All right, okay, well,
apparently, our next guest just walked in the door.
That's how it goes here with New York traffic, I guess.
Nothing like leaving it 'til the last minute.
You can find his stand up dates at JonDore.com.
Next week, you can see him
in the Broadway show Hercules: The Musical,
please welcome Jon Dore!
(applause and fanfare)
I'm embarrassed.
I'm clearly trying to fit too much into my days.
It's true what Conan said.
Next week, I am starring in Hercules: The Musical.
I play the role of a centaur,
a mythical creature,
Greek mythology,
and today we had a dress rehearsal,
and it went a little late,
and I did not have time to change.
Gettin' in and out of that Uber was a nightmare,
I'll tell you that much.
My rating's gonna plummet, guaranteed.
And I'm embarrassed, I feel terrible.
I feel bad for Conan,
I feel bad for you people, the viewers at home.
I mean, I'm supposed to tell jokes,
and this is gonna be distracting, so--
I mean, if there's any way
you guys could just maybe not focus on how I look,
and just pay attention to what I'm saying,
I think everything will work out.
What do you say?
Will you--
(applause)
Oh, thank you, all right!
Lets have some fun!
Here we are at the Apollo!
Whoo!
Apollo Theater!
Harlem, New York!
(applause)
Yeah, oh, yeah!
There we go!
Joke one.
You know, there was a time in my life
when I started hanging around the wrong crowd,
and then one day I just realized, "Wait a minute."
"I don't recognize any of these people."
"I have literally been hanging around with the wrong crowd."
"How long has this been going on?"
But eventually, I started hanging around the right crowd,
and we did a lot of drugs and we shoplifted, so, yeah.
See, that joke usually gets an applause break,
but I feel like the outfit--
(light applause)
Oh, don't, please.
If it's not sincere--
You know what, maybe I'm just gonna skip the jokes,
'cause this is too distracting,
and Conan did promise me that I'd be able
to premiere a song from Hercules: The Musical, so--
(applause)
Yeah, if you don't mind, I'll do that.
Jimmy, whenever you're ready.
(light flute tune)
♫ Oh, Hercules, we need you here
♫ Come down from Mount Olympus
♫ Oh, Hercules, no one thinks you're weird
♫ Come down from Mount Olympus
♫ Oh, Hercules, Her-- ♫
(liquid running)
(applause and laughter)
(liquid spurting intermittently)
I bet you think I'm embarrassed.
I bet you think I'm humiliated, but I'm not,
'cause it's not what you think.
That wasn't urine.
That's right, it's my new energy drink, Integrity.
[Announcer] Integrity!
(thunder)
You got it.
Integrity's something I got plenty of.
It's from the makers of the All That Top Hat
Chicken Cooker Oven Hat.
When you're trying to squeeze too much into your day,
I suggest you try Integrity.
[Announcer] Integrity!
(thunder) Wait a minute
No, no, no, don't, Jon.
Let me get this straight.
I give you a chance to do stand up at the Apollo Theater--
Thank you.
Which is a great honor. Yes.
And you use it to do this stupid commercial.
This is disgraceful, and you have no integrity.
[Announcer] Integrity!
No, don't-- (thunder)
You work for me!
Seriously, this is unacceptable.
You arrive late, you look like a fool, you look ridiculous.
I'm sorry.
You know what?
He's right, Conan's right.
You're always right.
No, I did arrive late, and that's on me,
and I did abuse my power to promote this,
and I do look ridiculous.
I'll just take this off.
You don't have to take it off.
No, you can leave it on.
It looks ridiculous, and it's coming off.
No, please don't, no one wants to see--
It's unacceptable.
You should go.
All right, I'm outta here.
[Announcer] Integrity!
(thunder)
Jon Dore, ladies and gentlemen.
(applause)
You never know what he's gonna do.