TOP OF THE MORNIN' TO YA LADDIES, my name is JackSepticEye
and welcome to a game called 'Handle With Care!'
It's a game where I have to control, uh...
Butterfingers discount Markiplier over here,
and I have to go through this Smithsonian Museum,
and handle all these delicate objects, and try not to make them crash and burn,
but the controls are a little bit, uh...
fruity.
That's a good word to use, I think.
I don't even know what it means, but that's the best way I can describe it,
because the controls make NO SENSE,
hence the analogy.
ANYWAY,
(Reading) What an incredible opportunity for you.
(Reading) To be now a trainee in our museum!
Good job Mark. You're movin' up in the world.
(Reading) For the first time in history we have gathered the two biggest collection-
of ancient relics in ONE ROOM!
That sounds like a bad idea!
(Reading) Your work is to put the last three relics in their assigned place.
(Reading) GO NOW!
-The director
Okay
Okay, my God. Am I just drunk all the time?!
Is that what's happening?
Wait, what are the what are the relics, and where do they go?
Oh, oh oh! He picked it up. Oh Jesus. What is happening?
Careful care- what the fuck?!
I have legs, okay. I am a real boy, and I know that that's not how legs work.
I have no idea where this goes. I don't know where I'm bringing this.
Oh no.
Is it going upstairs? AHHHH, careful!
WOO! WOO! [incoherent shouting]
This is tricky. WHY do you have spaghetti for legs?
Spaghetti does not go on a human.
It goes in a beautiful bowl filled with tomato sauce!
Okay, up we go. I think it goes up here. Okay. We got this.
No
problem.
Take this picture of Zeus smiting his foes
And just place it down. Oh no. Oh, no. Okay, gentle. Gentle. Ge- I'm not even touching anything!
Ah. Ah ah! AH!
Eh- heh.
[unintelligible noises]
Fuck. OooOOH
(The mating call of the majestic Jack)
Hohoho!
Splay those legs, and display that piece of art! Perfect. Oh my Go- OH MY... stooooooppp
[blowing air at the vase]
[vase shatters]
Fuck it!
Ohhhhh, the diwector's gonna be aaaangwy
I didn't mean to do that!
Why? Why? I'm holding forward, and you feel like- You control like a bus!
Okay, okay, take this one. Take this one. I don't even have to press anything. He just grabs it- ah, the fuck!
Okay! Tap foward!
I'm not pressing anything!
This is just how it is.
Okay, I should be well used to this.
I'm Irish dammit, I know how to control a drunk person!
I did it for 28 YEARS!
Okay, okay, okay. Thread the needle! Thread the needle!
I know I like to talk about how speed is key and all that, but Jesus Christ, would you slow down?
Slow is a type of speed!
Fuuuuck! Fu- don't fall, don't fall, don't fall- ooooh- oh BALLS!
Okay, okay, we're down to the five hundo. Oh, are you gonna fall as well? Oh, the director's gonna have my ASS!
Please please please please please please please please COME FORWARD! Yay! Okay.
[groaning]
Ohoh. God.
[Vase shatters]
My score went *up* with that one.
Ohh, cuz I put the thing in place!
O-kay
Offset the bad score by doing a good job!
Doesn't matter if you break a few eggs, as long as I make this sweet tasty museum omelet.
Whoo, this one's heavy. It feels like lifting Zeus's testicle.
OOOH! Go- aw fuck, AH!
I DIDN'T EVEN TOUCH THAT ONE. Why do I have to be fuckin' Johnny Long Legs?
Oh God. Ohhhh God.
Oh, children would have an easier time with this.
[incoherent noises]
DAH HAH
(Out of breath) Okay.
1750! I think we did okay!
1750! High blood pressure and a heart attack later, *clap* we have a winner!
Okay, do I just have to do this again?
Is this a- okay.
This is all the game is.
Putting three of these in three places.
I can do it this time.
I can do it this time. I can at least beat 1750.
Oh hohohohoho!
Control those daddy long legs!
Careful, careful, careful.
Oh God standing still is something that you-
Sssseemingly can't fucking do! Leeeean to the left ch- *CRASH!*
What the fuck was that?!
I-I did not tell you to do that. No, I just want to do the cha-cha slide!
That one's gonna fall over. AHHHH. (Vase breaks)
OH, it's all over! It's all over.
Why even bother?! Why even try anymore?! Put this thing down! Oh great!
Oh look mister director, all your things have broken!
You can't fire me! Because now you have no business, because you have no valuables!
Ohhh, shame about the Ming Dynasty!
Huh?!
[vases shattering in the background] Hmm. Yes.
Lovely piece of art. You can really tell that the artist was a fan of the band-
Kiss, and it really brought out his inner emotions.
You can just sense the turmoil going on in the colors.
[smashing a vase] And I don't like THIS ONE-
This one SUCKS-
This one is a cheap knockoff!
This one deserves to be in a bog!
Whatever, I hate my job!
Okay! Easiest first!
WHY!
Touchin' things turns me into flubber!
Okay, okay, okay, okay. Just don't touch anything. If you don't touch anything you can't break anything. That's simple science at this point. Oh, no.
Oh no.... [vase shattering] WHY?!
WHY?!
Just- just walk forward!
Wa- OOOOO!
That's it. That's it! Walk forward. Watch, I'll touch the wall and now I'll-
Ssspring load into action. Just straight forward. Straight forward. It's very straight forward.
Oh!
Like ridin' a BIKE.
Like riding a bike that had legs made out of jelly.
Okay, one down, two to go! I can do this! No problem at all at all. Here we go.
Ohhhh, careful! Careful, careful, careful, careful, careful, careful. Uh hi hi hi hi. How you're not falling over, I'll never know.
[Nyoom sound, vases shattering]
WHAAAAAAAAT?!
Oh my god, I didn't even touch youuuu.
Those legs, they look small and scrawny, but my God they can hold up fierce weight.
Oh God, if you were a real person I would punch you in the back of the head.
That's right. You- don't- don't look- turn around and look at me as I do this!
EYES FORWARD,
Nummy nummy numb nuts!
Oh my god, this fucking sucks.
This fucking SUCKS! There we go! 1,200! All I need to do is not hit ANYTHING with the last one!
That's not gonna happen!
Okay, can we initiate Leg Protocol please?
Okay, initiating. There we go. Here we go. If I can get through these pillars without hitting any of them, my legs will be fine.
Very temperamental legs, I have. They don't know whether they're comin' or they're goin'.
Imagine if:
Quasimodo's eyes were legs. That's exactly what I have going on here
Don't hit the pictures either because I think they're also very valuable. No!
Don't hit anything. Don't hit anything. Don't hit anything. Don't hit anything. Yes. Yes!
Wha- why? Why? What are your legs doing?! You're like fuckin' Michael Flatley from Lord of the Dance!
[vases shattering] STOP IIIIIT!
Just put the thing on. Just put the thing on.
1750 again!
I'm beginning to think that any a score
That's higher than this- the only high score that this game has- is actually surviving by the end of it
Is actually going on after finishing the game and living!
Because this will kill most people!
[vases shattering] And I hate THESE ONES, stupid nipple plates,
The big butt- bulbous vase-
Screw that. What would you even put on these?
The Romans didn't even use them, the Greeks didn't use them, NOBODY used them!
They're in perfect condition here! Clearly nobody used them, so why do we have them? Oh mother of fuck.
Tho- that's not how legs work! Fuckin' Christ!
You're givin' Slender Man a run for his money.
I figured it out.
This is actually Octodad in disguise!
This is Octodad in THIS GUYS!
This is Octodad in THIS, guys!
STOPIT!!!
Ohhh, hit this giant gong of a plate. Can I knock that one down? I want to knock the big plate down.
I want to knock the big plate down! Yeah, haha!
It didn't break.
That's it. I'm leavin'. I'm goin' home to my wife and child.
WELL, THAT DOES IT for this video on Handle With Care!
I'm going to go away now and handle my brain with care!
I'm just gonna go and watch videos of cats, playing with dogs, playing with bigger cats,
to make my mind go at ease.
Yeah, you- you can stop looking at me and all.
Yeah, I bet that moustache and beard are fake. They look like they just pop off like Lego.
ANYWAY,
Thank you guys so much for watching this video! If you liked it, PUNCH that Like button in the face...
LIKE A BOSS!
AND, high fives all around,
*WAPUSH, WAPUSH*
Thank you guys, and I will see all you dudes...
IN THE NEXT VIDEO!
[outro music]
How come on the end screen you're able to stand perfectly still?