- I'll be having, like, the best day ever.
I'll be laid out on a beach,
literally, pina colada in hand,
and my brain will be, like, (sighs)
"What if you died right now?
What if you died, like, later tonight, you know,
what would you do then?"
It's like, "Bitch, I'm having a good time.
Just let me live. Let me breathe for a moment."
This song was written
when I was in a really bad place in my brain.
I felt like
I didn't deserve to feel depressed
because physically I was healthy.
Um, I was safe.
My career was starting to go really great.
But, yeah,
my mind was going fucking crazy.
They've done studies with plants,
like talking to plants, and saying nice things,
and playing them beautiful music,
and the plants grow better.
You are a plant. I'm a plant.
I need to talk to myself nicely,
play myself nice music,
treat myself like a nice cheese plant.
So at the time, it was a relationship
that I wasn't letting that person actually be there for me
the way they wanted to,
or the way that they had the potential to be.
And I know no relationship is going to fix
any mental health problems that you have,
but it would be nice if I could just
open the fuck up and let someone be there for me.
And I'm working on it.
I'm in therapy.
I use a lot of self-deprecating humor to
♪ deal with my trauma. ♪
But if you are always self-deprecating with yourself,
even in a humorous way,
your brain starts to believe that shit.
Your brain's like,
"Oh, well, I guess this is the truth now.
I guess I am a stupid fucking idiot."
Because words have power,
and I feel like people don't realize that.
Yeah, you are directly feeding your spirit
when you talk to yourself like shit.
For awhile, with my mom,
I pretended to be, like, everything's great.
Like, she'll call me and I'll be, like,
"Oh, I'm fucking great.
Like, I'm having the best time."
And then a year ago,
my mom got me an ice cream sundae,
and I was eating the ice cream sundae,
and I just started sobbing,
and I'm just covered in ice cream sundae.
And I'm snotting into the ice cream sundae.
And my mom was like, "What the fuck is going on?"
I'm like, "I'm crumbling.
I'm disintegrating, my brain is fucking disintegrating.
So yeah, I definitely pretend to be okay
for people that I love,
because I don't want to put that on them.
I had finally slowed down,
and was able to actually take a vacation
for the first time in seven years.
Since I moved out on my own,
and was like, "I'm gonna do music full-time."
And as soon as it happened, I was still, for a moment,
I was like, "What the fuck? (chuckles)
I can't do this.
I can't be still.
Fuck the sun.
Fuck the beach.
Fuck this nice day.
'Cause I'm gonna ruin it for myself,
because this is what I deserve."
It's like seeing someone doing well,
and taking care of themselves.
Like, when I talk to someone and they're like,
"I'm on my plant-based diet,
and I am meditating for four hours a day,
I do yoga every single day, I'm journaling every day,
I'm doing shadow work.
When I see these people, I'm like, "Fuck you." (laughs)
Which is horrible, like, well done.
They put in that work, and it's great,
and it's hard as shit, so well done.
But it makes me feel very grumpy.
I'm like, "You think you're fucking better than me?"
Which is horrible, it's a horrible viewpoint.
But I'm trying to become,
I'm trying to become that person.
I'm a workaholic, for sure.
I don't know about work-life balance.
I don't have that.
I don't know her.
I do this all the time, I burn out,
and then I'm like, "I promise I'll be better next time."
And then I do it again.
Yeah, I don't wanna ever let it get to that point
where it explodes.
Like, (claps) I'm pure propane
on an open flame, watch me blow up.
I would prefer not to blow up.
That would be nice.
I would like to simmer.
Just a little, little pilot light.
Just simmer. (laughs)
Life is kind of a big joke, though.
We are just hurdling around the sun on a rock.
So if you really think about it,
it's kind of a huge prank really.