(gentle music)
- [Narrator] Blanche checks for roomies.
Coast is clear to bang Santa.
Blanche a freak!
Dorothy's complainalouging to Rose
that Christmas is too commercial,
but gets interrupted by a bearded Blanche.
Santa is a freak, too.
Blanche picked up this random at the mall,
and brought him home on his break to deck the walls.
Rose sends his back to his kids-on-the-lap job,
harder than final level Tetris.
Blanche explains Santas make her extremely horny,
then graphically details how much she wants to bone down
with every fat bearded man wearing that red suit.
Sophia stole Dorothy's credit card to buy gifts.
Casual elderly theft: the only perk of old age,
and because of Sophia's jack move,
everyone's getting the expensive shit they want.
- Oh, it's gonna be the best Christmas ever!
- [Narrator] Dorothy whines.
Christmas is about love.
Boo!
Rose suggests they gift each other meaningful,
homemade garbage before going home
to be with their respective families.
Sophia says nuts to that.
Catch me at the mall, bitch.
Blanche made everyone calendars,
featuring a man a month
she's knocked nasties with this year.
- I'm surprised you were able to walk in October.
- [Narrator] Merry Christmas, from these old ladies,
ogling gargantuan dongs.
Rose is helping sad, mentally unstable dudes
at the Crisis Center on Christmas Eve.
Dorothy and Blanche say, we gotta get to the airport.
Captain Save-a-Bro needs more time.
Dorothy says, enough is enough.
Sophia's waiting, and they're gonna miss their flights.
But Blanche, forever horny for Santa, gets dickstracted.
Yo, Santa is strapped.
They hand over cash, but their money's no good here.
Santa is lonely, and just wants to spend Christmas
with people, any people, by any means necessary.
See, he loves Christmas, but nobody ever invites him
to play in any reindeer games.
Gee, wonder why.
He seems so chill and reasonable.
The gals need a plan.
Blanche volunteers to bend over, all sexy like,
and while Santa's ogling her caboose,
Dorothy and Rose will karate chop him.
Santa breaks up the plan party to say, years ago,
when he had a problem that's clearly all better now,
he spent a lot of time in this center, good times,
now he's back for more.
Rose has had it.
She is not shocked she spends Christmas by himself.
He sucks.
People don't like hanging with people who suck
unless you're related, in which case,
you still don't like it, you just kind of have to.
Sophia's been waiting.
What gives?
Uh, Sophia, gun.
Sophia, the OGG, Original Gangster Grandma,
says that's a toy, and adds, Dorothy should be ashamed
to call herself Italian and not be able to tell
a firearm from a plaything.
Sophia runs these streets like a marathon.
Santa hits a new low.
He can't even hold hostages right.
Rose says that stuff from before, how he's a bad person?
She didn't mean it.
He's not bad; just a loser,
a nominal bump up the list of shit you don't wanna be.
Bye!
The gals barely make it when due to a Christmas Eve storm,
all flights are canceled.
A man offers Sophia a flower.
He picked the wrong one on the wrong day.
She yells him and his flower the fuck up out of there.
Blanche is telling one of her many tales
about a time she blew a stranger, but on Christmas.
The waiter makes casual, light conversation
that he wishes he could be with his family,
but no one else is available to feed old ladies cake.
They can't be with their families, either,
then have an a-ha moment that wait a second,
they're kinda like a family,
a realization that should not be so surprising
as 50% of them are blood relatives.
They wish each other all a very merry Christmas.
Sophia's not tolerating this sappy bullshit.
They have an idea to help.
How 'bout he goes home, and entrusts this business
to four women he's never met?
- Can you cook? - Are you black?
- [Narrator] He leaves before Sophia
has any followup questions.
It's snowing in Miami, a Christmas miracle,
unless you're talking about cocaine.
So what did we learn today?
Christmas can be lonely, but that doesn't give you the right
to hold up folks at gunpoint to keep you company,
but if you must go that route, use a real gun
because you'll be alone again
as soon as murder's off the table,
and there are people out there who just wanna bang Santa.
They exist, they freaks, and seriously,
don't travel on Christmas Eve.
Who does that?
And a family's just a group of people you share meals
and traumatic experiences with.
See you next time on A Very Special Episode.