- Hi, I'm Brie Summers, author of the best-selling books,
"Success by Failing Up"
and "Stop Listening and Start Deflecting:
101 Ways to Tell Someone How They Feel."
Now, if you've ever had to deal with a stranger
that's a real jerk, you're probably wondering,
"Where'd this jerk learn how to be such a jerk?"
Well, they probably learned it here, and so can you.
Today's guide is gonna teach you
how to be a jerk to a stranger.
Let's get started.
Let's put our toes in the water.
A customer service rep's entire job is to help you,
and you don't even have to look them in the eye.
Here are three rules for jerking a customer service rep.
- [Mark] Hi, Mrs. Summers.
I'm Mark, a supervisor here.
How can I help you today?
- [Brie] One: The first guy is a pawn.
Get to the supervisor.
Then complain when he asks you to explain everything again.
- [Mark] I understand. I apologize.
Let me make sure to read your file.
Can I put you on a brief hold?
- [Brie] Two: Get irrationally angry
with this human you've never met
who makes minimum wage at a company
that mildly inconvenienced you.
They're here to help you,
so if you're a strong jerk,
you'll take all your anger out on them.
- [Mark] You're absolutely right, ma'am.
I sincerely apologize.
I'm doing my best here.
Heh heh. Heh.
- [Brie] Three: Now's when you insist
they give you free stuff or refunds.
It's unwarranted, but by now,
you've created a bad customer service experience,
so they basically owe it to you.
- [Mark] Sure, ma'am.
Why don't I send you some free product as an apology?
Just confirming your full name here is...
wait, Brie Summers?
I remember you.
We went on one Heinge date,
and then you kept texting me pictures of your genitals.
- Ooh.
Now, if a stranger turns out not to be a stranger,
you've probably been a jerk to him before,
which upsets the entire power balance,
and you need to get the hell out of there.
Let's find a stranger we can look in the eye
and emotionally abuse for the very first time.
(upbeat music)
I've invited an expert guest to help us,
this waitress who's trying to take my order
at this restaurant.
Totally forget her name.
Welcome to the show.
- I'm Madison.
- Oh. - By the way.
So did you know what you wanted to order or-
- So, Madison,
you must have experienced a lot of jerks in your career.
- Oh yeah, a lot. I have.
- What are some of the best jerk moves you've seen?
- Okay. I guess...
I guess when someone asks,
"What's the best thing on the menu?"
it's pretty annoying because it's like,
as if it's objective, right?
- Yeah, actually, what's the best thing on the menu?
- People like the salmon.
- Mm-hmm, mm-hmm hmm hmm.
(Brie trills)
Mm, mm, mm-hmm, mm-hmm, mm-hmm, mm-hmm, mm-hmm, mm-hmm.
I'll take the burger and also the check.
I'm kind of in a rush.
I have this whole online workshop thing I gotta do.
So if you could just doo doo, doo doo.
- Totally. Okay.
- One thing that a jerk always does
is wasting the server's time,
whether it's with the flirting, small talk,
or forcing them to do an interview for your show.
Ah. - Where do I put it?
- Right here. Right in front of Mama.
- Okay. - All right.
- And here's the check.
- Okay. Let's see here.
Whoa!
Almost had a heart attack.
What is this burger made out of? Gold?
Always complain about how expensive the food is.
All right. Well, here you go.
- Okay, so...
I would like to stay a respectable distance away
from your breasts. Oh, right.
Okay. Just get that...
If you could just...
All right. I'm just gonna...
- Just kidding. - Oh yeah?
- Yeah. Ha ha. - Really funny.
Wow. Really fun.
What am I... you're Brie Summers?
- Mm-hmm.
- Are you kidding me?
- So you're a fan?
- Uh, no.
Madison Donnelley. Piedmont High?
You literally spread a huge rumor
that I, Madison Donnelley,
was having sex with PE teacher Mr. Goldstein
for like a year?
My boyfriend, Josh Stanton broke up with me,
and then you were like,
"Yay. Now I can go to prom with him,"
but then you didn't even ask him to prom,
and I had to go to prom alone.
It's insane. You still suck, you know that?
How.
- I thought you were a stranger.
- Nope.
- So when you get the check, you have two options.
Leave anything under 20%, easy,
or leave the other kind of tip.
Watch Polly Shore's "Adopted."
Good to see you, Sam.
- It is Madison. My name Madison.
- All right.
Now once you get banned from enough restaurants,
you'll have to cook for yourself,
which means a whole grocery store full of strangers.
The cereal aisle is a good place to start.
Maintain control over the area,
so no one else can look at any cereal
before you've chosen your cereal, or even get by you at all.
Then take forever to choose your cereal,
even though it'll be the same thing you always get.
- Oh, hi Brie.
- Oh, Jeremy. Hi.
- You never closed out your tab at the bar last week.
We all had to pay it for you.
Apparently, this is some kind of pattern.
Maybe we could settle up now and just take care of it?
- I mean, whatever.
Whatever.
Produce.
Different produce is meant to have
different levels of firmness.
It doesn't matter what those levels are.
The important thing is that you touch
and squeeze all the produce.
- [Woman] Eww.
Wait. Brie?
- Oh, come on.
Are there no actual strangers in this grocery store?
- [Woman] Oh my God.
I haven't seen you since you dropped off your son
for a play date with Ian,
then went on vacation with your husband two weeks.
- Leave your cart in the middle of an aisle.
Pick up a new one for fun.
There's a ticket system at the deli counter.
Don't bother with-
- Oh, look who isn't taking a ticket.
The jerk who got me fired from my last job.
- Oh, come on.
If being a jerk becomes lonely,
find the other jerks in the store.
We all hang out in the 12 items or less line
with 36 items or more.
By now, you should be feeling more confident to be a jerk
to both friends and lovers alike.
But what about those who have been hardwired
to love you unconditionally?
That's right. Your family.
Our next class will arm you with the tools
to burn those bridges completely.
I'm Brie Summers, and...
(Brie coughs)
I'm a piece of (bleep).
(coughs)
I'm a piece of s**t.
(Brie coughs)
(upbeat music)