Have you ever wondered how to take criticism without getting defensive?
Defensiveness is one of those things that come so naturally. But there's some
ways to overcome it. Why? Why would you want to learn how to handle criticism
without being defensive? One good reason that I'll put out right
at the front here. Defensiveness validate accusation. Think about what I'm saying.
Defensiveness validates accusation. If someone's accusing you of something and
you become all defensive, it validates the accusation. It tells them, "Oh yeah,
you're onto something here. You've hit a soft spot here. You've got me." Right? Even
if you're not guilty, the defensiveness tends to give that feeling that you're
guilty. Because you're trying to cover it up, alright? Yeah, why are you being so
defensive? Must have something to hide? So, the whole why behind this I think is
important right up front. Defensiveness validates accusation. Now, let's look at a
different piece of this because everyone has an opinion, right?
I heard long ago that opinions are kind of like armpits. Everybody has them and
they all stink. Well does your opinion stink? Not necessarily. But there's a
difference between facts and opinions. And really the one that we're more
familiar with is opinion because everybody's got them. When someone
criticizes you, what they're doing is expressing their opinion, not fact. If you
take it as fact, then you might be more likely to be defensive. So, let's start
out by just reframing that in a way that allows us to see it less personally and
realize that it is simply an opinion. Everybody has one and we don't have to
respond to that as if it's an attack. So in our own mind
now, it's simply listening to someone's opinion instead of debating or disputing
a particular fact or point of fact. Now, when someone shares their opinion with
you. here's another insight that helps us to
handle it in a way that we don't become defensive. Really, they're telling us more
about them than they are telling us about ourselves. Their opinion is just
that, it's their opinion. I had a buddy who used to say it this way, "What other
people think about you is not your business." That's helpful. It's their opinion, it's
their business, it's not about you. It's really more about them than it is about
you. Do you see the defensiveness starting to melt away already?
Okay. Along these same lines, let's take a look at this concept. Feedback. Feedback
is a word that means you're getting input back from something that you're
interacting with. So, in the case of criticism, what if you were to think of
criticism as feedback rather than criticism or attacking. Well, you don't
have to be defensive about feedback, it's simply information. Information about
what? Information about that person's opinion. It may or may not be about you.
At least not as much as you think it might be. So, let's say that someone tells
you, "You're so sensitive." As if that's a bad thing.
I think sensitivity might be a really great thing to have. But let's say that
it's kind of said that way. "Oh, you're being so sensitive." Alright. Feedback.
Feedback. It's information. It's information about
what? It's information about the person who's giving you the feedback? We could
easily interpret it to mean, "My experience of you is that you
are sensitive." Okay? Or "I experience you to be sensitive." Now, I add the experience
piece in there because really that's all they have. They have their own
perceptions. They don't know you. They don't know you as well as you know you.
They're not inside of you, they don't know what operates you. So, they can't
really say that you're sensitive as a fact. They're offering it as an opinion.
My experience of you is that you're sensitive. Okay, as feedback, I can take
that information in. Oh, that person experiences me to be sensitive. Hmm. And
now, I get to think about it, right? -Hmm. I wonder what it is about me that has them
experiencing me as sensitive? Okay, disclaimer. Nobody thinks like this. I'm a
psychologist, right? And so, I'm getting into all of the metacognition and
thinking about our thinking. I think it's helpful though for you to just pause and
take a look at that for a minute. What if you were to process it more
along those lines? Oh, I'm getting feedback that I'm sensitive, hmm.
Think about it. What is it about me or my behavior that might have that person
experiencing me as being sensitive, okay? Because maybe it doesn't fit inside of
me. And I don't think I'm sensitive the way they think. But instead of being
defensive, simply taking it in as information and I'm asking another
question. At that point I might come up with some pretty brilliant stuff, right?
Like, "Oh, I get it. I reacted in this way to that
circumstance and that has them experiencing me as being sensitive." Even
though in the back of my head I'm thinking I'm not really that sensitive.
Okay, well is that helpful information? Sure,
potentially. It doesn't mean that I need to be defensive, it doesn't even mean
that I need to change anything. It might simply inform
me about what behaviors I have. How I'm showing up in this world that has
people experiencing me in any particular way. So, I use the word sensitive. What if
they say, "Oh, you're such a jerk." Okay, I can get defensive about that which means,
"Yeah, I think you're right. Let me see if I can fight you on that point." No. I don't
want to get defensive. Defensiveness validates accusation. So, instead I see it
as feedback. Feedback is information. Information about who? Oh it's more about
them than it is about me. Okay, interesting. That person is experiencing
me as being a jerk. What is it about me or my behavior that might have them
experiencing me that way. Oh yeah, I kind of cussed at him the
other day, hmm. Okay, I can kind of see how they would come up with that. See, I'm not
agreeing that I'm a jerk. I'm simply inventory my own behavior and that's
useful. The information we get is feedback. So that may be the most
important thing from this whole video. Criticism can be redefined as feedback.
Feedback is simply information about the person giving the feedback. That triggers
some helpful questions in our own mind so that we can check out how we're
showing up. Don't be too quick to own it. Because facts and opinions are not the
same thing even though they're very similar in appearance sometimes. 2 more
quick ideas before we wrap up. What if they really intended to criticize you?
It's not meant as feedback. Well yeah, sometimes that's the case. I think you're
still in a better, stronger position if you consider it as feedback. Even if it's
intended to cut you down. It's still the worst thing that you can do is
defensiveness. And then here's another little piece. Say "Thank you." I know, weird
huh? Instead of getting defensive, remind yourself, practice this. Say thank you. For
what? For the feedback. Feedback is valuable. It should always be considered.
Not necessarily consumed or inhaled, okay? But consider it because it's valuable
information that might inform you well as you move forward in your other
relationships. So, say thank you. And you might follow that up with something like,
"Thank you for that feedback. I will certainly consider it." Alright, they're
not expecting that, they're going to look at you kind of weird. But what kind of a
powerful positions that puts you in. You're in charge of this. You've got this.
"Thank you for your feedback." That's powerful. I love the way understanding
these principles helps us to move forward on purpose. Honored to be on your
team. I'll see you tomorrow.