- Flirting has come a long way,
I used to have to call people.
Because I'm older, I used to have to call people.
When I was growing up, and that was even worse,
there was a push button phone.
(audience laughs)
And if you had to ask out a girl,
you had to call her on the phone.
It was horrifying.
And you had to dial,
meep, ma, moop. (audience laughs)
And then you'd stall,
meeep, maaaaaa, mooooop.
(exhaling) (audience laughs)
And then you have to wait and talk,
and I go "hello,
hey you don't wanna go to the prom with me, right?
You probably don't.
Okay, bye."
(audience laughs)
Horrifying!
(audience laughs)
You have it so easy now.
(mumbles) have to go to their locker
and ask them out face to face.
Sickening!
(audience laughs)
You know I'm like,
"I know that prom's this week."
And they're like this.
(audience laughs)
You'll never know when you text, that face and them going,
"Wow, you're not gonna." (audience laughs)
Sometimes when you go to a restaurant.
I went to a six star restaurant, one better.
(audience laughs)
And you know the hostess' are very nice,
but they like to strike up a little jibber jabber,
before you sit down.
But it always goes nowhere for like 10 feet.
(audience laughs)
you know.
So she's like, "Mr. Spade, we're so excited to have you.
How was you're week?"
And I go, "Oh I had a little bit of a health scare,
here we are."
(audience laughs)
I go "I'm sure it's nothing, don't worry about me,
I'll get a CAT scan.
I'll CC the whole hostess stand."
(audience laughs)
But one time a couple of years ago, I was on a date.
I was tryna puff up.
And there is this snooty Maitre d'.
And I'm waiting and he finally goes,
"Okay, right this way ladies."
And I go. (audience laughing)
Is that us?
And I go (groans).
So I start walkin',
sort of cooled me down a little bit, in front of the girl.
So I'm walking and I'm steaming, toot, and I'm like,
I'm getting so mad and I go when he see's me,
he's gonna freak out.
And then I look and the guys like "Joe Dirt!"
I'm like "yes, I look like a guy."
(audience laughs)
So I start going and I go,
"this guys gonna fire himself,
this is gonna be great."
And then there is some stairs,
and he looks right at me and goes,
"watch your step gals."
(audience laughs)
Again!
(audience laughs)
I am a sir!
I have a mustache, sort of.
(audience laughs)
Anyway, eat at home.
So I went to Magic Mountain this weekend.
Which is a amusement park.
They call it Six Flags, Magic Mountain.
You don't need the Six Flags part.
(audience laughs)
You know, you don't need two names,
Magic Mountain is it.
(audience laughs)
You know what I mean.
(audience laughs)
let me tell you something,
in terms of marketing,
Magic Mountain.
It's hookie, it's catchy, all right.
I know showbiz, Magic Mountain.
Six Flags, who cares about that?
How many flags are at your amusement park?
(audience laughs)
No one says that.
"Six!"
Oh!
(audience laughs)
Six outta 10?
"No, just six."
It's nowhere right.
So Magic Mountain, the point is,
it's definitely more mountain than magic, all right.
(audience laughs)
Honestly, spoiler alert.
I got some bad news.
It's not even 50/50.
It's barely magic, 99% mountain.
(audience laughs)
It's like cheese on pasta,
here's the magic part.
(audience laughs)
Here's the mountain part.
(breathes heavily)
Stop, no?
(breathes heavily)
(audience laughs)
More mountain!
All mountain,
if you don't believe me ask my step counter.
Cus it was like, wheee, it was literally smoking.
(mumbles)
Seizing up, all the gears in there.
(audience laughs)
My pint sized, little spindly,
noodle legs have never dealt with so much trauma.
(audience laughs)
I took my 11 year old kid,
because I'm trying to be her hero.
(audience laughs)
But I also have a bad neck so.
She wants to go on all the rides.
(audience laughs)
I'm like, we're here.
Can we just look around at the scenery and enjoy life?
(audience laughs)
I can't even get to focus on the rides,
because I'm looking at the Mount Everest they're sitting on.
It looks like an inspirational poster of a mountain,
and me trying to think about it,
with the word determination under it.
(audience laughs)
So I get on one ride,
and I only did one.
It (beep) me up, off course.
(audience laughs)
It's not a fun little roller coaster,
like whoo, it's scary.
It's literally like most of them are based on a car crash.
(audience laughs)
You know what I mean?
This ones called telephone pole,
it's 100 miles an hour and them wham!
(audience laughs)
Stop on a dime and everyone's like (groans).
People are walking off crying and calling lawyers.
(audience laughs)
I'm basically slumped in the ride,
and they have to bring the jaws of life to get me out.
(audience laughs)
The worst part is, I bought one of those scammer passes
for VIP's, you know.
(audience laughs)
One where you cut in front of the line.
And at first I'm whizzing by people,
they're like "hey",
they're all excited.
"Joe Dirt, "Bench Warmers"".
And then you do it twice and they're still in line,
they're like "(beep) you dude!".
(audience laughs)
"I'm calling the cops." (audience laughs)
So am I a hero?
Who knows, I don't know. All right, Bye!