(upbeat music) - How? How?
Somebody tell me how does Instagram know exactly
what I wanna buy before I'm even aware I wanna buy it?
Yes, I do want a dog grooming glove that's only $12,
purchase.
I don't even have a dog yet, but I have to get one now.
For the last five years, I've taken a picture of every meal
and posted it to Instagram.
It's foodstagraming (laughs).
So today for lunch, I'm having a protein bar.
Yep, it just looks like a protein bar
like a brown slab of processed food.
Yum!
The shortness of Twitter makes it the perfect forum
for political arguments.
It allows for no nuances or elaboration.
It encourages people to tweet angrily, irrationally,
and with as much snarkiness as possible.
It is utter chaos, and I love it.
I don't use any social media.
[Man] But I thought you had Pinterest?
- That is to collect ideas for carpentry projects only.
It is not social and therefore does not qualify.
And please do not tell anyone that I have Pinterest.
None of my friends or family have asked what my opinions are
on any of the important cultural political issues
of the day.
And that in and of itself
is why I need to keep posting daily manifestos on Facebook
to shake them out of their complacency.
You're not gonna change the world
unless you're extremely off-putting
and alienate everyone in your life.
For the last six hours,
I have been rehearsing a TikTok dance
that has been kicking my butt.
Sometimes being a micro-influencer is so much work,
I question if it's even worth it.
Yo, wanna go whitewater rafting with me this weekend?
I'll pay for all of it, on one condition.
I need you to take pictures of everything.
'Cause Jimmy posted pictures on Instagram
of his mountain biking trip last weekend,
and I am not letting that guy one-up me!
Oh yeah, it was great meeting you.
Hey, let's connect online with a friend request.
You've still got Myspace, right?
I'm a little bit behind on the social media trends.
I've noticed that for the past few days Tiffany
hasn't been watching my Instagram stories.
I think it's time for me to make a vague post
about how I don't need fake friends in my life anymore.
I like to spend a lot of time posting on Reddit.
I enjoy acting as though I'm an expert on various topics,
ranging from international politics to relationship advice,
all the while having very little firsthand experience
in any of those areas.
Just hanging at home! Hashtag chilling like a villain.
Today, I'm gonna open up and share about
the darkest day of my life.
Oh, a cool dog!
Gotta gram it! Hashtag doggos for life.
We should all be concerned about the immigration policies
in this country!
Just getting the best burger in town,
hashtag... best burger in town.
Let's talk about
the stigma surrounding mental health issues.
None of my social media accounts are in my real name,
I use throwaway email addresses for all of them,
and I never log in without using military grade encryption.
Good try going after
my personal information, Mark Zuckerberg.
But guess who's not getting Zucked?
This guy.
Oh yeah, I'm a big Yelper.
Leave a lot of reviews, some positive, a lot negative
'cause I've got high standards.
Whenever a terribly run business goes under,
I like to think I had a small hand in it.
I haven't talked to this guy Jason in years
but should I unfriend him?
What if his feelings are hurt?
No. You know what?
I have too many Facebook friends,
I need to cut down, unfriend.
Okay, and I have unfriended everybody.
I better just delete my account.
I only log into Facebook once a year
to see which of my so-called friends
have wished me a happy birthday.
And when someone doesn't, I take note.
[Man] Do you wish all your Facebook friends a happy birthday?
- Of course not!
You think I have that kinda time on my hands?
I have a bunch of YouTubers I follow
who feel like they're my friends.
You know...
The kind of friends who you see 10 to 20 minutes at a time
and they know nothing about you,
but you know a lot about them.
At least you have the illusion that you do.
Actually, it's like a lot of my real life friendships.
Hey, thanks for watching.
I've got more 16 personalities videos
than you could shake a stick at on this channel.
If you wanna watch another one click right here
or if you wanna binge the whole playlist,
I got you covered right here.
And if one of these types in the video reminded you
of a friend or something, share this video with them.
Till next time, stay cool and attractive.