A LOT OF PEOPLE SAY TO ME, THEY SAY, "STEVE."
I SAY, "STEPHEN, BUT THANK YOU."
THEY SAY, "STEPHEN, HOW DO YOU DO YOUR SHOW.
EVERY DAY, ONE HOUR A DAY?
( LAUGHTER ) THE GRIND MUST BE INHUMAN."
I ALWAYS SAY THANK YOU FOR NOTICING BUT ACTUALLY DOING
THE SHOW IS PRETTY EASY."
BECAUSE I WORK FOR CBS.
WHICH MEANS I HAVE ACCESS TO AN ARCHIVE OF CBS ENTERTAINMENT
GOING BACK ALMOST 80 YEARS, TV, TO RADIO, TO WHERE CBS GOT
ITS START, NAUGHTY LIMERICKS BY TELEGRAM.
LITTLE-KNOWN SECRET, EDWARD R.
MURROW WAS THE ORIGINAL MAN FROM NANTUCKET.
AND WHENEVER WE WANT, WE CAN JUST DIP INTO THAT ARCHIVE FOR
SOME FREE CONTENT.
IT'S TIME FOR OUR VERY FIRST TRIP INTO THE CBS VAULT.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) LIKE MANY PEOPLE MY AGE-- WE'VE
NEVER DONE IT BEFORE, AND PEOPLE ARE ALREADY HUGE FANS OF THE CBS
VAULT.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) EVERYBODY IS TALKING ABOUT IT.
IT'S BLOWING UP.
CBS VAULT IS BLOWING UP.
YOU KNOW, FOLKS, LIKE MANY PEOPLE MY AGE, I GREW
UP WATCHING "THE TWILIGHT ZONE," HOSTED BY THE GREAT ROD SERLING,
THE SHOW THAT INTRODUCED A WHOLE GENERATION TO SCIENCE FICTION,
AND CHAIN SMOKING.
YOU COULD ALWAYS COUNT ON "THE TWILIGHT ZONE" FOR SURPRISING
TWIST ENDINGS THAT YOU NEVER SAW COMING, LIKE THE EPISODE
WHERE A WOMAN UNDERGOES RADICAL PLASTIC SURGERY IN AN ATTEMPT TO
LOOK NORMAL, AND THEN THE AUDIENCE DISCOVERS THAT IN HER
SOCIETY, NORMAL IS A RACE OF PIG-FACED CREATURES.
IT REALLY-- IT REALLY MAKES YOU THINK ABOUT WHAT THOSE PEOPLE
WOULD TASTE LIKE.
( LAUGHTER ) AND BECAUSE IT WAS A CBS SHOW, I
HAVE ACCESS TO THE ENTIRE "TWILIGHT ZONE" CATEGORY,
INCLUDING UNRELEASED EPISODES WE'VE NEVER SEEN.
AS MUCH AS I'D LOVE TO SHOW THEM IN THEIR ENTIRETY, IT'S NOT THE
1960s ANYMORE.
AND EVERYONE HAS SHORTER ATTENTION SPANS.
DO YOU EVEN REMEMBER WHAT SHOW I'M TALKING ABOUT?
PLEASE, JUST PUT DOWN YOUR PHONE FOR JUST A SECOND.
PLUS THE TWIST ENDINGS ARE REALLY THE BEST PART.
THEY'RE LIKE THE CREAM FILLING, WHICH LATER TURNS OUT TO BE
MAN.
( LAUGHTER ) AND SO TONIGHT, WE BRING YOU
JUST THE BEST PARTS AS WE OPEN THE CBS VAULT.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
SUBMITTED FOR YOUR APPROVAL, TALES OF EXPECTATIONS SHATTERED,
ASSUMPTIONS OBLITERATED, PRECONCEIVED NOTIONS STUFFED
INTO A BAG OF DOUBTS AND TOSSED IN A LAKE OF HUNCHES, ALL
WITHOUT THE BORING 30-MINUTE SET-UPS.
FIRST ON TONIGHT'S MANIFEST OF THE UNKNOWN, EVEN IN OUR MODERN
AGE, A DOG CAN BE MAN'S BEST FRIEND.
BUT WHAT HAPPENS WHEN THE U.R.L.
FOR pets.com IS REDIRECTED TO "THE TWILIGHT ZONE"?
>> NO!
NO!
AAAHH.
>> WAKE UP!
WAKE UP, FATHER!
>> OH!
OF OH, THANK GOD!
IT WAS JUST A DREAM.
I DIDN'T ACTUALLY GO BACK IN TIME AND SAVE OUR BELOVED DOG
MUFFINS FROM BEING HIT BY A CAR.
>> BUT, OF COURSE, YOU DID, FATHER.
AND NOW MUFFINS IS OUR LEADER.
HAIL MUFFIN.
>> NO!
NO!
BAD DOG!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: THAT ( BLEEP ) IS
MESSED UP.
( LAUGHTER ) A PARKING TICKET SUBMITTED FOR
YOUR VALIDATION.
A WOMAN ALONE AT THE END OF THE WORLD.
THE ONLY PERSON LEFT ALIVE.
IT'S NOT IMPORTANT WHY.
WHAT'S IMPORTANT IS SHE LOVES SOUP.
HER FAVORITE FLAVOR: CREAM OF "TWILIGHT ZONE."
>> EVERYONE ELSE IN THE WORLD IS DEAD.
AT LAST I HAVE ALL OF EARTH'S CANNED SOUP TO MYSELF.
CAN'T WAIT TO EAT ALL OF IT AT A LEISURELY PACE.
ALL I NEED IS MY CAN OPENER.
YES!
THERE IT IS!
NOW, JUST TO VERIFY THAT IT WORKS.
PERFECTLY FUNCTIONAL CAN OPENER.
AND NOW, TO EEPT THE SOUP WITH MY TRUSTY...
FORK?
BUT-- FORK.
THEY'RE ALL FORKS.
NO!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: SHE'S GOING TO
TOTALLY KILL HERSELF.
WITH A FORK.
E-MAILED IN A DRUNKEN RAGE WITHOUT PROOFREADING:
A VENTRILOQUIST AND HIS PARTNER ABOUT TO MAKE THEIR BIG
DEBUT.
PRICE OF ADMISSION?
$1.90, "TWILIGHT ZONE."
>> YOU GOTTA BELIEVE ME, OFFICER.
SURE, I KILLED THE NIGHTCLUB OWNER.
BUT I DIDN'T WANT TO.
IT WAS KNUCKLES.
HE MADE ME DO IT.
GO ON, KNUCKLES.
TELL THE NICE MAN THAT YOU'RE THE REAL BRAINS BEHIND THE
OPERATION.
COME OBUCKLES.
TELL HIM.
>> HOLD ON.
THERE'S NO PULSE.
YOU'VE KILLED HIM.
YOU'RE UNDER ARREST FOR THE MURDER OF THE NIGHTCLUB OWNER,
AND KNUCKLES THE DUMMY.
>> OH!
OH, NO!
I DIDN'T DO IT!
NO, NO, NO!
BELIEVE ME.
IT WAS ALL KNUCKLES.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: THAT'S A TRUE STORY.
THAT HAPPENED TO A FRIEND OF MINE.
HE KNEW THE DUMMY'S COUSIN.
SO ENDS ANOTHER ROLLER-COASTER RIDE THROUGH THE LONG DROP OF
MADNESS AND ROUND THE LOOP-DE-LOOP OF THE
INEXPLICABLE, ONLY TO DISCOVER YOU SPENT $200 ON A FAST PASS
BUT WERE TOO SHORT TO RIDE.
SO YOU HEAD OUT TO YOUR CAR, WHICH YOU CAN'T FIND, EVEN
THOUGH YOU'RE PRETTY SURE YOU PARKED ON LEVEL "B," PARKING
SPACE "THE TWILIGHT ZONE."