripts,
magical letters that you can send her. Why?
Because anything you do to try to trick the process or to shortcut the process
is only going to suggest that you're not here to actually work on yourself.
You are here for quick fixes that you're not here to actually investigate the
root of the problem.
You're still trying to manipulate or trick her into thinking.
You understand when you actually do not.
And the other reason why I say there's no shortcuts here is that she'll come
back to you.
She will not no longer one space with you if she understands that the changes
are real, that you have changed for the better,
that you're not changing because of some temporary thing to try to get her back.
She needs to know that the changes are permanent and real and this is why you
know the advice of Hey, just take her out on dates, go have fun again.
It doesn't always work because it goes beyond that.
You actually need to understand the root cause of what's causing the problem and
fix that problem and let her believe make it her decision to believe that those
changes that you made are real and this is also why usually you are going to
find some resistance here where you're trying to do the right things but she is
having none of it. She doesn't believe you.
She doesn't accept it as readily and the reason why again is resistance.
She is suspicious right now of whether this change is just temporary to
manipulate her and you're thinking that everything is okay when it's actually
not okay to make her think that you've changed so much when you actually
haven't.
You're just playing up the scripts and that's why she often pulls up all this
resistance in the short term to make sure that your changes are real and
permanent. And so where most people fail is in two points.
One is that they never really take the time and gain the skill to really
understand how to ask questions and lead a conversation so that they can get to
the root cause of what the actual issue is.
And the second pitfall is that, you know,
even if they understand what the root cause of the issue is,
they may not always have the patience to go through that dip,
that dip of when she'll become suspicious of your changes.
And because they never get through that dip,
they never see the uprise eventually.
So you have to get through that dip where she's resisting and she's suspicious.
If you want to really get her back and show her that your changes are real and
permanent. Now,
if you're interested in this free resource that can help you lead this
conversation,
ask questions the right way to get really to the root cause of the issue,
then you want to download the free guide in the description box below this
video.
And if you want it on the masterclass where we talk about the five proven steps
to rebuilding a relationship from the ground up and the same system that a lot
of men have used, a lot of my students have used to, uh,
save the relationship from a brink of divorce to a place where it's thriving.
Then you also want to check out the link in the description box below this
video. And of course if you want to connect with me on a more personal level,
I also have a link down below to my personal Facebook group where you can ask
questions and actually get good advice about any issues in your relationship
that you're facing. So if you find this video helpful,
go ahead and leave a like and subscribe to this video for more content like this
one and let me know in the comments below,
what did you find most eyeopening or most useful in this video?
I'd love to hear your thoughts here. In the meantime,
be sure to watch these two videos and the five pillars of the relationship,
like we talked about in the beginning of this video,
and also the three things you must do when she says that she needs space.
But with that, I'll see you in the next video.