This month, athletes from around the world are descending upon Sochi
to represent their country.
You're not participating.
You are going to be watching on TV
because that's what you're best at.
But it's important that you maximize this experience for peak enjoyment.
First, make your environment more Russian.
Put on traditional Ushanka.
Have a babushka lady cook you a meal of boiled potatoes
Then eat them from nested Matryoshka dolls.
Turn your bathroom into a Banya.
Don't be bashful. These guys have seen it all.
Most of the actual competition will happen while you're asleep
Because time zones.
Travel there in dream state
By listening to mixtape of winter sports sounds.
During your waking hours, watch as many events as possible, simultaneously.
This will give you the opportunity to finally use that second eyeball.
Enjoy the inception like experience of
curling while watching curling.
Dont get cute and have snowboarding session while watching snowboarding.
If you must leave the house
keep the spirit that the games alive by dressing like an ice dancer.
You'll learn a thing or two about teamwork.
Assume the posture of a ski jumper while urinating.
Finally remember that seeing your fellow countrymen or women on the podium
Can be an emotional experience for some.
Feel free to cry, if you must.
Okay that's enough.
It's just a bronze.