-Thank you very much and welcome to
"The Tonight Show," everybody.
[ Cheers and applause ]
Well, guys, today is February 2nd,
which, of course, means it is Groundhog Day.
Yep, first thing this morning, Punxsutawney Phil
made his annual prediction on when winter will end.
Here it is.
-Hear ye, hear ye, hear ye!
There's a perfect shadow cast of me.
Six more weeks of winter there will be.
[ Cheers and applause ]
-Yeah.
And then he said, "Mask upon my face is not seen,
so two more weeks of quarantine."
I'm just glad we are still holding up wild rodents.
Clearly, we've learned a lot about
public health from the pandemic.
But it seems Punxsutawney Phil has been spending lockdown
like the rest of us, because he came out in stretchy pants,
eating a tube of cookie dough.
I thought that was...
I'm all for this non-political news,
but this whole thing is getting a little silly, isn't it?
I mean, top hats and scrolls and wall-to-wall coverage?
It's a groundhog.
It's not a royal wedding.
I mean, Biden's inauguration didn't get this much attention.
Hear ye, hear ye!
Everyone's talking about six more weeks of winter,
but there was a strange moment
when they first greeted Punxsutawney Phil.
Now, this is real. See if you think this is odd.
I don't know. Listen to this.
-Oh!
[ Laughter ]
-Ahh!
Yeah, I think I have a prediction.
A restraining order is about to filed by a groundhog.
That guy cracked on Day 3 of the pandemic
and hasn't cracked back.
"You look beautiful today.
You're the special one. You're my special one.
You would never block me on Instagram, would you?"
Well, guys, it must be Groundhog Day,
because we're living through Trump's impeachment again.
That's right.
Today, House Democrats filed a brief that says
Trump's singularly responsible for the Capitol riots.
When the news broke, Trump was furious,
while Rudy was heartbroken.
"Singularly responsible?
What am I? Chopped cigars?"
After that, Trump's legal team filed their own brief
that claims that he isn't responsible.
It wasn't that hard to write.
His lawyers just copied and pasted his defense
from the last impeachment.
"Control-F 'Ukraine,' replace with 'riot.'
And send."
But get this -- there was actually a typo
on the first page of the Trump brief.
But I'm sure it was a long, complicated legal term.
Nope.
It's just the name of our country.
That's it. No big deal.
Yeah, Trump was like, "Totally unfair.
The Microsoft paperclip is Antifa."
Well, here's some good news.
Today, the Biden administration made a big announcement
regarding vaccine distribution.
Listen to this.
-Starting on February 11th, the federal government
will deliver vaccines directly to select pharmacies
across the country.
-Hmm. After Trump, Biden looks like a genius
for just being like, "I got an idea.
How about all the places that give flu shots --
they should give vaccine shots."
Oh, thanks, professor! Wow! Amazing!
Yeah, it sounds like a smart idea.
Although, CVS already shelved the vaccine
to make room for its Halloween decorations.
Some big business news today.
Jeff Bezos announced that he is stepping down
as C.E.O. of Amazon.
Right now, his assistant is shipping his office stuff home
in 47 different boxes.
Yeah, Bezos knew it was time to go when an Amazon drone
showed up at his door and said, "I'm your boss now."
Some more business news.
I saw that after Subway was sued for allegedly using fake tuna,
they decided to respond in an interesting way.
Listen to this.
-Subway is offering a 15% discount
on any tuna foot-long in the app or online
with promo code "ITSREAL."
[ Laughter ]
-Unfortunately, the promo code they meant to use was "ITSSEAL."
[ Cymbal crash ] I think that is awful.
I think that...
Yeah, this promo thing is not working.
And they also have a discount on turkey subs
with the code "DIDNT-DROP-THIS."
I mean, why?
Why bring it up? Why...
Some entertainment news.
I read that Netflix is already making a movie about
the drama surrounding GameStop's stock.
Meanwhile, when the news broke, Hulu panicked and green-lit
a movie about the tuna at Subway.
Well, guys, there was a new episode of
"Below Deck" last night, and things are really heating up.
The emotions on that show can be a little hard to handle.
So to help, here's a scene from "Below Deck"
revoiced with the least-emotional person we know,
Siri.
It's time our latest installment of "Let's Get Siri-ous."
♪♪ [ Cheers and applause ]
-Is it a "yes" or "no" you slept in the guest cabin?
-We were in the cabin.
-Did you sleep in the cabin?
-I wouldn't say it was like...
-"Yes" or "no"?
-Yes, I was sitting on the bed.
-Take accountability for what you did.
-I will ask you next time. I'm sorry.
-There is not going to be a next time.
I do want to keep things professional.
You're not being professional.
I've had enough of you.
-Wow. Unbelievable. That drama -- wow.
-Yeah.
-Well, some sports news.
The Super Bowl is just a few days away,
and during an interview yesterday,
Tom Brady was asked about his plans for the future.
Listen to what he said.
-Would you consider playing beyond 45,
especially with the way you're playing right now?
-Yeah, definitely.
I would definitely consider that.
-Yeah, you can tell the team wants him to keep playing.
Today, Brady's coach woke him up by whispering,
"You look beautiful today."
[ Laughter ]
And, finally, I read about four travelers at an airport
in China who ate 66 pounds of oranges
to avoid paying a $46 luggage fee.
On the bright side,
with a little turbulence and a lot of vodka,
they were able to make the most amazing screwdrivers.
Hey, guys, the Super Bowl is coming up,
and so this is big news here at the show.
This year, I challenged Tariq to a contest --
who can make the best dip?
So, this Thursday will be the first annual --
Do we have to put the word "annual" in there?
The first annual "Tonight Show" Dip-Off.
-Well, you can say "annual," but you're not --
Like, once you lose, it's not like you want to come back
next year and do it again.
-Ooh!
-Come on, man. I don't lose a dip-off, man.
-Okay. -I don't lose a dip-off.
So, here's the rules.
For -- there's people online freaking out.
They go, "I understand you're doing this,
but what are the rules, Jimmy?
Tell me what's up."
-What's the rules? -"Give it to me straight."
You got 30 minutes to make it.
-What? -Oh, okay.
-Yeah. And it must include cheese of some kind, okay?
-Okay.
-And then we need a judge, and the judge is Questlove.
-I got this in the bag. Like, come on.
You think my boy -- you think he's gonna pick you?
Come on.
-Here's the -- Here is the deal.
Here's the deal. It's a blind test.
-Oh! -So he doesn't know.
We can -- You could do whatever.
So you think you have it in the bag.
By the way, I think your dip probably comes out of a bag.
-Oh, wow! -Know what I'm saying, dude?
-Okay. Cool. Yeah. -Want to have a dip-off, man?
-Yeah, I do.
I do. Okay. Cool, bro. -You know what I'm saying?
-Yep. We gonna see.
Well, I guess we won't see, because it's blind.
-Yeah. So, this Thursday,
Quest will -- He won't be blindfolded while eating,
so we can -- But he --
-He won't know whose dip is whose.
-He won't know whose dip -- He'll be dipping in some dip.
-It comes down to the taste. He'll know.
He'll know. He'll know what's up.
-No, he'll know -- He'll definitely know what's up.
-Wait. Why y'all talking about me in third person.
-Well, no.
Pretend that you're blindfolded now.
-Yeah.
-Who do you think -- Who --
I'm telling you, he --
I mean, I've known him for 12 years, man.
-Yeah, that's nothing. -Quality. Quality.
-That's nothing. That's nothing.
-No. I'm talking about Q.T., man.
-Oh, quality time. Okay. Cool.
Well, alright.
-I mean, you've known each other how long?
-33 years. -Yeah.
So half the time, and I still think I got it --
-You think 12 times 2 is 33? [ Cymbal crash ]
I've got this. I've got this in the bag.
-Yo, you didn't even have to do the math like...
-I'm not a gen-- Look, I'm just saying.
I'm talking about quality time out of those 33 years.
-Yeah. It's all --
-Yeah, you guys are Larry Birding it, man,
but I'm, like, you know...
-Yeah. -I'm...
-Kurt Rambis? -Who's...
Is he number 12? Like, I don't know.
I don't know who's number -- Tom Brady.
-Tom Brady. -Okay.
-Yeah, there you go.
-Well, when I dip, you dip, we will.
-We'll find out Thursday who wins the dip-off.
Yeah. And the winner also gets a bowl.
A -- I'm not going to say a crystal bowl,
but maybe a cubic zirconia.
As long as you know in your heart that it's -- that you won,
you don't need to have the actual crystal.
-Yeah, I feel like everybody wins, right?
-Well, no.
Sadly, the rules state that there is
one clear winner in this.
And whoever wins gets a dip bowl.
-I hear that, man. Well, sorry. -Yeah.
-Make room for Dipset, 'cause here we come.
-Did you ever hear that story?
I think it was Deion Sanders said that
he doesn't wear diamond earrings.
-Oh, yeah, he wears all, yeah, fake jewelry.
-Yeah. Cubic zirconia.
He goes, "Because I know I can afford it,
but I just don't want to lose it."
-Yeah, true.
-So that's kind of the same with our dip bowl.
-Yeah, so you're making a fake dip.
I get it. -No, no, no, no.
My dips -- You have no idea how real my dip is.
-My dip is real.
-Dude, you're not even gonna understand
what goes down when you see the results of this.
-Okay.
-It might make you just rethink it all, man.
-Dippity-do-dah, ladies and gentlemen.
-Yeah. It's gonna be like...
It's gonna be like... Uh, uh, uh...
-Yep.
-Well, the obvious one would be like
A-dip, dop.
A-dippity-dip-dop.
A-dip-dop, dippity-dip.
But I won't do it. -Okay.
-Because what I'm gonna is, I'll be like,
you don't want to drop it, because then you'd be like...
Drip -- dip...
-♪ Dip-drop, hurray ♪
♪ Ho! ♪ -Yeah, yeah.
You don't want to -- -Oh, we saw that.
-No, but I'm not gonna say that one either.
'Cause they're too obvious.
Both of those ones are too obvious.
So it's like, no, dude, I'm gonna shoot
straight from the dip, man.
-Okay. Okay. -Know what I'm sayin'?
So, check it out this Thursday, everybody.
Set your TiVos, your DVRs,
your VCRs, your recorders, your Betamax.
It's all going down. We'll be right back.