AND GENTLEMEN, WELCOME TO "THE
STARTING YOUR DAY, WHEREVER YOU'RE WATCHING THIS, IF YOU'RE
ENDING YOUR DAY, STARTING YOUR DAY, WE'RE HAPPY YOU'RE HERE.
GOOD NIGHT, EVERYBODY -- ( BAND PLAYING )
IS IT IN YOU? >> CORONA?
>> James: NO, I WASN'T TALKING ABOUT CORONAVIRUS.
>> OH, GOOD. >> James: NO ONE'S SAYING
CORONAVIRUS ANYMORE. THEY'RE ALL A COMPLETE PIVOT TO
COVID. >> WE ALL CALL IT THE RONA.
>> James: I CALL IT THE BILLY RAY.
BILLY RAY CYRUS, BILLY RAY VIRUS.
IT'S CALLED THE BILLY RAY VIRUS. HI, WHAT'S UP?
>> I JUST SAID WHERE IS THIS COMING FROM?
>> James: WELL, THERE'S A GLOBAL PANDEMIC HAPPENING.
( LAUGHTER ) LET'S MEET OUR GUESTS ON THE
SHOW TONIGHT. SHE'S A TALENTED ACTOR YOU KNOW
FROM "MANK," "MIRROR MIRROR," AND "EMILY IN PARIS," THE
DELIGHTFUL, THE DAZZLING, LILY COLLINS!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) HI, LILY, HOW ARE YA?
>> SO GOOD. HOW ARE YOU?
>> James: VERY, VERY WELL. I'M MULTI-TASKING BECAUSE I'M
SO LOW DOING TOUCHUPS AND LINT ROLLING.
>> James: NO TEAM COLLINS? EXACTLY.
>> James: NO TEAM COLLINS! WELL, BRING THE LENT ROLLER DOWN
IN CASE ANYBODY NEEDS A -- >> YOU NEED A LITTLE.
>> James: YEAH, BRING IT DOWN. I'LL BRING IT OUT THERE
>> JAMES: LILY COLLINS, EVERYBODY!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) HE'S AN EMMY NOMINATED ACTOR YOU
KNOW FROM "THE GOOD PLACE," "THE UNDERGROUND RAILROAD," AND "LOVE
LIFE," THE SUPERB, WILLIAM JACKSON HARPER!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) THERE HE IS!
HOW ARE YOU, WILLIAM? YOU GOOD?
I'M WELL, MAN. >> James: HOW ARE YOU?
GOOD TO SEE YOU. >> GOOD TO SEE YOU, TOO.
>> James: DID YOU BRING A LINT ROLLER?
IF YOU HEAD OVER TO LILY'S TRESSING ROOM NOW.
>> YEAH, YEAH. >> James: IF YOU NEED TO BE
ROLLED, YOU NEED TO BE ROLLED. IT'S THAT ROOM.
>> YEAH. ( KNOCKING )
HEY -- >> ARE YOU IN NEED OF A LINT
ROLLER? >> I AM.
DO YOU WANT TO BORROW. YEAH
>> JAMES: WILLIAM JACKSON HARPER!
AND SHE'S A MULTIPLE GRAMMY AWARD-WINNING SINGER -SONGWRITER,
MUSICIAN, AND PRODUCER. HER ALBUM "DADDY'S HOME" IS UP
FOR "BEST ALTERNATIVE ALBUM" AT THIS YEAR'S GRAMMYS, THE DIVINE,
THE BRILLIANT, ST. VINCENT! ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
HEY! >> HI!
>> James: HOW ARE YA? I'M GREAT, HOW ARE YOU?
>> James: HOW NICE TO SEE YOU. YOU, TOO.
>> James: I'M SO HAPPY YOU'RE HERE.
>> ME, TOO! MAKES TWO OF US.
>> James: HAVE YOU GOT EVERYTHING YOU NEED?
>> I DO. >> James: ARE YOU SURE?
YES. THE TEAM HAS BEEN SO LOVELY TO
ME. I DO NEED A LINT ROLLING,
THOUGH. >> James: OH, I CAN HELP YOU.
I CAN HELP YOU. BECAUSE IF YOU GO TO LILY
COLLINS' ROOM NOW, YOU CAN GO, JUST GET IN THE LINT ROLL LINE.
>> DOES SHE SEW BECAUSE I HAVE A COUPLE --
>> James: OH, SHE DOES IT ALL. OKAY.
WE'LL LEAVE YOU TO IT. ST. VINCENT, EVERYBODY!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) I HAVE BEEN UP EARLY.
THAT'S THE PROBLEM. THAT'S THE ISSUE, I'M REALIZING.
I WAS UP EARLY. 3:45 A.M. I GOT UP THIS MORNING.
( AUDIENCE REACTS ) TRUE STORY.
>> WENT TO THE GYM? >> James: I WAS AT THE GYM.
( LAUGHTER ) ME AND MARK WAHLBERG WERE LIKE,
YEAH, BUDDY! ( LAUGHTER )
NO, I WAS DOWN TO CBS THIS MORNING THIS MORNING.
THEY SIT A VAN TO SIT OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE.
THERE'S A VAN AND JASON, HAIR AND MAKEUP JASON, THE MEN'S
GROOMER, HE CAME 3:45. I DON'T THINK HE OPENED HIS EYES
TO PUT MY MAKEUP ON. >> I THOUGHT YOU WERE GOING TO
SAY THAT. ( LAUGHTER )
>> James: THEN YOU GO SIT IN A VAN WITH JUST A PERSON IN THERE,
AND YOU'RE IN A VAN AND THEY TALK TO YOU IN NEW YORK AND IT'S
DONE. AND I THOUGHT, OH, I'LL GO BACK
TO SLEEP NOW. COULDN'T DO IT.
COULDN'T DO IT. >> SO IS YOUR BACKGROUND JUST
TTHE INSIDE OF A VAN? >> James: YEAH.
IT LOOKS LIKE YOU HAVE BEEN TAKEN, LIKE IT'S A HOSTAGE
VIDEO? >> James: IT DOESN'T LOOK LIKE
YOU'RE A HOSTAGE. IT'S A SCREEN IN A VAN.
I DON'T THINK ANYONE WOULD KNOW YOU'RE IN A VAN, BUT WHEN YOU'RE
DOING IT, YOU'RE VERY AWARE YOU'RE IN A VAN.
( LAUGHTER ) I THINK AT HOME, WHEN YOU WATCH
IT, IT WOULD NEVER EVEN ENTER YOUR MIND THAT I'M IN A VAN, BUT
WHEN YOU SAT IN A VAN, IT'S HARD TO FEEL ANYTHING OTHER THAN I'M
IN A VAN. THAT'S ME IN THE VAN.
( LAUGHTER ) THAT'S ME IN THE VAN!
( APPLAUSE ) >> Reggie: SO GOOD.
>> James: I CANNOT STRESS ENOUGH, THERE I'M IN THE VAN.
( LAUGHTER ) AND IT WAS -- IT WAS 4:30 IN THE
MORNING, AND I THINK MY EYES TELL YOU THAT, DON'T THEY?
>> Reggie: COMPLETELY. >> James: AND ALL NIGHT, I DID
THAT THING GOING, I'VE GOT TO GET TO SLEEP, I HAVE TO GET TO
SLEEP, WHICH IS THE WORST WAY TO GET TO SLEEP.
OKAY, THAT'S IT, NOW, GO TO SLEEP NOW, TURN THE LIGHT OFF,
JUST LAY THERE IN MY OWN THOUGHTS, AND THAT, LET ME TELL
YOU, FOR ME, THAT IS NO FUN. ( LAUGHTER )
SO, YEAH, I GOT INTO BED AND I THOUGHT, I'VE GOT TO GO TO
I WAS IN BED AT MIDNIGHT, UP AT 3:45.
THAT MIGHT BE WHY THIS IS THIS. WHAT DID YOU DO?
>> THEY'VE GOT THE HARRY POTTER REUNION.
>> James: DID YOU WATCH IT? I WATCHED IT LAST NIGHT.
>> James: HOUSE OF IT? IT WAS NOSTALGIC.
YOU KNOW NEVILLE LONGBOTTOM IN THE MOVIES?
>> James: YES. HE'S SUPER HANDSOME NOW.
>> James: YEAH. HE'S, OOOH --
>> James: I REMEMBER HIM, YEAH.
>> THAT'S WHAT HE USED TO LOOK LIKE.
I WATCHED LAST NIGHT AND THIS IS WHAT HE LOOKS LIKE NOW.
>> James: STOP! YEAH.
>> James: THAT'S NEVILLE -- WOW.
THAT IS A HANDSOME MAN. THERE'S NO DENYING IT.
>> HE'S FULL-BLOWN HOT. >> James: I AGREE.
IT CAN'T BE DENIED, HOT NEVILLE. >> PLATFORM NINE AND THREE
QUARTERS? MORE LIKE PLATFORM PERFECT TEN!
>> JAMES: ABSOLUTELY. COMPLETELY.
>> WINGARDIUM LEVIOSA? MORE LIKE WINGARDIUM
LEVI-OH-YEAH! >> JAMES: ALL RIGHT.
OLIVIA, WHAT'S NEW WITH YOU? >> I ALSO WATCHED RETURN TO
HOGWARTS. >> James: I DIDN'T HAVE YOU
DOWN AS A HARRY POTTER FAN. >> I'M NOT REALLY BUT HOT
NEVILLE CAN OPEN MY CHAMBER OF SECRET.
( LAUGHTER ) >> James: OKAY.
IF YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN. >> James: I DO, I DO.
DID ANYONE ELSE DO ANYTHING THIS WEEKEND, LAST NIGHT?
>> I HUNG OUT WITH MY HUSBAND. >> James: WITH POOKENS.
YEAH, AND HE FELL ASLEEP AND I CHECKED OUT HOT NEVILLE.
>> James: YOU AS WELL, REALLY? YEAH.
I'D TAKE HIM TO DIAGON ALLEY, IF YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN.
>> JAMES: I DO KNOW WHAT YOU MEAN!
IT'S ABUNDANTLY CLEAR! DID EVERYONE WATCH RETURN TO
HOGWARTS LAST NIGHT? >> YES.
>> JAMES: AND DID EVERYONE WATCH IT JUST FOR HOT NEVILLE?
>> YES. >> JAMES: WELL, THERE YOU HAVE
IT. OK, THEN, LET'S GET THIS OUT OF
THE WAY. IF ANYONE HAS ANYTHING MORE TO
SAY ABOUT HOT NEVILLE, NOW IS THE TIME.
>> JAMES, JAMES. >> James: YES, NATE.
YES. >> WHAT DID THE SORTING HAT SAY
TO HOT NEVILLE? >> James: I DON'T KNOW.
HAVE YOU TRIED MODELING, BECAUSE AZKADAM!
HE, JAMES? >> James: YEAH.
>> MORE LIKE THE CLOAK OF INVISI-BOIYOIYOIYOING!
>> JAMES: OKAY. >> I'D LET HIM HIDE IN TH
-- I'D LET HIM GET MY HOGWARTS ANY"TIME."
DID YOU GET THAT? >> James: ARE WE GOOD?
AMES? >> James: JOEL, YES.
DOES NEVILLE HAVE A LITTLE ITALIAN IN HIM?
>> JAMES: OKAY, THAT'S IT. DON'T EVEN FINISH THAT.
THIS WAS A DANGEROUS GAME. LET'S GET TO THE HEADLINES.
IT'S TIME FOR THE NEWS. SENATE DEMOCRATS HAVE OFFICIALLY
ANNOUNCED THAT THEY ARE PUTTING PRESIDENT BIDEN'S SIGNATURE
CLIMATE AND SOCIAL SPENDING BILL ON HOLD.
THERE SIMPLY AREN'T ENOUGH DEMOCRATIC VOTES TO GET "BUILD
BACK BETTER" THROUGH THE SENATE AT THIS TIME.
THAT'S A REAL BUILD BACK BUMMER. ( LAUGHTER )
MAJORITY LEADER CHUCK SCHUMER ANNOUNCED YESTERDAY THAT SENATE
DEMOCRATS WILL NOW FOCUS ON VOTING RIGHTS LEGISLATION.
AND I'M SURE THEY'RE JUST GONNA KNOCK THAT ONE OUT OF THE PARK.
IT WAS SUCH AN ORDEAL TO GET THIS BILL PASSED IN THE HOUSE,
AND NOW IT'S JUST STALLED IN THE SENATE.
IT'S LIKE WHEN YOU SPEND HOURS CONVINCING YOUR DAD TO LET YOU
STAY AT YOUR FRIEND'S HOUSE, ONLY FOR YOUR MOM TO WALK IN AND
GO "ABSOLUTELY NOT. NO CHANCE."
IN OTHER POLITICAL NEWS, BIDEN'S DISAPPROVAL RATINGS HAVE HIT A
NEW HIGH. ACCORDING TO A NEW CNBC POLL
THAT CAME OUT TODAY, 60% OF RESPONDENTS DON'T APPROVE OF
BIDEN'S HANDLING OF THE ECONOMY. ON THE BRIGHT SIDE, AT LEAST
VOTERS HAVE FORGOTTEN ABOUT AFGHANISTAN!
ON TOP OF THAT, 55% OF SURVEY RESPONDENTS SAID THEY DISAPPROVE
OF BIDEN'S LEADERSHIP DURING THE PANDEMIC, WHILE THE OTHER 45%
SAID, "WHAT PANDEMIC?" ( LAUGHTER )
BUT THIS IS NOT GOOD. WITH RATINGS THIS LOW, I CAN'T
HELP BUT THINK BIDEN IS GETTING DANGEROUSLY CLOSE TO THE "WHAT
IF I GOT BANGS?" STAGE OF HIS PRESIDENCY.
( LAUGHTER ) PROS PLACES
AND DID EVERYBODY SEE THIS? DUE TO THE MASSIVE WINTER STORM
THAT HIT THE D.C. AREA YESTERDAY, CARS WERE BACKED UP
ON I-95 FOR MORE THAN 50 MILES. IN FACT, VIRGINIA SENATOR TIM
KAINE WAS ONE OF THE COMMUTERS TRAPPED ON THE INTERSTATE,
CAUSING HIM TO TWEET THIS: "I STARTED MY NORMAL TWO -HOUR
DRIVE TO D.C. AT 1:00 P.M. YESTERDAY.
19 HOURS LATER, I'M STILL NOT NEAR THE CAPITOL."
BUT HIS COMMUTE WASN'T DONE. IT TOOK HIM 27 HOURS TO GET TO
WORK. 27 HOURS!
THE STAKES WERE HIGH TOO BECAUSE IT ONLY TAKES 24 HOURS
FOR ANYONE TO FORGET WHO TIM KAINE IS.
( LAUGHTER ) DO YOU REMEMBER TIM KAINE?
DO YOU REMEMBER TIM KAINE? >> HE RAN FOR PRESIDENT OR
SOMETHING, RIGHT? >> VICE PRESIDENT.
>> James: HE WAS HILLARY CLINTON'S RUNNING MATE.
DO YOU REMEMBER THAT TIME HE WAS IN L.A. FOR FOUR HOURS AND WE
TRIED TO GET HIM TO DO TIM KAINE AND THE MEMBRANE?
>> YES. ( LAUGHTER )
>> James: THAT'S A TRUE STORY. HE ASKED FOR A BIT.
>> James: HE SAID THE TIM KAINE IS IN LOS ANGELES FOR FOUR
HOURS SATURDAY MORNING, HAVE YOU GOT ANY COMEDY YOU'D LIKE TO DO
WITH HIM? AND WE SAID TO HIM, WE WOULD
LIKE TO MAKE A MUSIC VIDEO OF TIM KAINE AND THE MEMBRANE, AND
THEY CAME BACK AND SAID, HIS SCHEDULE IS PACKED UP, I'M SO
SORRY. ( LAUGHTER )
AND SOME SAD NEWS TO PASS ALONG. AS OF TODAY, CLASSIC BLACKBERRY
PHONES WILL NO LONGER BE ABLE TO USE DATA, SEND TEXT MESSAGES,
ACCESS THE INTERNET, OR MAKE CALLS, EVEN TO 911.
SO, TODAY, OUR THOUGHTS ARE WITH ANY OF YOU OUT THERE WHO HAPPEN
TO BE A MID-LEVEL ACCOUNT MANAGER FROM 2008.
( LAUGHTER ) I MISS MY BLACKBERRY.
I LONG FOR IT. I PINE FOR IT.
I DO. I MISS BUTTONS, ACTUAL BUTTONS,
YOU KNOW? I CAN'T THINK OF THE LAST TIME
WHEN I EVEN THOUGHT ABOUT BLACKBERRY WAS.
BLACKBERRY ANNOUNCING THEY'RE DONE HAS THE SAME ENERGY AS YOUR
EX-GIRLFRIEND TEXTING YOU ON YOUR WEDDING DAY.
YOU SPLIT UP TEN YEARS AGO AND IT'S,
"HAVE FUN WITH YOUR IPHONE YOU PIECE OF CRAP, BECAUSE AS OF
THIS MINUTE I AM OFFICIALLY DONE."
"YOU CAN'T CALL ME! YOU DON'T TEXT ME!
DON'T USE DATA!" WHAT'S ONE PIECE OF TECHNOLOGY
YOU WISH WOULD MAKE A COMEBACK? >> DO YOU KNOW WHEN YOU WOULD GO
TO THE BANK AND PUT ALL YOUR STUFF I IN A PNEUMATIC TUBE ANDT
WOULD CLICK IN THAT SATISFYING WAY?
I DON'T KNOW WHAT IT IS ABOUT IT BUT ONCE I PUT IT IN THERE I
WAS, LIKE, YEAH, NOW IT'S ( BLEEP ) ABOUT TO GET HANDLED
FOR SURE. ( LAUGHTER )
>> JAMES: AND THERE'S A NEW ROBOT DEBUTING AT THE CONSUMER
ELECTRONICS SHOW IN LAS VEGAS THIS WEEK.
IT'S CALLED THE BE-OMNI ONE. IT CAN DO ERY PRECISE, DELICATE
TASKS, BUT IS STRONG ENOUGH TO LIFT UP TO 60 POUNDS.
HERE IT IS IN ACTION. YOU SEE IT THERE.
HERE IT IS OPENING UP A SODA THEN POURS THE SODA INTO GLASS.
NOW IT'S TAKING SOME SALT AND ADDING THAT TO A RECIPE.
( LAUGHTER ) WELL DONE.
( LAUGHTER ) THAT'S REALLY COOL.
IT LOOKS LIKE THE HERO IN A MARVEL FILM ABOUT MINOR
INCONVENIENCES. ( LAUGHTER )
I WATCHED THAT AND I'M, LIKE, THERE'S ACTUAL ( BLEEP ) THAT
NEEDS TO BE DONE, GUYS! AND WHAT AM I GOING TO DO?
WATCH THAT AND BE, LIKE, OH, I'LL KEEP THIS IN MIND WHEN
I NEED A $90,000 SOLUTION TO OPENING A SODA BOTTLE.
( LAUGHTER ) IT'S NIMBLE ENOUGH TO PICK UP A
PINCH OF SALT, YET STRONG ENOUGH TO LIFT 60 POUNDS.
AND I HATE TO BRAG, BUT SO AM I. ( LAUGHTER )
THOSE ARE IMPRESSIVE FUNCTIONS, BUT YOU KNOW WHAT ELSE THIS
ROBOT DOES? IT ALSO LISTENS.
SUCH A RARE TRAIT THESE DAYS. AND, FINALLY, A WOMAN IN GERMANY
FOUND A RATHER UNUSUAL WAY TO ENCORAGE PEOPLE TO GET
VACCINATED. SHE LAID OUT PIECES OF BREAD IN
A FIELD, THEN RELEASED 700 SHEEP AND GOATS TO CREATE A
VERY SPECIAL IMAGE. HAVE A LOOK AT THIS.
THERE'S THE BREAD. HERE THEY COME.
THEN THEY FORMED A 330-FOOT LONG SYRINGE.
( LAUGHTER ) IF THAT DOESN'T MAKE YOU WANT TO
GET VACCINATED, I DON'T KNOW WHAT WILL.
I JUST DON'T KNOW WHAT WILL. ( APPLAUSE )
I GUESS NOVAK DJOKOVIC IS SOMEWHERE GOING, NO, NOT HAVING
IT. I'M NOT DOING IT.
SHEEP? YEAH, GO ON, DO IT.
CAN I SEE THAT AGAIN? LOOK AT THAT.
HOW DOES THIS ENCOURAGE VACCINATIONS?
WHO'S LIKE, "YOU KNOW WHAT WOULD GET PEOPLE TO TRUST THE
VACCINE?" "SCIENTIFIC STUDIES SHOWING HOW
EFFECTIVE IT IS?" "NO!
BARN YARD ANIMALS, MAKE THEM LOOK LIKE A SYRINGE.
BANG! ( LAUGHTER )
ALTHOUGH IT DOES PROVE THAT SOLUTIONS REALLY DO COME IN ALL
SHEEPS AND SIZES. ( LAUGHTER )
THAT'S OUR SHOW, EVERYBODY! ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
ALL THE SHEEP AND GOATS LINED UP IN THE SHAPE OF A SYRINGE.
WELL, EXCEPT FOR KYLE, WHO GOT A RELIGIOUS EXEMPTION.
( LAUGHTER ) WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH MORE OF
"THE LATE LATE SHOW"! ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )