Sup G?
This yo' boy Doc Sweets and this week we gettin our BROmance on with The Epic of Gilgamesh.
Ain't nobody swingin' a bigger dick than Gilgamesh, da King of Uruk.
Not only is this cat two-thirds God, but he da swolest, smartest, and finest cat in da
hood.
Cept, Gilgamesh is one cold muthafucka: he'll ghost his own warriors, boost shit just cuz
he can, and get buck nasty with new brides BEFORE their husbands can get a crack at it.
It's good to be the king!
Eventually his peoples get fed up and say "Yo gods.
Y'all best sack up and put Gilgamesh's crazy ass in check cuz we tired of his shit"
So the goddess Aruru decide her fine self gonna build a brutha outta clay who'll be
SO gangsta that he'll step up to Gilgamesh and get him to slow his roll.
So ZAWOOOT, bitches- Enkidu is born.
One day a hunter rollin' strapped through the wilderness when he catch Eknidu's Tarzan-ass
messin with all his traps.
Boy ask his daddy how he s'posed to tame this raggedy savage and pops be all like Hm...
I know!"
Awwwwwww yeah!
As soon as dis trick whip out a titty, Enkidu gives her the D for 6 days and 7 nights STRAIGHT.
Man.
You know this dude ballin if he ain't raw afta' dat.
Now dat he got tha stank all up on him, his animal homies don't want nuthin to do with
him.
When Enkidu get word bout Gilgamesh doin' his people dirty, he say "shit.
Imma give dat fool a beat down dat'll send his balls packin'."
Up in Uruk, Gilgamesh bout get freaky with a newly married woman when Enkidu step to
and be like "Nuh-uh son.
Dat pussy ain't yours."
Next thing you know it's an ALL OUT BRAWL IN THE STREETS.
WHACK!
BOOM!
HIYAAAA!
When da dust settle, Gilgamesh da one on top-- Cuz he still the OG.
They ain't beefin' though.
Immediately after the tussle, they become homies.
(they kiss) MMMM!
Gilgamesh like "say brah.
Ya know what would step up our rep?
If we went and whooped on dat forest guardian Humbaba and got our hands on some of dem dank
cedar trees."
"Hell yeah."
After beastin through five trippy nightmares and climbin mountains, they reach da Cedar
Forest and start bustin' down trees.
All da sudden RAAAAWR- Oh shit, Humbaba here!
With a lil' help from the god Shamash, Gilgamesh get da jump on dat scrub.
Fool start BEGGIN' Gilgamesh to let him live but Enkidu like "Come on, bruh.
PULVERIZE DAT BITCH."
Humbaba pissed that Enkidu gonna do him like that, so he put a curse on Enkidu sayin' he
gonna bite the dust BEFO' Gilgamesh.
Hmm!
Gilgamesh like "Aw Hell no.
NOBODY curses mah boy!" and RIPS HIS HEAD OFF.
Lookin like a couple Pimps, Giglamesh and Enkidu flow back to Uruk.
Now Gilgamesh so fly dat Ishtar, da Goddess of love and war, start gettin all up on his
nuts axin to be his wife n' shit.
But he ain't feelin how she hit it and quit it with her other boytoys and shuts her DOWN.
Girl so butthurt dat she get her daddy to send the Bull of Heaven to go HAM on Gilgamesh's
ass.
But this bull ain't got shit on mah boys Gilgamesh and Enkidu.
That's right!
Now that Humbaba and the Bull are dead, the gods like "Look.
Dat boy Enkindu GOT.
TO.
GO."
Afta 12 days of bein sick as a dog, Enkidu take da long dirt nap and Gilgamesh's heart
breaks to pieces.
So he call on the da whole world to mourn his man and sends him out in style.
Now Gilg tweakin HARD bout his own death, so he set out to find this immortal dood named
Utnapishtim to get the DL on dat everlasting life.
After beastin through all sorta trials dat ain't no mortal eva' done, Gilgamesh finally
roll up to Utnapishtim and be like "say bruh.
How can I get me a lil' taste of dat immortality?"
Ol' Nappy be like "check it- I beasted through the great flood and the gods felt so bad fo'
puttin me through all dat mess that one of em made my wife and me immortal.
So you shit outta luck, mayne."
Not wanting to leave a brutha hangin, Ut tell Gilgamesh bout a plant that'll make him young
n' fresh again.
Gilg snatches dat herb and start feelin' like he da shit 'til his plant get boosted by a
weak-ass snake on his way home.
Yeah, It sucks dat he ain't gonna live forever.
But at da end of the day, he still got a pretty baller city with some pretty righteous bruthas
n' sistas inside.
So it ain't all bad, baby.
Now just when you think the story's over- it ain't.
Fo' some reason Enkidu still alive and Gilgamesh and his boy still goin' on their adventures
like it ain't no thang.
WHAT?
So... da hell up wit dat ending?
Enkidu chillin' six feet deep then all the sudden he's back to thuggin' with his boy?
Did some thriller shit go down?
Well not exactly.
See, this epic poem is so damn old, it hit the streets when people were still using their
hand to wipe their ass.
No, fo real- this shit was written on 12 crusty-ass stone tablets, and the twelfth is da one that
got Enkidu back in the game with no explanation.
Some scholars think the twelfth tablet is some kinda bullshit DVD extra dat don't mean
jack to da rest of the narrative.
Others think it's just part of a whole other story starring Gilg and his boy.
Ending or no, this Epic poem got mad similarities with anotha' text dats older than shit: da
bible.
Fo one, da story of Utnapshitim and his woman sound a whole lot like Noah's Ark.
In both stories, da Gods actin' real crazy tryna kill errybody cept one family with a
big ass flood.
And dat snake who grubs on Gilgamesh's magic weed sound a whole lot like dat hater- snake
who got Adam and Eve booted out of the Garden of Eden.
And when Ut's woman drop wise words on Gilgamesh, it's straight from Ecclesiastes.
So what kinda crazy sampling is going down here?
Some scholars think the bible took some of da rhymes in Gilgamesh and remixed it to make
some fresh new jams.
Others say dat since both texts were likely written around 2100 BC, they prolly riffin'
off da same stories.
Now at the heart of THIS story is a bromance as old as time.
I mean Gilgamesh so tight with Enkidu, it's like he give Gilg's life meaning.
Before he meet Enkidu, Gilgamesh was all bout dat G-life of bitches n' power, but when he
see Enkidu get merced by the gods, Gilg get so TO UP that he holler at every creature
and person in da land to po' one out for his boy.
Dat broken heart make Gilgamesh put his bangin' days behind him and recognize dat there's
way mo' important things to marinate on than getting your dick wet: like human suffering,
death, and livin' a meaningful life.
Ya heard?
Brutha recognize dat whether you top dog or bottom bitch, death is COMIN' for yo ass.
And no matta' how bad it hurt when life take a dump on you, the universe don't give a damn
bout yo suffering.
Cuz on the real, ain't nobody can dodge death, so you best appreciate what you got in front
of you and cherish da bond you got wit yo homies.
Cuz one day, it ain't gonna be there no' mo- and not even the realest baller in the world
can change that.
Thanks for kickin it wit yo boy Doc Sweets!