WOO! [ LAUGHTER ]
IN HERE, I'M THE FRONT-RUNNER. [ LAUGHTER ]
>> HE IS THE MAYOR OF SOUTH BEND, INDIANA.
IT'S PETE BUTTIGIEG. >> THANKS.
I JUST WANT TO WARN EVERYONE TONIGHT, I'M IN ATTACK MODE.
IF THAT'S OKAY WITH YOU GUYS. [ LAUGHTER ]
>> THE SENATOR FROM MINNESOTA, AMY KLOBUCHAR.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] >> THE BANG IS GLUED,
GIRLFRIEND. AND TONIGHT, MY VOICE WILL BE AS
SOLID AS MY CAREFULLY REHEARSED MIDWESTERN MOM JOKES.
[ LAUGHTER ] >> THE SENATOR FROM VERMONT,
BERNIE SANDERS. [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
>> IM, BERNIE SANDERS. I'M WHITE, CAN'T HELP IT.
LET'S MOVE ON. [ LAUGHTER ]
>> VICE PRESIDENT BIDEN. >> HEY, ALL RIGHT.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] HEY.
NOTICE ANYTHING DIFFERENT ABOUT ME?
GRANDPA JOE GOT THE GLOW UP. I WAS IRISH MAN.
YOUNGER, YEP. TALLER, UH-HUH.
BETTER, NO. [ LAUGHTER ]
>> AND BUSINESSMAN TOM ST -- WAIT.
MAYOR BLOOMBERG? >> OOPSIE.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] CLASSIC -- CLASSIC BILLIONAIRE
SWITCHAROO. [ LAUGHTER ]
>> MR. BLOOMBERG, YOU DID NOT QUALIFY FOR THIS DEBATE.
HOW DID YOU GET HERE? >> WELL, FOR $30 MILLION, PBS IS
NOW OWNED BY VIEWERS WHO ARE ME. I MEAN, LOOK, I EVEN GOT A TOTE
BAG. [ LAUGHTER ]
>> BEFORE WE BEGIN WITH QUESTIONS, DOES ANYONE WANT TO
PROVE THEY'RE PRESIDENTIAL BY STARTING A PISSY LITTLE FIGHT?
>> CAN I, CAN I, CAN I, CAN I, CAN I?
[ LAUGHTER ] JUDY, I JUST WANT TO POINT OUT
TO EVERYONE THAT MAYOR PETE HELD A BILLIONAIRE FUNDRAISER IN A
WINE CAVE WITH CRYSTALS, DRIPPING CANDELABRAS,
BASICALLY "EYES WIDE SHUT" MINUS ANY SEX APPEAL, WHATSOEVER.
[ LAUGHTER ] NOW, LOOK, I'VE NEVER EVEN BEEN
TO A WINE CAVE. I HAVEN'T EVEN BEEN TO FILENE'S
BASEMENT. TOO MUCH SHIMMER AND SHINE.
[ LAUGHTER ] >> LISTEN, I WOULD JUST LIKE TO
POINT OUT I'M THE ONLY PERSON ON THE STAGE WHO'S NOT A
MILLIONAIRE. I LIVE ON MY MAYOR'S SALARY PLUS
$20 A WEEK ALLOWANCE FROM MY PARENTS --
[ LAUGHTER ] IF I FINISH MY CHORES.
[ LAUGHTER ] >> SENATOR KLOBUCHAR, YOU'RE
LOOKING ASSERTIVE TODAY. IS THERE SOMETHING YOU WOULD
LIKE TO ADD? >> YES.
THE ONLY CAVE I EVER GO TO IS A MAN CAVE.
I CALL IT THE SENATE. [ LAUGHTER ]
FOR MORE OF THESE CLASSIC ZINGERS, PLEASE CHECK OUT MY
STAND-UP SPECIAL. "LAND OF 10,000 LAUGHS."
[ LAUGHTER ] ONLY STREAMING COSTCO+ STREAMING
SERVICE. [ LAUGHTER ]
>> HEY, HEY, QUIT PICKING ON LITTLE BO PETE OVER HERE.
THE LITTLE GUY IS TRYING HIS BEST.
NOW SPEAKING -- SPEAKING OF, HAVE YOU NOTICED THAT I'M ALMOST
PLAYING WITH A FULL DECK OF CARDS TONIGHT, HUH?
[ LAUGHTER ] THE YEAR WAS 19 WHOOPS-A-DAISY,
AND MY WHITE ASS IS STRUTTING DOWN THE MEAN STREETS OF
WILMINGTON WHEN I COME ACROSS A GROUP OF FELLAS SINGING SOME
DOO-WOP TUNES AROUND A FLAMING TRASH CAN.
NOW, LOOK, I KNOW I NEED TO BE RACIALLY SENSITIVE HERE, BUT
IT'S IMPORTANT THAT YOU KNOW HIS NAME WAS OL' BLACK CHARLIE.
[ LAUGHTER ] >> SEE, THIS IS EXACTLY WHY WE
NEED TO HAVE MORE PEOPLE OF DIVERSITY ON THE STAGE.
>> OH, I COULD NOT AGREE MORE. [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
>> SENATOR HARRIS, WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?
YOU DROPPED OUT, REMEMBER? >> OH, IS THIS A DEBATE?
I HAD NO IDEA. I WAS JUST IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD.
[ LAUGHTER ] BUT WHILE I'M HERE, I JUST WANT
TO SHOW YOU HOW GOOD YOU COULD HAVE HAD IT, AMERICA.
[ LAUGHTER ] YOU WITHHELD YOUR DONATIONS, AND
I GOT TIRED OF WAITING, SO I WALKED MY FINE ASS OUT THE DOOR.
[ LAUGHTER ] YOU COULD HAVE HAD A BAD BITCH.
[ LAUGHTER ] [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
MR. SANDERS, WOULD YOU CARE TO COMMENT ON THE DECLINING
DIVERSITY IN THE DEBATE FIELD? I KNOW YOU JUST WANT TO TALK
ABOUT CLIMATE CHANGE. >> OF COURSE I DO.
LOOK AT ME. ARE YOU REALLY SURPRISED THAT MY
MAIN CONCERN IS THE TEMPERATURE? [ LAUGHTER ]
AT MY HOUSE, I HAVE A SHARPIE ON THE THERMOSTAT SO I KNOW IF YOU
MOVE IT. [ LAUGHTER ]
AND LET ME TELL YOU, NO MATTER HOW HOT THE EARTH GETS, I WILL
NOT WEAR SHORTS. [ LAUGHTER ]
I SWIM IN CORDUROY. [ LAUGHTER ]
GOOGLE "BERNIE SANDERS' LEGS." NO RESULTS.
LET'S KEEP IT THAT WAY. [ LAUGHTER ]
>> OKAY, I THINK WE SHOULD MOVE ON.
SENATOR KLOBUCHAR, DO YOU BELIEVE THE NEXT PRESIDENT HAS A
DUTY TO FIGHT CORRUPTION? >> YES.
WHEN OUR NEXT PRESIDENT IS INAUGURATED, I THINK SHE WILL
PULL UP HER SKIRT AND GET HER TINY HANDS DIRTY TO MAKE SHE-URE
THAT PEOPLE ARE HEARD. [ LAUGHTER ]
>> THAT'S RIGHT. SHE ME WILL.
>> I DON'T KNOW WHAT THE HECK'S GOING ON, BUT I JUST WANNA SAY I
LOVE THE LADIES. OKAY?
[ LAUGHTER ] I DO.
EVEN THESE TOUGH BROADS. I HAVE THE UTMOST RESPECT FOR
ALL LIZZY WOO AND SENATOR KAMBUCHO OVER THERE.
[ LAUGHTER ] >> WHY YOU HERE?
>> DEMOCRATS, I'LL GET YOU, MY PARTY, AND YOUR LITTLE MAYOR,
TOO. >> SPEAKING OF DRAMA, PRESIDENT
TRUMP WAS IMPEACHED THIS WEEK. ASSUMING HE IS STILL CANDIDATE,
CAN YOU BEAT HIM IN 2020? >> PROBABLY NOT.
I'M JUST DOING THIS TO GET MY STEPS IN.
>> SENATOR SANDERS, SAME QUESTION.
>> LOOK, TRUMP IS THE MOST CORRUPT PRESIDENT IN OUR HISTORY
AND HE'S NOT THE ONLY ONE LYING TO THE AMERICAN PUBLIC.
AMAZON LIES. APPLE LIES.
EVEN MY iPHONE LIES. EVERY TIME IT SAYS IT'S AT 1%
BATTERY, IT STAYS ON FOR AT LEAST 20 MINUTES.
[ LAUGHTER ] BUT THEN OTHER TIMES, IT IS
AT 7%, SHUTS DOWN IMMEDIATELY. [ LAUGHTER ]
GO FIGURE! APPLE, WHAT ARE YOU TRYING TO
HIDE? AND WHAT IS MY PASSWORD?
[ LAUGHTER ] >> LOOK.
>> LOOK. I'LL STILL BEAT TRUMP.
WHEN HE GETS TO THE SENATE JUDICIARY COMMITTEE, HE'S GOING
TO WISH HE NEVER HEARD MY NAME. ♪♪♪
♪ IT'S PRONOUNCED KAMALA IT'S LIKE PAMALA
IT AIN'T CAMILLA CABELLO IT'LL BE JUST KAMALA ♪
♪ AND THEN NEXT TIME A-LA DON'T WANT NO DRAMA-LA ♪
♪ -- [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
[ LAUGHTER ] >> WELL, CANDIDATES, YOU'VE ALL
SPENT THE LAST TWO YEARS TALKING SMACK ABOUT PRESIDENT TRUMP.
BUT WHAT IF I TOLD YOU -- [ DINGING ]
HE'S BEEN BACKSTAGE THE WHOLE TIME AND HE'S HEARD EVERYTHING
YOU SAID. [ LAUGHTER ]
COME ON OUT, MR. PRESIDENT! [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
>> I'M UNIMPEACHABLE. YOU'RE JUST JEALOUS.
OKAY? >> WELCOME TO THE DEBATE STAGE.
>> HEY, LOSERS. IMPEACH ME OUTSIDE.
HOW ABOUT THAT, OKAY? [ LAUGHTER ]
>> THIS IS RIDICULOUS. WHY IS HE HERE?
>> SO PEOPLE WILL ACTUALLY WATCH THIS LITTLE FREAK SHOW.
THIS IS THE BEST THE DEMS COSMETIC COME UP WITH?
POCAHONTAS? SLEEPY JOE?
I'M JUST GONNA RIFF ON SOME NEW ONES.
MAYOR BUTT. [ LAUGHTER ]
[ APPLAUSE ] KLOBUCHAR.
THAT'S GOOD, THAT'S GOOD. SCROOGE McDUCK, BEN AND JERRY'S,
THERE ARE NO RULES NOW THAT I'M IMPEACHED.
YOU SAW DELIRIOUS. NOW YOU'RE GOING TO GET
DONALD TRUMP RAW, BABY. [ LAUGHTER ]
BUT ALSO, STILL A LITTLE DELIRIOUS BECAUSE I CAN'T HELP
THAT. [ LAUGHTER ]
>> OKAY, LISTEN UP, BUCKO. I CHALLENGE TO YOU A PUSH-UP
CONTEST. ME, YOU, SHIRTS OFF, NIPS OUT,
FIRST GUY TO DO ONE WINS. [ LAUGHTER ]
>> GO AHEAD. I'M NOT AFRAID OF ANYTHING.
>> ARE YOU SURE YOU'RE NOT AFRAID OF ANYTHING?
>> AH, KRAMPUS! [ LAUGHTER ]
OH, WAIT, IT'S NANCY PELOSI. [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
DID YOU READ THE LETTER I SENT YOU?
>> OH, THE ONE THAT WAS SIX PAGES, SINGLE SPACED LIKE A
SERIAL KILLER? [ LIGHT LAUGHTER ]
NO. I DIDN'T READ IT.
I'M SORRY. BUT I BROUGHT YOU A GIFT,
MR. PRESIDENT. I HAVE TWO ARTICLES OF
IMPEACHMENT. [ LAUGHTER ]
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] >> OKAY.
GIVE IT TO MITCH IN THE SENATE, AND EVERYTHING IS GRAVY, BABY.
>> OKAY, BUT HERE'S THE THING. YOU KNOW HOW SOMETIMES YOU GET A
GIFT AND YOU LIKE IT SO MUCH THAT YOU KEEP IT?
>> YOU CAN'T DO THAT. >> WELL WATCH ME.
GOOD LUCK AT THE STATE OF THE UNION.
[ LAUGHTER ] [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
>> All: LIVE FROM NEW YORK IT'S SATURDAY NIGHT!