- [Announcer] From West Hollywood, California,
the only news team that doesn't know what's on
the teleprompter before they read it.
Anyone who laughs or breaks, loses points.
This is: Breaking News.
- Good evening, welcome to Breaking News.
- The show where we don't know what we're about to say,
and we aren't allowed to smile, or laugh.
- I'm Hal Satan.
- And I'm Peaches Bitch.
Our top story: cars.
Sure, they go beep beep.
But are they too sexy?
A new study found one in four Americans
are sexually attracted to their shiny metal mamas.
- That's right, Peaches.
Fiat, more like Fi-hot.
Mazda, more like Maz-damn.
Rolls Royce, more like Rolls Noice.
Dodge Ram, more like Dodge Rammy, please,
and others.
- Sure, it may sound yummy to get your cruiser tiny smooches
with your little whis--whips?
With your little whips.
Ah, fuck.
But manufacturers are warning customers
not to get too attached.
A cool dude in Honda's nuts and bolts department stated,
"Cars are fickle mistresses
"and will only break your heart and your wallets."
Am I right, fellas?
They did a sick backflip and everyone liked it.
- The fox from car facts gave the following tips
to decrease car lust.
One, take public transportation when possible.
Two, never wax your vehicle.
And three, forget rules one and two.
- (scoffs) Okay, I'm done talking about this, now.
Peaches, would you like to hear a joke?
- No.
- Respect.
Moving on.
Can't be bothered looking outside your window?
Don't worry, it's time for the weather with A. Scatman.
- Doo bi doo bi doo, scoop scoop do.
(scoffs)
- (A. Scatman) Scoop, doop, scoop doop.
(laughs)
- (A. Scatman) Scoop doop, scoop scoop doop,
scoop doop soop, scoop, scoobidi-doop, scoop scoop.
- This is,
is this,
- (A. Scatman) and scoopity poop,
poop poop scoop,
and scoopity doop.
Poopity scoop and poopity poop,
and poop and scoop and scoop and poop.
Thanks, Hal.
It's a cold one out there,
colder than the day my baby left me.
You know, my infant baby.
Just crawled away when we were at an ice skating rink.
I begged him not to go but he wouldn't listen.
Babies can be stubborn but fair.
- I'm so sorry to hear that, A.
- Sike.
I didn't ain't have no baby.
You know me, always at the spankin' and prankin'.
I'll never be tamed but for reals,
it's hot, not cold, so squirt that sunscreen bottle
and lather up like a top model.
Rays are out there and they mean business.
- Oh, I have a cousin named Ray.
He owns a small business.
- Me too, what a time to be alive.
- Wow,
sounds like we all have a cousin named Ray.
Signing off, I'm A. Scatman.
Scoopity scoop pa pa da, la la da pa da da scoop-a-doo,
a-doo be-scoop, a-doo be-scoop.
Scoop-a-dee-doop, a scoop-a-poop
- Why are you doing it sexy? - (laughs)
- We've just received breaking news,
but first, who is your favorite Spice Girl?
- Baby all the way:
B.
- You're crazy, but I respect you.
Okay, ready to hear this breaking news?
- Sure, let's go live to the scene with Quasi Hello-modo.
- Thanks Hal.
Raccoons are on the loose in Downtown Los Angeles,
stealing the hearts and eating the lunches of all.
Early this morning, some raccoons,
that's the technical term,
like how there's a murder of crows or a herd of deer.
You know what I'm talking about?
Is that something you're familiar with?
- Yes.
- Is anyone listening to me?
- We all are.
- Yes.
- Respect.
Well, for raccoons, it's some raccoons.
Pretty weird, huh?
It feels like science kinda gave up there,
but any crap they're down here now.
Early this morning, hundreds of raccoons
descended on to the city looking for sandwiches
and other light fair.
- How are people reacting?
- At first they were like, "Ew!"
but once they saw them pick up food with their little hands,
they were like, "Aww."
So at the moment, no one is pressing charges.
- And that's all we have time for now.
We'll close with a bit of personal news.
This week's loser is
Grant O'Brien.
- [Quasi Hello-Modo] Yeah, all right.
Fine.
Fine, I don't owe anything to anyone.