- OOH, OUR NEXT REVIEW CAME TO US IN AN EMAIL...
- MM-HMM. - FROM "TOOMUCHTANYA2000,"
OH, IN MADISON, WISCONSIN.
- RACISM--A DISLIKE OF OTHERS JUST BECAUSE THEY'RE DIFFERENT.
WELL, I GUESS I'M GONNA HAVE TO CHANGE
MY OUTLOOK AND BECOME... A RACIST.
FOR YOU, MY BLACK FRIEND.
BEFORE I EMBARKED ON MY JOURNEY OF RACE-BASED HATRED,
I PAID A VISIT TO MY BLACK NEIGHBOR, GENE,
TO BANK SOME GOODWILL FOR THE DIFFICULT TIMES AHEAD.
I HAD ALWAYS THOUGHT OF BLACK PEOPLE SIMPLY AS PEOPLE
AND, AS A CONSEQUENCE,
DIDN'T THINK MUCH WAS SPECIAL ABOUT THEM.
BUT NOW I WOULD NEED TO DISCOVER WHAT IT WAS
THAT MADE THEM DIFFERENT
AND HOW I COULD TURN THAT INTO FEELINGS OF RED-HOT RACISM.
AS LUCK WOULD HAVE IT, I STUMBLED UPON A FAMILY REUNION
OF BLACK PEOPLE, WHICH WAS BEING HELD IN A PUBLIC PARK
WHERE ANYONE COULD JOIN THEM.
HI, THERE. [chuckles]
- YOU WANT TO KNOW WHO'S RUDE? CAMERON.
SHE SAYS TO ME, "OH, YOU NEED TO DO SOMETHING WITH YOUR HAIR."
- [scoffs] UNBELIEVABLE.
OVER THE COURSE OF A PRODUCTIVE AND ENJOYABLE AFTERNOON
OF INTERRACIAL EAVESDROPPING,
I LEARNED AN ENORMOUS AMOUNT
OF UNFLATTERING THINGS ABOUT BLACK PEOPLE.
- WHO INVITED YOU, AGAIN?
- THEY INSULT YOUR HAIR WHEN THEIR WEAVE LOOKS TERRIBLE,
THEY SHOOT OFF THEIR MOUTHS TO DERRICK
ABOUT THINGS THAT DON'T CONCERN THEM,
AND, MOST INFURIATINGLY,
THEY WON'T STOP TALKING ABOUT THEIR CATERING BUSINESS.
WAS IT DIFFICULT TO EARN THEIR TRUST?
SO LONG, EVERYBODY!
I NOW HAD THE AMMUNITION TO GET SERIOUSLY RACIST.
HEY, SHUT UP ABOUT YOUR CATERING BUSINESS!
LET'S GO, LET'S GO, LET'S GO!
ACTUALLY, CAN YOU MAKE THAT A DIET COKE, PLEASE?
I AM WATCHING MY CALORIES,
AND I KNOW YOU'RE GONNA RUN ALONG AND TELL THAT TO DERRICK.
- DERRICK?
- I KNOW A FEW THINGS.
OH, GOOD. YES, THANK YOU.
RIGHT NEXT TO THE OTHER ONE, PLEASE.
IT WAS NECESSARY FOR MY NEW RACIST ATTITUDE
TO PERVADE MY ENTIRE LIFE,
INCLUDING AT THE WORKPLACE.
ATTENTION, EVERYONE! NEW POLICY.
THIS WILL BE STRICTLY, HARSHLY, ENFORCED.
[toilet flushes] BUT THESE NEW SYSTEMS
WERE DIFFICULT TO MAINTAIN IN THE MODERN WORLD.
I WAS, FOR INSTANCE, NOT ABLE TO EXPLAIN WHERE WHITE WOMEN
WERE SUPPOSED TO GO TO THE BATHROOM.
- [sighs]
- MY EFFORTS WERE CAUSING MORE CONFUSION THAN OPPRESSION.
- WAIT. THIS ONE IS THE COLOR COPIER?
ISN'T IT THAT ONE?
- THIS IS THE COLORED COPIER.
THAT ONE IS THE COLOR COPIER.
- SO THIS IS THE BLACK-AND-WHITE COPIER?
- THAT'S THE WHITE COPIER.
- LOOK, I JUST NEED TO MAKE A COLOR COPY.
- WELL, GO AHEAD AND DO IT.
JUST DON'T USE THE COLORED COPIER.
THE WHITE COPIER IS BETTER ANYWAY.
IT MAKES COLORED COPIES.
I DON'T KNOW WHAT I CAN POSSIBLY DO TO MAKE THIS MORE CLEAR.
- YOU COULD WRITE "PEOPLE" UNDER THEM.
- HOWEVER, A VISIT FROM OUR HEAD OF HUMAN RESOURCES
LET ME KNOW I WAS ON THE RIGHT TRACK.
HELLO.
- YOU'VE PUT THE ENTIRE COMPANY
IN AN EXTREMELY DIFFICULT SITUATION.
YOU HAVE TO STOP THIS.
- SHARON, WHAT RACE ARE YOU?
- YOU'RE NOT SUPPOSED TO ASK PEOPLE THAT.
- WELL, IF YOU DON'T TELL ME, I'LL JUST ASSUME THE WORST.
I WAS FORCED TO ATTEND A SENSITIVITY TRAINING CLASS,
WHERE I WAS SUBJECTED TO A GLORIOUS GOLD MINE
OR RACIALLY CHARGED HATE LANGUAGE.
- YES?
- HOW WOULD YOU USE [bleep] IN A SENTENCE?
- THE POINT IS, YOU'RE NOT GONNA USE IT IN A SENTENCE.
IF YOU'RE UNCERTAIN AS TO ANYTHING YOU'RE SAYING,
WHETHER IT'S GONNA BE OFFENSIVE OR NOT...
- HEY, HOW MANY [bleep] DOES IT TAKE TO SCREW IN A LIGHTBULB?
- I DON'T KNOW.
- I DON'T KNOW EITHER.
THEY'RE ALL TOO BUSY [bleep] THEIR COUSINS.
- NO ONE HERE SHOULD BE MADE TO FEEL UNCOMFORTABLE...
- [chuckles] - [whispering] THANK YOU.
- EH. - [normal voice] I'M FORREST.
I TOO AM INTOLERANT OF THOSE WHO DON'T SHARE MY RACE.
MY NEW FRIEND WAS CALLED JIM, AND HE WAS A TRUE CONNOISSEUR
OF RACE-BASED HATRED,
AS I LEARNED WHEN HE INVITED ME BACK TO HIS LAIR.
- EVER NOTICE THE LOWER THAT THEY WEAR THEIR PANTS,
THE LOWER OUR PROPERTY VALUES GO.
- HMM. - YOU GOT A PRESIDENT
THAT WANTS TO TAKE AWAY OUR GUNS?
YOU KNOW WHO ELSE WANTED TO TAKE AWAY THE GUNS?
- WHO'S THAT? - HITLER!
- YEAH. WELL, YOU LIKE HITLER.
- YEAH, YEAH, I-I LIKE THE WAY HE STARTED OUT.
- OKAY. - BUT WHEN HE STARTED WITH
THE OBAMA STUFF, THAT'S WHEN IT
ALL WENT DOWNHILL. - YEP.
- YOU'RE LIKE ME. - MM-HMM.
- WHAT DO WE HAVE IN COMMON?
WE HAVE A LOT IN COMMON, SEE? - WE ARE WHITE.
- WHY DO THEY SAY BLACK PEOPLE
ARE BETTER DANCERS THAN WHITE PEOPLE?
- I'M A GREAT DANCER!
AFTER MEETING JIM, I REALIZED I HAD TO TAKE
MY RACISM UP A NOTCH. - HOW ABOUT THAT?
[indistinct chatter] - AT LAST, I WAS PREPARED
TO INFECT EVERYONE AROUND ME WITH A VIRULENT STRAIN
OF THE SOCIAL DISEASE THAT IS RACISM.
WHY IS THERE A BLACK MAN AND HIS BABY MAMA IN MY HOME?
HMM? - SOMEBODY CALL THE COPS.
[laughter]
- WELL, NO, I DON'T THINK THAT WILL BE NECESSARY,
BUT I AM GONNA HAVE TO ASK YOU TO LEAVE.
[laughter] - YEAH, RIGHT.
- BUT BEING A CONVINCING RACIST
WAS HARDER THAN I'D EVER IMAGINED.
I'M SORRY. I'M AFRAID I'M QUITE SERIOUS, OKAY?
WE CANNOT HAVE YOU HERE MIXING WITH OUR WHITE WOMEN!
[laughter]
EXCUSE ME! THERE IS NOTHING FUNNY
ABOUT WHAT THE BLACK MAN IS DOING TO OUR COUNTRY!
I DON'T KNOW WHAT EVERYBODY IS LAUGHING ABOUT,
BUT I AM TIRED OF YOU BLACK PEOPLE BRINGING DOWN
OUR PROPERTY VALUES AND OUR SCHOOLS
AND NEVER SHUTTING UP ABOUT YOUR CATERING BUSINESS!
TO HAVE THE DESIRED EFFECT, I WOULD NEED TO CROSS
A BOUNDARY WHICH MUST NEVER BE CROSSED
AND SAY WHAT MUST NEVER BE SAID.
LAUGH IT UP, YOU [bleep]!
[woman laughing]
[woman stops laughing]
I AM A RACIST NOW. DEAL WITH IT.
- [sighs] - OKAY, SO YOU'VE BECOME
AN OVERT RACIST ALL OF A SUDDEN?
- WHAT DO YOU MEAN BY THAT? WHAT DO YOU MEAN "OVERT RACIST"?
- I MEAN, THERE'S ALWAYS BEEN SOME RACISM IN YOU,
BUT I'VE NEVER SEEN YOU PROUD OF IT.
- HOW HAS THERE BEEN RACISM IN-- WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?
- OKAY, DO YOU REMEMBER LAST YEAR,
YOU ASKED EVERYONE ON THE BLOCK BUT ME
TO KEEP YOUR KEY WHILE YOU WENT ON VACATION?
- YEAH, WELL, YOU WERE NOT HOME.
- WE--WE WERE HOME. - YOU WERE HOME?
- WE WERE HOME.
- AND YOU'VE ASKED ME THREE DIFFERENT TIMES
IF I WENT TO COLLEGE ON A BASKETBALL SCHOLARSHIP.
- YOU DID, DIDN'T YOU?
- NO. - OH, MY GOD.
- YOU DIDN'T GO TO COLLEGE ON A BASKETBALL SCHOLARSHIP?
- I'M 5'7", FORREST. - LOOK AT HIM. NO.
- AND WHEN PRESIDENT OBAMA WAS ELECTED,
YOU CONGRATULATED ME.
- WELL, YOU VOTED FOR HIM, RIGHT?
- [scoffs] - I WAS SURPRISED TO FIND THAT,
LIKE BRUCE WILLIS IN
SPOILER ALERT--
I HAD BEEN A RACIST ALL ALONG.
GENE, IT SEEMS, HAD LEARNED TO LIVE WITH THAT FACT LONG AGO,
BUT HE DID GIVE ME ONE VERY IMPORTANT PIECE OF ADVICE.
- NEVER, EVER-- AND I DO RECOMMEND THIS--
GO AROUND CALLING ANYBODY THAT.
- OH, THAT--YEAH, I'LL GET RID OF THAT ONE,
'CAUSE THAT SEEMED TO UPSET EVERYONE.
- YEAH.
- UP TILL NOW, IT'S BEEN A BLESSING TO BE IN DENIAL
ABOUT MY RACIST FEELINGS.
ACKNOWLEDGING THEM HAS MADE ME FEEL AS STUPID AND DISGUSTING
AS THAT MORON WITH THE NAZI FLAG.
BEING A RACIST-- HALF A STAR.
- UGH, FORREST. - YES?
- NO, IT SHOULD GET NO STARS.
- WELL, WE DON'T DO ZERO STARS.
- BUT IT'S RACISM.
- YES, BUT HALF A STAR IS OUR LOWEST RATING.
WE HAD A LONG MEETING ABOUT IT.
THIS IS NOT THE FIRST. - WHO KNEW? [laughs]
- I DIDN'T. - YEAH, WELL, YOU MIGHT HAVE.
- YEAH.