- Oh my God, I forgot to have kids.
(neighing)
What up, everyone?
It's your girl Superwoman.
And let me just preface this video by saying
I actually love kids.
In fact, I have three nephew that I adore tremendously.
Now that I've convinced you I'm wonderful and loving,
let me tell you five reasons
why I can't have my own annoying brat kids.
Number one, horror movies.
I could literally see the Devil
ripping out someone's soul in a horror movie,
and I still wouldn't be as scared
as seeing a little girl in a white dress.
Horror movies are scientific evidence
that kids are the root of all evil.
Straight up, if my kid started acting creepy,
I would have zero tolerance.
Honestly, I might even name my daughter Felicia,
just so it's easier to say bye to her
in case she gets possessed.
Felicia, go wash up for dinner, please.
- But Billy and I aren't hungry yet.
- Is Billy your unicorn?
- No, Billy's my best friend,
and he's sitting beside me right now.
Say hi, mom.
Don't ignore him, mom.
We'll talk about this later.
- Pack your bags.
You're moving in with daddy.
Feel free to call whatever homewrecker he's with mommy.
Bye, Felicia.
Be gone.
Not the shoes.
Number two, uselessness.
Okay, how do I say this in a polite way?
Okay, I got it.
Kids are idiots.
If you don't supervise a kid for three seconds,
they somehow end up in the dumbest situations.
- I wanna help.
- Okay, put this shirt on a hanger for mommy.
- Mommy, help!
- How the hell?
Put your seatbelt on, sweetie.
- 'Kay.
- Good girl.
(whimpering)
How?
Okay now, be careful and don't spill it.
- Okay.
Oops.
(laughing)
- Mother.
How can you eff up everything so quickly?
Stop being such a Trump.
Number three, my vajayjay.
Here's the thing, right.
I enjoy when my vagina is intact,
because stitches belong in a Shawn Mendes song,
not my hooha.
Here's all the things that I couldn't do
if my vagina was mangled.
Lunges.
Snow angels.
Splits.
Oh, wait, I'm not Logan Paul.
I couldn't do the splits either way.
(sobbing)
The point is, my vagina says no.
What's that?
Hell no!
Number four, setting an example.
Let me be crystal clear, okay.
I'm a hot effing mess,
and the last thing I need to do
is adjust my behavior because some punk kid
is gonna copy everything my hot mess self does.
Like, stop jacking my swagoo.
- Ms. Singh, two of our students got into a fight
and your daughter asked Ashley if she wants her to
"Snatch her by her weave and cut a ho?"
(laughing)
- Oh my God, did she?
What a good friend.
I mean, my goodness, that language, unacceptable.
- I fear your daughter may be mentally unstable.
She often dresses up as different characters
and talks to herself.
- What?
- Yes.
- Okay, I have no idea where she learned that.
- Hmm.
- My daughter's gonna be out there
getting me in trouble with teachers,
spilling my tea everywhere,
like, yo, snitches get stitches, brah.
Learn that.
Respect that.
Get that tattooed on your forehead.
You can't, you need parental permission.
That would be me.
Go eff yourself.
Number five, fake praise.
I believe in real, authentic feedback
that makes someone better and allows them to grow.
Okay, but when you have kids,
you have to pretend all their suckiness doesn't suck,
and I don't think lying is a good lesson.
- Mommy, I drew you.
- Aw, let me see.
Sweetheart.
This is trash.
It's really bad.
Look, you got my eyes all wrong.
And my hair is not that thin.
- But I tried my best!
- And it wasn't good enough.
(crying)
If you keep drawing ugly pictures of mommy
and act like a brat about it,
imma tell Santa you were naughty.
- Snitches get stitches, brah!
- God damn you, stop copying me!
I'm sure there's lots of valid reasons to have kids,
you know, like love, being proud,
contributing to society.
But me, I just wanna drink vodka whenever I want
and have no responsibilities.
Does that make me a bad person?
Or really smart?
Just kidding, I'm probably gonna have kids one day.
But I'm definitely gonna adopt,
'cause I was super serious about the vagina part.
True!
Did you like that video?
Here's how you can let me know,
give it a big thumbs up.
You wanna check out my last video?
It's right over there.
My second vlog channel that has bloopers to this video,
right over there.
And make sure you subscribe,
because I have almost 11 million children.
My vagina hates me.
Also, preorder my book.
Link is right over there.
One love, Superwoman.
That is a wrap, and zoom!