>> Stephen: HEY, EVERYBODY!
GOOD TO SEE YOU.
I'M APLAWGD FOR YOU, BECAUSE YOU DESERVE IT!
I'M YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT.
AMERICA HAS BEEN THROUGH A LOT IN THE LAST YEAR-- THE LAST
WEEK.
WE'RE ALL STILL TRYING TO WRAP OUR MINDS AROUND THE INCIDENTS
IN BOLDER AND ATLANTA AND WHAT SHOULD BE DONEUIN RESPONSE TO
THIS VIOLENCE.
SOME ARE CALLING ON THE CONGRESS TO PASS GUN CONTROL, WHILE
OTHERS ARE CALLING ON THE N.R.A.
TO PASS THE MONEY BUCKET, BECAUSE THE REPUBLICANS ARE
TRYING THE SAME OLD CYNICAL TRICK OF SWITCHING THE SUBJECT
AWAY FROM GUNS OR THINGS LIKE MENTAL HEALTH, OR VIDEO GAMES
OR, "LOOK OVER THERE!
IT'S A DR. SEUSS-THEMED GAY WEDDING CAKE FOR THE MARRIAGE
OF PEPE LE PEW AND MR. POTATO HEAD!"
BUT "THE NEW YORK TIMES" LOOKED AT THE DATA AND CONCLUDED,
"WHY DOES THE U.S. HAVE SO MANY MASS SHOOTINGS?
THE RESEARCH IS CLEAR: GUNS."
YES, WE HAVE MORE GUNS.
THAT'S WHY WE LEAD THE WORLD IN GUN VIOLENCE, SAME WAY WE HAVE
MORE MONSTER TRUCKS, WHICH IS WHY WE LEAD THE WORLD IN
CRUSHING PERFECTLY FINE CARS FOR NO REASON.
HOW MANY GUNS, YOU MAY ASK.
THE U.S., WITH ABOUT 4.4% OF THE GLOBAL POPULATION, OWNS 42% OF
THE WORLD'S GUNS.
SO IF THIS WAS A PIE CHART, WE'D HAVE ALL THE PIE.
AND FOR THE RECORD, AMERICA DOES HAVE ALL THE PIE.
AND THE THING IS, THE UNITED STATES IS NOT ACTUALLY MORE
PRONE TO CRIME THAN OTHER DEVELOPED COUNTRIES.
IT'S JUST THAT, BECAUSE OF GUNS, CRIME BECOMES MORE LETHAL HERE.
FOR EXAMPLE, A NEW YORKER IS JUST AS LIKELY TO BE ROBBED AS
A LONDONER, BUT THE NEW YORKER IS 54 TIMES MORE LIKELY TO BE
KILLED IN THE PROCESS, BECAUSE IN LONDON, IT'S MOSTLY KNIFE
CRIME, AND OVER THERE, THEY HOLD THE KNIFE IN THE LEFT HAND.
OUR GUN VIOLENCE IS DIFFERENT, BECAUSE WE HAVE GUNS.
AND UNTIL THAT CHANGES, NOTHING WILL CHANGE, AND THAT WON'T
CHANGE UNTIL EVERYBODY VOTES.
OF COURSE, SOME PEOPLE MIGHT BE UNHAPPY HOW YOU VOTE AND TO TRY
TO CHANGE THAT THROUGH VIOLENCE.
CASE IN POINT: FEDERAL PROSECUTORS ARE COMING DOWN ON
CAPITOL RIOTERS LIKE A FLAGPOLE- WIELDING MANIAC.
AND I'LL TELL YOU ALL ABOUT IT IN TONIGHT'S "SEDITIONIST
ROUND-UP ROUNDUP."
>> YOU'RE GONNA WANT TO STEER CLEAR OF THESE MOO-CHEBAGS."
>> Stephen: THANK YOU, BESSY.
THE LATEST INSURRECTIONIST TO SURRENDER TO THE F.B.I. IS SARA
CARPENTER, WHO IS A FORMER SPOKESPERSON FOR THE NEW YORK
CITY POLICE DEPARTMENT.
OH, SUCH A SHAME.
ALL THAT GOOD PRESS FOR THE N.Y.P.D. STRAIGHT DOWN THE
DRAIN.
ACCORDING TO PROSECUTORS, CARPENTER WAS CAPTURED ON
SECURITY FOOTAGE OF THE RIOT, FESTIVELY SHAKING A TAMBOURINE
INSIDE THE CAPITOL ROTUNDA.
IT WAS THE MOST FESTIVE ATTEMPTED COUP SINCE THE CZAR
WAS DEPOSED BY TROTSKY WITH MARACAS.
WE DON'T HAVE THE FOOTAGE YET, BUT PROSECUTORS SAY IT DEPICTS
CARPENTER WEARING A RED HAT, GREEN COAT, AND BLACK BOOTS AS
SHE TWIRLS AROUND AND SHAKES THE TAMBOURINE.
IT'S BAD ENOUGH THAT AN ANGRY MOB IS ATTACKING YOU AT YOUR
WORKPLACE.
IT'S EVEN WORSE THAT ONE OF THEM IS DOING THIS:
STOP THE STEAL!
STOP, STOP THE STEAL!
TREASON, TREASON!
TREASON, IS THE REASON!
( LAUGHTER )
HANG HIMSELF.
SO...
HOW DID THEY CATCH HER?
WELL, APPARENTLY, CARPENTER WAS RATTED OUT TO THE F.B.I. BY AN
ANONYMOUS TIPSTER.
AND THIS TRUE?
I'M BEING TOLD WE HAVE TAPE OF THE TIPSTER.
>> PLEASE, YOU HAVE TO ARREST MY NEIGHBOR.
I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE, THE JANGLING!
IT'S LIKE A DRUM, BUT ALSO LIKE SOMEBODY'S THROWING A BUNCH OF
KEYS INTO A STEEL BARREL.
IT'S LIKE SOMEONE PUT A COINSTAR MACHINE INSIDE A WASHING
MACHINE.
OH, GOD!
SHE'S GONNA DO A SOLO.
COME QUICK!
>> Stephen: AFTER RECEIVING THE TIP, THE F.B.I. CALLED
CARPENTER IN FOR QUESTIONING, AND LATER RECOVERED THE
TAMBOURINE.
NO, LET HER GO!
ARREST THE TAMBOURINE.
SEND IT TO A SUPER-MAX PRISON!
OR THROW IT INTO MOUNT DOOM!
FUN FACT-- PLUS IT'S FUN.
CARPENTER ISN'T JUST AN EX-COP AND CURRENT TAMBOURINE PLAYER.
SHE'S ALSO AN ENTREPRENEUR WHO INVENTED A SPECIAL "SOFT
RETRACTABLE LEASH WITH A POCKET FOR WASTE BAGS."
PRESUMABLY FOR DOGS, BUT ALSO HANDY FOR CLEANING UP AFTER HER
FELLOW RIOTERS.
BECAUSE THEY POOPED IN THE CAPITOL.
WHAT?
I JUST WANT TO MAKE SURE EVERYBODY UNDERSTANDS THE
REFERENCE.
IT'S BEEN A WHILE.
NEXT UP-- SAL LOVES THAT.
IS THIS MIC ON?
NEXT UP ON THE ROUNDUP, IT'S A SEDITIONIST ROUNDUP ROUND-UP
UPDATE.
YOU MAY REMEMBER RECENTLY WHEN WE PROFILED RIOTER
TIMOTHY HALE-CUSANELLI, SEEN HERE CELEBRATING NEW YORK
FASCIST WEEK.
THIS WASN'T HEIL-MUSSOLINI'S FIRST BRUSH WITH THE LAW,
BECAUSE WE'VE SINCE LEARNED HE'S GOT A RAP SHEET DATING ALL THE
WAY BACK TO 2010 WHEN HE WAS ARRESTED WITH A MAKESHIFT GUN
BEARING THE WORDS "WHITE IS RIGHT," BECAUSE HE WAS "SHOOTING
FROZEN CORN AT HOUSES IN HOWELL, NEW JERSEY."
WE SHOULD HAVE SEEN THIS COMING AGES AGO, JUST BASED ON THOSE
ADS.
♪ HEIL, HEIL, HEIL!
WHITE POWER! ♪
>> Stephen: UNBELIEVABLE.
THERE'S SO MUCH TO TALK ABOUT TODAY.
BUT LET'S GET TO THE BIG STORY ABOUT THE BIG PROBLEM:
THE SUEZ CANAL IS BLOCKED AFTER A GIANT CONTAINER SHIP GOT
STUCK.
SO IT'S TIME FOR OUR FIRST-EVER, RECURRING CANAL-BASED ALERT
SEGMENT: ♪ ♪ ♪
LET'S JUMP RIGHT IN THE WATER.
THERE SHE IS, THE MASSIVE GROUNDED VESSEL, THE
"EVER GIVEN," OPERTED BY THE SHIPPING COMPANY EVERGREEN,
OBVIOUSLY EN ROUTE TO MAKE A VITAL DELIVERY OF LATE-MARCH
CHRISTMAS TREES.
THE SITUATION STARTED YESTERDAY WHEN POWERFUL WINDS FORCED THE
SHIP AGROUND ON ONE OF THE CANAL'S BANKS, BLOCKING NEARLY
THE ENTIRE WIDTH OF THE CANAL.
I GET IT.
AFTER A YEAR OF QUARANTINE, NOTHING FITS ANYMORE.
THEY SHOULD HAVE PUT THAT SHIP INTO THEIR STRETCHY
CANAL-- YOU KNOW, THE ONE THAT LOOKS LIKE DENIM, BUT GIVES?
AND IT'S SMART ENOUGH TO GO FROM SOFA TO BRUNCH.
I'LL GIVE YOU A SENSE OF HOW HUGE THESE CONTAINER SHIPS ARE,
THIS ONE IS AS LONG AS NEW YORK'S EMPIRE STATE BUILDING IS
TALL.
WELL, THERE'S YOUR PROBLEM.
YOU SHOULD HAVE SAILED IT THROUGH UPRIGHT.
NOW, YOU LANDLUBBERS OUT THERE ONES WHO TONIGHT HAVE HATS THIS
NICE, PROBABLY LEARNED ABOUT THIS STORY FROM
VARIOUS SHORE-BASED NEWS OUTLETS, BUT I'M A MAN OF THE
SEA, A SALTY DOG.
SO I'VE BEEN TRACKING THIS BRINY PICKLE FROM THE MOMENT-- FROM
THE MOMENT IT BEGAN, RIGHT HERE, ON MY MARINE TRAFFIC
APP.
IT SHOWS YOU THE REAL-TIME LOCATION OF EVERY REGISTERED
SEAFARING VESSEL ON THE PLANET.
JIMMY, THROW THIS UP ON THE SCREEN THERE.
BOOM!
RIGHT THERE.
THAT IS A LIVE PICTURE OF THE "EVER GIVEN" BLOCK THE CANAL.
STATUS: STOPPED.
SPEED: 0 KNOTS.
AND WHEN I SWIPE RIGHT...
OOH!
WE'RE A MATCH.
MEET ME IN THE MEDITERRANEAN.
I'LL BE WEARING A TUGBOAT.
NOW, I DID NOT IMAGINE WHEN I READ IN THE SCRIPT THAT I'D BE
WEARING A HAT THAT I'D BE WEARING IT THIS LONG.
NO, I CAN'T TAKE IT OFF.
I CAN'T TAKE IT OFF.
IT SAYS IN THE SCRIPT THAT I'VE GOT A HAT ON.
NOW, AFTER 150 YEARS, THE SUEZ IS STILL A MAJOR SHIPPING ROUTE,
AND THERE'S STERN-TO-BOW TRAFFIC THROUGHOUT THE CANAL.
SO AUTHORITIES ARE TRYING THEIR BEST TO DISLODGE THE VESSEL.
HERE'S THE FULL FLEET OF ONE BULLDOZER TRYING TO DIG IT OUT.
COME ON, GUYS.
COULDN'T YOU HAVE SENT SOMETHING SMALLER?
MAYBE AN OLD MAN WITH A GRAPEFRUIT SPOON?
OR A SINGLE PRAIRIE DOG WITH TENNIS ELBOW?
ANYWAY, THAT'S HOW THINGS STAND.
FOR CONTINUED COVERAGE OF THIS TALL TALE OF SEABORNE WOE, STAY
TUNED, BECAUSE RIGHT AFTER "A LATE SHOW," I'LL BE HEADING OVER
TO PARAMOUNT+ FOR MY OTHER JOB AS A GLOBAL MARITIME TRAFFIC
REPORTER.
WE'VE GOT EVERYTHING: "STRAIT TALK."
"THE PORT REPORT."
AND, OF COURSE, MY SPECIAL PANAMA DISPATCH: A MAN, A PLAN,
A CANAL: ANALYSIS.
NOW, NOT ALL THE WATERWAY NEWS OUT THERE IS BAD.
IN FACT, SOME OF IT IS DOWNRIGHT ADORABLE!
YESTERDAY, DOLPHINS WERE SPOTTED SWIMMING IN NEW YORK CITY'S EAST
RIVER!
THAT IS SO COOL!
THOUGH, PROBABLY A CONFUSING DAY FOR NEW YORK'S MOBSTERS.
"DON'T WORRY, BOSS.
LITTLE GINO TWO-FINGERS IS SWIMMING WITH THE FISHES.
WELL, TECHNICALLY, DOLPHINS ARE MAMMALS.
BUT HE LOVED SWIMMING WITH 'EM!
GOT TO BOOP ONE ON THE NOSE!
NEVER SEEN THE GUY SO HAPPY. HE SAID HE COULD REALLY SENSE THEIR
INTELLIGENCE.
REALLY MADE A CONNECTION.
ALL IN ALL, A GREAT DAY FOR LITTLE GINO TWO-FINGERS.
YOU WANTED US TO DO WHAT?!" HAT BACK ON.
THE MARINE MAMMALS IN QUESTION WERE SPOTTED YESTERDAY MORNING
SWIMMING NEAR GREENPOINT, BROOKLYN-- WHICH EXPLAINS WHY
THEY WERE DRINKING CANS OF OLD STYLE AND TALKING ABOUT
ETHICALLY SOURCED COFFEE.
I GOTTA SAY, IT'S PRETTY INCREDIBLE TO SEE A DOLPHIN IN
THE BIG APPLE-- OR, AS ONE NEW YORKER PUT IT:
>> I MEAN, THAT'S A (BLEEP) DOLPHIN, MAN!
>> Stephen: OKAY, THAT SOUNDS LIKE SALTY TALK, BUT IN FACT,
HE'S JUST USING THE SCIENTIFIC NAME FOR THIS TYPE OF PORPOISE:
A (BLEEP) DOLPHIN.
NOW YOU KNOW WHY THE NAME OF THE SHOW WAS "FLIPPER."
SPEAKING OF MAMMALS: WOMEN.
IT'S TRUE.
YOU CAN LOOK IT UP.
MARCH IS WOMEN'S HISTORY MONTH.
IT'S JUST LIKE MEN'S HISTORY MONTH, BUT IT BUTTONS THE OTHER
WAY, FOR SOME REASON.
EVERY YEAR, CORPORATIONS TRY TO FIND WAYS TO HONOR WOMEN WITH
THEIR PRODUCTS.
FOR INSTANCE, MATTEL RELEASED A SPECIAL-EDITION ELEANOR
ROOSEVELT BARBIE, WHICH GIVES YOUNG GIRLS THE OPPORTUNITY TO
CELEBRATE ELEANOR ROOSEVELT, AND ELEANOR ROOSEVELT THE
OPPORTUNITY TO DEFEAT VOLTRON.
ALSO, HERSHEY CELEBRATED WOMEN'S HISTORY MONTH BY RELEASING A
BATCH OF LIMITED EDITION HER-SHE'S BARS.
OF COURSE, COME APRIL, THEY HAVE TO GO BACK TO SELLING THEIR
TRADITIONAL MASCULINE, HIM-HE BARS.
BUT HERSHEY'S ISN'T THE ONLY PRODUCT PANDERING TO WOMEN BY
REBRANDING, OR REPAND-HER-ING.
JIM?
>> THEY SAY IT'S A MAN'S WORLD, BUT YOU'RE THRIVING IN IT.
AND AFTER A LONG DAY SHATTERING GLASS CEILINGS, YOU WORK UP AN
APPETITE.
THAT'S WHY, IN HONOR OF WOMEN'S HISTORY MONTH, WE'RE INTRODUCING
HUNGRY MAN DINNERS FOR WOMEN, BECAUSE STRONG, POWERFUL WOMEN
DESERVE STRONG, POWERFUL MEALS.
NOW YOU CAN ENJOY YOUR GIRL DINNER ANYWHERE A MAN CAN:
AT THE JOB SITE.
IN THE BOARD ROOM.
OR, MOST LIKELY, WHILE STANDING OVER THE SINK.
AND CHECK OUT NEW FEMINIST FLAVORS, LIKE HOMESTYLE
MEATLOAF-ETTE.
HONEY BAKED MA'AM.
AND SUSAN BEEF ANTHONY.
WOA-MAN.
AND, SURE, THE FOOD IS EXACTLY THE SAME AS REGULAR HUNGRY MAN:
A MIXTURE OF PROTEIN AND CHEMICALS PRESSED TOGETHER IN
THE SHAPE OF MEAT.
BUT THAT'S NOT PANDERING.
THAT'S RESPECT-- WHICH IS ALSO A WORD WE STUCK ON THE BOX.
SO, SISTER, AFTER A LONG DAY OF EMPOWERMENT, UNBUTTON YOUR
PANTS, DO THAT COOL TRICK WHERE YOU SLIP OFF YOUR BRASSIERE
THROUGH YOUR SHIRT, AND GET YOUR LADY TEETH WORKING ON SOME
HUNGRY MAN DINNERS FOR WOMEN.
BECAUSE EVEN THOUGH YOU MAKE 75% OF A MAN'S SALARY, YOU DESERVE
100% OF HIS MEAL AND 200% OF THE RECOMMENDED DAILY SERVING OF
SATURATED FAT.
>> Stephen: WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT.
I'LL BE TALKING TO SHARON STONE.
BUT WHEN WE COME BACK, I REVEAL THIS YEAR'S HOTTEST EASTER CARDS
WITH A SURPRISE GUEST.
IT'S MY WIFE, EVIE.
STICK AROUND.
♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪