Alright, now when I was a kid, I loved gym class.
Because when you're in school, dealing with long division
and your stupid cursive handwriting all day
you need to have a break!
And what better break is there, than spending an hour in a gymnasium,
where some 40-year-old alcoholic teaches you how to play sports.
Because let's face it, your gym teacher didn't seem like a real teacher, with like, a..
real teaching degree or anything.
"Why does this guy smell like bourbon? Did they just pull this guy off the streets, or what?!"
"All right, welcome to gym class! I know half of you, guys, don't wanna be here, and that's fine..
I don't wanna be here either, but I'm on parole right now, and I need a job!
So here we are!"
Now, when we were kids, gym class was always a chaotic mess.
The gym teacher would just arbitrarily pick a sport for the day...
And then he'd just let us run amok!
"Uhm.. all right, we're gonna play.. I dunno, how about soccer? Have at it!"
(Clamor)
"Let's see.. you guys wanna play hockey today? Go for it!"
(Clamor)
"How about we play.. uh.. throw the dodge ball at the fat kid?"
"Wait, what?!"
(Clamor)
There would be kids getting hurt left and right.
"I hit Ricky with this hockey stick and I broke his pelvis."
"Well, what the hell would you do that for?!"
"Uhm.. because you told me that's how to play good defense?"
"Oh yeah, that's right, whooops!
Uhm, go ahead and head to the nurse office there, Ricky!
And don't you tell on me, God damn it, or I'll give you an F for the day!"
But Fridays in gym class were always different, because Fridays were cardiovascular days.
And all we would do on Fridays, is run laps around the gym.
Sometimes our teacher would bring up his big boombox and play music for motivation.
But he'd always play the same song over and over and over.
And that song was Juvenile's Back That Ass Up.
What a great song for a bunch of elementary kids!
Of course it was the shitty edited kidz bop version of it.
Back That Thang Up, which is much more appropriate.
So there we were, a bunch of scrawny-ass kids running around the gym,
Juvenile's blasting out of this boombox.
♪ Girl you look good, won't you back that thang up ♪
♪ You'se a fine motherflipper ♪ ♪ won't you back that thang up ♪
♪ Call me Big Daddy when you back that thang up ♪
♪ Girl, who is you playin' with? ♪ ♪ Back that thang up ♪
There'd be teachers poking their heads in the gym and shit
"What the hell is going on here?"
"We're backing our asses up, what does it look like?"
"Is that so? Well, I guess that's public schools for you, I guess!"
But the worst thing that we had to do in gym class, without a doubt,
was that dumbass square-dancing that they made us do.
Now, I don't know, whose brilliant idea it was, to make square-dancing part of the curriculum,
but if I had to guess, it would be the Devil himself.
"Make the children awkwardly hold hands and dance to hillbilly music, damn it!"
So every year at the end of the year, we would have to do square-dancing.
The most nerve-wracking part, of course, was when the teacher picked your partner out for you.
"Let's see.. Becky, you can be with Timmy, and Jennifer, you can be with Larry over there.
Careful, he has eczema, you might not wanna get too close to him."
Meanwhile, I'm over there in the corner, praying to the Gods above,
"Please, let me get a good partner, please, let it be Topanga from Boy Meets World!"
"Let's see.. and you over there, you can with...
Well, how about Big Bertha over there?"
"Oh, God damn it!"
(Deep male voice) "Sounds good to me, let's dance, cupcake!"
"Jesus Christ, look at her, she's got shoulders of a line backer!"
"One time my dad asked me to clean my room, and I had Big Bertha whoop his ass!"
"Oh damn it, looks like there's more boys, than there are girls in this class!
David, you're gonna have to be partnered up with Zachary over there!"
"Zachary? I'd rather stick my dick in a toaster, than be partners with Zachary!
All he does is talk about Monster Trucks all day!"
"Yeah, well, I guess it sucks to suck, doesn't it? That's not my problem!
All right, everybody line up!"
So we'd all get into formation, the teacher's out there with this big-ass boombox.
"All right, everybody ready to feel uncomfortable?"
"Uhm, no, not really!"
"Perfect, let's do it!"
(Click)
♪ Hillbilly music ♪
"Ooohhhh, I don't like this shit one bit!"
Big Bertha's over there, staring at me, licking her lips and shit.
The teacher's yelling out commands for everybody to follow.
"Grab your partner round and round, kick 'em in the ass and knock 'em down!"
(Thwack-thwack!)
"All right, promenade, God damn it, promenade!"
We're out there dancing like idiots, nobody knows that the hell they're doing.
Bertha's got me on her shoulders and shit, like she's my dad.
David's over there in his own personal hell.
"One time I've seen the Grave Digger jump over a school bus and I almost shat myself!"
(Music stops)
"God damn it, I've seen crippled kids dance better than that!
What the hell are you guys doing out there?!
You're disgracing the sport of square-dancing!"
"All right, let's change it up a little bit and take it from the top!"
(Click)
♪ Back that thang up! ♪
"Let's go, cupcake, back that ass up!"
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