Hello and welcome back to ASMR, which, as we all know, stands for:
Attractive, Single, Machiavellian, Radicalist.
How are you doing?
This is just a decibel of my regular speaking voice.
What's up, friendos? We're here to do another round of ASMR.
I know that ASMR usually involves making a lot of different noises...
with different objects, but...
I don't know how to do physical things, so...
Okay, I didn't think that through. Now there's hair everywhere.
I can't believe I get to make money from this.
Do you hear that sound?
That's the sound of success.
Breathe it in.
Feel it.
I choose to do ASMR because apparently I can just do my regular hobbies...
in front of a microphone and get paid for it.
Am I dreaming?
Welcome back to ASMR, or as I like to call it...
unbridled small talk.
Today we are here to talk about the one, the only,
the queen of PR and marketing, Miss Taylor Swift.
Of course, we know of some of her more controversial issues as of late.
Excuse me, Mr. Matty Healy.
I don't usually waste my time with things as boring as ASMR,
but I lost a bet, so...
So we're going to commence our guided meditation now.
I just want you to begin by letting go of all of the tingles in your body...
and taking a deep-
Welcome to ChaosMR. Today we're improvising.
Ouch!
Guys, I stapled my finger!
Peekaboo.
Okay, what else? Oh!
So, as we know, ASMR stands for: "Autonomous Sensory Meridian Response".
I'm not quite sure why it's popular these days,
but you guys seem to like it when I sit here and monologue about anything and everything,
which happens to be something that I'm very good at,
and I can't seem to hold down a regular job, so... here we go.
Don't try this at home, kids.
Is there any sound better?
Am I doing it right?
This is actually quite enjoyable.
Perhaps I could read you an excerpt from my diary.
Actually, no. That's too personal.
Of course, Miss Swift had whet our appetites with some ambiguous lyrics...
in her most recent album: Midnights.
So fans were just tickled with excitement to see them perform together...
at her Nashville show of The Eras Tour.
I've already read this one.
Welcome back to Spoken Word ASMR.
Today we're gonna be reading Keats, which was requested by...
Well, nobody. But no one watches this channel, so...
In...
... and out.
How does this work?
Josh, you owe me money.
You see a babbling brook to your left...
and I just want you to reach down and run your hand through it...
... letting the water casually glide over your hand.
Today we are doing another episode of "Critiquing famous quotes...
from literature that I could probably say better".
Today we've got the old classic from Steinbeck...
“The best laid plans of mice and men often go awry”.
Now we know for a fact that mice cannot make plans.
So we're guessing that this is probably... what kind of language feature?
That's right, it's a metaphor.
It is not to be taken literally. I am very much looking at you, Carl.
Do me a favor, guys: do not get mice to make your plans. They're bad at it.
Aptly, this chapter is called: "Why work is boring".
You notice just upstream that there's a boulder stuck in the water.
It's preventing the water from flowing down in a natural stream.
I want you to imagine that this boulder is your trauma.
How heavy is the boulder?
How is it preventing your streams from flowing through?
This mustache is what success sounds like.
Breathe it in.
Feel it.
Hedge-crickets sing; and now with treble soft.
The redbreast whistles from a garden-croft,
And gathering swallows twitter in the skies.
Sometimes I feel like my poetry is better than Keats's.
And today's wine is- Shh!
Shh!
Some kind of red.
This is the good stuff.
Become friends with boulder. Give the boulder a hug.
Say: "I accept you, boulder".
Today we've got another hypnotic message to send you off to sleep,
which I will be repeating on the background of a delightful rainforest.
Let's begin.
The multiverses are real.
We are in dimension number 3.
The news is lying to you.
The multiverses are real.
And here's a little song I've been working on.
I mean, if I can't make noises, I can at the very least...
give you some affirmations, maybe.
I just want you to all know that you're beautiful inside and out.
Except Justin from the third grade. If you're watching this,
I still haven't forgot the time that you glued my sandwich together...
and I ate it and had to go to hospital for five weeks.
Of course, when the anticipated moment came in the Nashville show...
when he was going to supposedly join her on stage,
Taylor Swift geniusly chose this moment to announce the re-release...
of her original album: Speak Now.
And I think you and I can both speculate that John Mayer,
wherever you are, you should be running for cover right now.
Apparently this is something that sounds nice.
Okay, how did this happen?
Now I want you to gently blow out your torch,
say goodbye to the natives...
and choose not to participate in the ritualistic sacrifice.
And so, in conclusion, that's how I know that I'm an INFJ.
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Don't try this at home, kids.
... this at home, kids.
I could just light a match.
The first time/once in my life.
Right now we have an airplane. It's been a while since they've returned.
Lo and behold when the moment comes to potentially get Maddie Healy on stage,
what does Taylor Swift do?
Certainly not get ruined by a truck like my shot just did.
I left this wine here.
That's at least seven days old.
Oh my word! This isn't even acting. That's terrible.
Washes it down with beer.
Classic.
I've only bought some hair scissors because my friend told me...
that it was really bad that I was cutting my hair with paper scissors.
Who knew?
... welcome them both up to the stage to sing.
Did I know that I was going to be featuring a dog in today's episode?
I did not, but you know we like to roll with the punches here.
Yes, this is going to hurt.
Is it worth it for the sketch?
Indeed.
You know, sometimes comedy is pain, my friends.
Heavy regrets. Heavy regrets.
Now, in your own time, I want you to write down the feelings...
that you experienced in this guided meditation.
Specifically the part with the near-death experience.
What new trauma did we activate together?