Geoffrey here. So you think your wife hates you in this video.
I'm going to show you the core reasons why she might be showing all that anger
or that distance or that coldness towards you. And also,
I'm going to show you the few things you can do to respond in a way that will
reinstill or reestablish this love and trust back again into that relationship.
And I really want you to stick around until the end of the video,
because I'm going to show you things that go way beyond what other coaches and
while their videos are talking about regarding this issue.
And I really want you to have this level of clarity that all my students have as
well about this issue.
And for you to understand the powerful things you can do to actually respond to
this scenario.
[Inaudible].
Now in case we haven't met,
my name is Jeffery and I help men and longterm relationships and marriages with
the right skills and with the right knowledge,
to be able to design a thriving relationship.
So if you want more content on this,
then I want you to subscribe to this channel and click the bell button as well,
to be notified when I post new videos three times every single week. Now,
real quick, before we begin this video,
I want to let you know that a few spots have opened up for the free master class
on the five proven steps to rebuilding your relationship from the ground up.
So if you are interested in joining that masterclass,
then be sure to stick around until the end of this video for the announcement on
that. So the first few points I'm going to make here all have to do with simply
reframing or allowing you to reframe the situation in your mind.
And the first way I want you to reframe this is to see this not as a character
problem, but more of a situational problem. You know,
the biggest thing that keeps people stuck in this problem is that they choose to
interpret this as it's their partner's choice to simply blame them.
And basically that anything they do is wrong, that you know,
the guy and the husband is always the wrong one. The wife is always right,
kind of mentality. Well, if you watch my videos a lot,
you'll know that assigning something to a character problem is really the worst
thing you can do. When you're trying to rebuild a relationship for one,
I'll make you very emotional because changing character someone's character is
really difficult. And when you assign something to a character problem,
you're instantly assigning it to something of an abuse of them choosing
to do bad things to you out of bad intention.
And when you interpret things that way, it will make you emotional.
It will make you feel hopeless as well, because again,
character is really difficult to change. And as you feel hopeless,
and as you feel emotional here,
you often do a lot of things that are defensive in return,
which actually worsens the problem over time. And finally,
it doesn't really give you any solutions that is within your control.
That is easy to do at the same time.
Like if the problem is with really what's your partner's character,
then the next things to do, the only solutions can only lie with your partner.
It can never be what you can do.
Like whatever solutions you can think of are really within your parents'
control. Now it's never going to be in your control anymore.
And this again makes you feel more emotional.
It makes you feel more hopeless and makes you do more defensive things and
worsening the cycle over and over again.
So instead of seeing this as a character issue,
choose to see this as an environment issue that there some environmental factor,
perhaps the lack of safety that causes your partner to act out of this anger,
the coldness or the distance. And once you fix the environmental issue here,
then all that partner's anger and the reasons why you think your partner hates
you so much will start to go away at the same time. And later on in the video,
I'll show you some alternative reasons that you might not have thought about.
That explains why your partner may be displaying all this behaviors to you
besides just assigning it to a character issue.
And the funny thing is that as soon as you shift your perspective to assigning
this to an environment issue, rather than a character issue,
it makes it easier for your state poised.
It gives you a lot more hope and also it gets you to be more hopeful in seeking
healthy responses and healthy solutions that is all within your control here.
Because again, you know, while changing characters,
difficult changing environments is something that is within our control and
something that we can do pretty quickly as well.
And the second point I wanted to make here is the importance of being
untethered. You know, so most people, I think in their relationship,
they think they're independent,
but they're really in a very dependent state in the relationship.
And that is when their mood state of mind is really tethered to what their
partner feels. So if their partner feels angry, for example,
then they cannot help, but feel angry as well. If their partner shuts down,
they also shut down. If their partner feels hopeless, they also feel hopeless.
So it's almost as if there's this tethering between the two of you where if your
partner feels angry and she goes down, you go down along with her.
And we talked about this a little bit in the previous video where we talked
about this is how you lose your power and the relationship,
because here you're letting your partner control you.
Instead of you being untethered to your partner,
that despite your partner's mood swings here,
you're still going to be rock solid. And for a lot of people, you know,
they go from the state of dependence to complete independence where they're not
tethered here, they'll go the other extreme,
where they act completely indifferent to their partner,
pretending like don't even care and that upon our leave, their stays.
And if you do this, this will worsen the problem again,
because you're just going to show that you don't care and often makes the
problem worse.
So are there extremes of being dependent and being tethered here is that it
doesn't work because if your mood changes with your partner,
then there's no way you can change or break that feedback loop.
If you show that you don't care and be totally indifferent,
it'll probably make her anger and her hate towards you a lot worse as well.
So we talked about the importance of being interdependent here,
which is the middle of the two, where you are together,
but as two separate people where you're untethered and free to make a determine
your own emotions and your own mood about a certain situation,
but using your positivity and the nature of your untetheredness to be able
to create a win win for you and your partner as well,
because you both are going the same direction out to Raul.
And the last point I want you to make here about reframing your mind here is
understanding your power and changing emotion.
So understand here that you alone have the power to break a cycle or to
perpetuate a cycle. And whether you know it or not,
you're already doing this subconsciously.
So let's say if your partner is angry and you choose to respond by being angry
there,
you're choosing to perpetuate that negative cycle and making things worse for
you.
But if you're untethered yourself and so your partner is angry and you choose to
not be angry, stay poised and respond in the correct way.
Then you're choosing to break that cycle.
So you're either perpetuating a cycle or breaking a cycle,
regardless of whether you're consciously making this choice or not.
So understand that how you respond here has a big impact on the overall
relationship and you alone have a lot of power to determining what the
relationship looks like. So with those reframing of the mind done,
I want to take the next step to simplify the reasons why your partner may be
showing all this anger towards you.
So if you watch a lot of other videos on this,
they will basically make you more confused because they're going to list every
reason and their son. It could be that she's not feeling heard. For example,
it could be that you've been doing some controlling things.
It could be that you've done something to destroy that trust. Basically,
you could do anything under the sun, that's bad,
and that's causing her to feel that way.
But assigning the problem to a hundred or even a thousand different things,
doesn't really help you.
So I'm going to try to simplify this for you to four core reasons why she's
feeling the way she's feeling. The four core reasons are the lack of trust.
This is when your partner no longer can trust that.
If she expresses anything to you, to talk nicely with you,
that anything will change. Anyway,
she's tried talking to you and you made a bunch of promises in the past,
but nothing really has changed.
The second reason is a lack of safety where she's trying to expressing something
to you in the past. But every time she does,
she ends up regretting it either because you get angry, you try to justify it.
You try to tell her how wrong she is. And so on the lack of abilities,
that third one where the problem may be so complex.
So convoluted that she doesn't really know how to express it anymore.
It's not just one thing. It's a multilayer thing now,
or it could be the lack of space where she feels cornered.
She feels like you've been pressuring her too much into expressing something and
to doing something that she just wants you to back off.
And if you understand the four core reasons here,
I understand why your partner's resorting to playing out all this anger
or this distance and coldness.
So think about the catch 22 that they're in right now, the lose,
lose situation they're in right now.
So if they're feeling this lack of trust and lack of safety,
then they will lose if they share,
because if they share what you will do is you will make some promises or you'll
tell her she's wrong, or you get angry. So they lose it. They share,
but if they don't want to share,
then they also lose because they have to pent up all this stuff.
And the real problem here is not getting addressed.
Or if it's a lack of ability problem, then they're either not able to share.
And if they don't share, then they have this problem of, again,
the problem not getting addressed.
And they put themselves in a loser situation again.
And if they have the lack of space here, they will lose.
If they ask you to stop bugging them, to stop pressuring them.
Because when they do tell you to start pressuring them,
you will probably do the controlling things that cause them to feel this lack of
space in the first place. And if it don't tell you to stop,
then you will keep pestering them. You will keep pressuring them,
putting them in a very difficult position.
So imagine if you felt any of these things here,
imagine how hopeless you would feel and how much of a catch 22 urine.
And imagine how, you know, at this point, really,
the only thing you can do at this point is to be angry,
to be cold and to be distant yourself,
because you've tried to deal with this in a very civilized way,
but whatever you try, you're being punished for it.
You're putting in a very difficult lose, lose scenario.
The important thing here is that once you understand this for root reasons,
not only do you understand why she's acting the way she's acting,
but also the responses now becomes a lot more clear.
So if it's a lack of trust or safety issue that she's so angry, and so,
you know, cold and distant towards you,
then your objective here becomes a lot more clear,
which is to simply start building that safety.
And we've talked a lot about this in the previous videos, but here,
you're not trying to show her the product of what a perfect man you are,
what a high value man you are.
You're simply trying to show her the process of how you have conversations of
how you find win-win solutions so that you can feel that trust and safety
towards do it. And if you don't know what I'm talking about here,
I'm gonna put a link at the end of this video, to my other video,
where I talk about what it actually means to rebuild that trust and safety and
relationship and what it means to build that trust on a level of the process,
not the product. And if it's the lack of ability issue here,
this is the problem. Do your actions also become a lot more clear,
which is that you got to stop pestering or lecturing your partner for not
sharing with you. For example, for being angry with you, for example,
because if you simply just pester or pressure or lecture your partner
from, you know, to say, Hey, you gotta stop being so angry. Hey,
you got to open up to me a bit more. You got to communicate with me here.
The more you're adding more complexity to that situation,
the more you're showing her that you really don't understand the situation as,
as much as you should. And so, instead of doing that,
simply acknowledge the complexity of the situation. Just tell her for example,
okay, honey, I understand this problem is really complex. I get it.
And let her take her time and start anywhere. So you might say, for example,
like I know it's very complex and I know there's multiple layers to this.
It might be hard for you to express something to me,
but I want you to know that you can really start anywhere.
It doesn't have to be coherent. It doesn't have to be,
it doesn't have to make sense, really, whatever you said.
I just want to discover and hear from your perspective.
And if it's the lack of space here,
then simply back off and retreat and the way you would treat this by simply
acknowledging her resistance, keep your poise and leave the door open.
So you might say, for example, look, I get it.
Like you don't want to talk about this right now,
or you can't talk about this right now, or this problem is too complex,
or you may not have enough safety or trust to be able to express something to
me. I get it. Um, I'm trying to work on it in the meantime.
I just want you to know the door's always open.
You can always talk to me about anything anytime you want and just retreat that
way, plant the right seeds. And remember that it's okay.
If you don't solve the problems in this one conversation,
it's okay that you're not able to build that trust, build that safety,
um, get your partner to express themselves in this one conversation.
Because again, what we're trying to do here is farm. Not hunt.
We're not looking for the short term fix.
We're not looking to fix the promise today,
but we're simply interested in planting the right seeds of trust and safety to
her so that the trust and safety can slowly grow. And when that grows,
you'll find that your partner will be more and more and more open to you over
time. And this is a matter of weeks or months, not a matter of days here.
So understand here that when you put yourself in this position of understanding
the four core reasons and understanding how to tailor your response,
depending on the four core reasons and understanding how to respond to it,
but also how to retreat from that conversation. Whenever you can't,
let's say a breakthrough, the conversation right here and there,
then you'll begin to see how this puts you in a no lose situation here.
That the worst that can happen is that if you don't open her up today,
the worst that can happen as you back off and you simply plant the right seeds
by retreating in a proper way, that's the worst that can happen.
It can never lead to an argument. It can never escalate into any arguments.
That's the worst that can happen is you simply retreat and plant the right
seeds. And as you plant the right seeds here,
even though you're not getting the results today,
imagine what would happen if you keep doing this day in and day out,
week after week, month after month,
if you keep telling your partner that you can stay poised,
no matter what happens, you can acknowledge her feelings.
And that she's really free to talk to you.
Anytime you want over weeks or months,
that seeds of safety eventually going to grow over time.
And when your partner finally expresses herself,
that's how you lower all that anger,
how you lower all the anger and remove her from that difficult lose,
lose situation that she's in. Because now she has the safety, the trust,
and the ability to be able to express what she truly feels and begin that
healing process, because she knows that when she does express it,
it's going to be taken well.
And it's going to lead to some win-win solutions there. No, of course,
there's so much more to understanding the nuances of how you conduct this
conversation and a deeper way of understanding when and how to advance the
conversation,
to get her to open up a bit more and how to retreat from the conversation and
plan the right season at the same time and how you can heal those emotions over
time in your relationship as your partner opens up.
There's so much more nuances to this that I cannot address in just one YouTube
video. So if you want more information on this,
then I want you to join me in my free master class on the five proven steps to
rebuilding your relationship from the ground. Up in this masterclass,
I'll show you the exact process that I will show all my students that takes them
from a brink of a divorce. The point where their wife hates them,
doesn't want anything to do with the relationship, wants a divorce separation,
whatever it is to a place where the relationship can honestly thrive and thrive
for the long haul. So if you're interested in joining that masterclass,
then click the link above my head.
Also click the link in the comments below and as Christian box below this video
as well.
And if you're looking for a free guide that can help you guide conversations
better in a way that never leads to arguments and in a way that always plants
the seeds of safety here, as you go along,
then you also want to download the free guide I have for you above my head,
or also down below this video as well.
And if you're looking for a community of people where you can get support from,
or get some clarity from about your questions or the issues in your
relationship, then you also want to join me in my free Facebook group,
where you can do exactly that. And if you want to join that Facebook group,
the link is also down below this video. Now, in the meantime,
I would love to hear from you here.
So leave a comment below and what you thought was most valuable or most
insightful from this video. And I'd love to hear from you.
And if you found this video valuable, then give it a like,
and subscribe to this channel for more content like this one in the meantime,
I'll leave you with this two other videos that will allow you to equip you with
the right skills and knowledge,
to be able to design a thriving relationship for yourself. In the meantime,
I will see you in the next video.