Phelous: ♪ You're in a ripoff, so animate like a jackass! ♪
(Farewell, tumbling shed. You will be missed.)
<"Live Like a King" instrumental and wordless vocals>
(very slowly) Boy... I sure do wonder how that Senor Mustache is doing...
Yaaay!!
Oh, dammit.
(Old Man voice): Wow, you're right! My front door COULD be bigger!
Hmm, I wonder if I should pick the one that's NOT a part of the background?
Sr. Mustache: What's that?
Beast: You have to steal my flowers too? This crime will not go unpunished.
You will die for it.
Phelous (Old Man voice): Oh, do you actually have a reason this time?
Like they're connected to your life or something?
(Beast voice): No, of course not! I just love finding inane reasons to kill people!
Sr. Mustache: M-my three daughters asked that I bring them gifts
(Old Man voice): Yeah! Yeah, three! That's how many I have, right?
Sr. Mustache: My youngest, Beauty, asked only that I bring her a single red rose.
(Old Man voice): And I thought, while I'm disappointing them
I might as well make most of them jealous
by only getting one of them a gift!
Sr. Mustache: ...since she lost her beloved garden...
Phelous (as ghosts): Heheh, we sure do love that the Beast is gonna kill this guy!
Sr Mustache: ...I beg you, show mercy on me.
Ghost 2: Hey boss! Why don't we get the girl to live here instead?
Ghost 3 voiced with Ghost 1's voice: Yeah I hear she can cook!
Phelous: Why you sneaky undead FUCKS!
"Snap, Crackle, Pop, we'll steal your daughter!"
Beast: You shall live!
However! You must give me in return one of your daughters.
(Old Man voice): Just one? I'm afraid it's take them all or no deal!
Beast: Then you will spend the rest of your life in my dungeon!
Phelous (as Beast): I thought I was going to kill you
but seeing as you've now run over here, the punishment has changed!
Beast: Take him away! HYAHHHHHH!!
Phelous (as Beast): Oh, and might I add: RRRAWRARRRRR!!!
(as ghosts): It'll be a pleasure, to see... you... rot!
(normal voice): No, of course I'm joking,
and they whisk him off to the carriage to his escape.
Beauty: Father, you're back!
Phelous (as Beauty): It's freezing in here now, can you tell me how to block off this window?
(normal voice): FOOOLED YOUUUU!!
I was only joking about joking!
The three dicks really DID send him off to a slow death!
♪ Like a king! ♪
Glad THAT animation wasn't confusing.
Beauty: Do you remember the way?
Eaty: You can't go! You can't! Who'll take care of us?
Sleepy: We'll perish! Beauty, we'll perish!
Phelous (as Beauty): That's all the incentive I need!
(normal voice): Wait, why'd she get rid of the carriage? Too cold to ride in that?
Well, much like Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde
every story can be improved with a comic relief cat!
LOL...
(as Ghost 1): We're ghosts, why did we do this?
(as Ghost 2): Cause it's kinda like the Disney one, for a second!
(as Ghost 3): Why'm I so blurry?!
(as cat): Take this, asshole!
(as Ghost 3): Ohhhh! My ghost groin!
(normal voice): So, huge castle, but Beauty walks RIGHT TO HIM.
Senor Mustache knew that all those years of not showering would eventually pay off.
Beast: Welcome to my home, Beauty.
Phelous (as Beast): How did I know YOU were Beauty?
I read the book.
(as Beauty): The BOOK? Borrr-ing! You should really pick it up on VHS!
(as Beast): The VHS, Beauty? Get with the times! I got it on Laserdisc!
Beauty: Cat:
Beast: My appearance is alarming, isn't it? I fear that's beyond my control.
Phelous (as Beast): I also fear the soundtrack is a bit overbearing
Well, that IS in my control, but I'm not fixing it!
(normal voice): The father/daughter exchange goes through
but, the exchange rates have changed a bit since the original trade offer
so Sr. Mustache will send Sleepy's left foot in the mail.
Beauty:
Phelous (as Ghost 2): She doesn't like being held against her will!? Who'da thunk it?
Ghost 3: C'mon, cheer up! Hey, look at all these dresses for you to wear!
Beauty:
Phelous: Wait, oversized dresses don't immediately placate you?
I don't know if I *believe* you in the role of Blanky McEasilyAmused.
Ghost 1: Maybe I should whip her up something wonderful to eat, to make her feel better!
Ghosts 1 and 3: Maybe not.
(From a Mortal Kombat cartoon): "Then again, maybe not."
Beauty: ♪ I... can't resist... ♪
Phelous: Oh, never mind, it'll just take a musical number for immediate cheer-up in this case!
SIlly me.
Beauty: ♪ The voice that-- ♪
Beauty: Oh my!
Phelous: Wait, w-what the hell? Did she just "oh my" at her own musical number?
What is going on?
Is she gonna find the "Beauty and the Beast" book to see how this ends?
WHAT THE HELL IS REAL ANYMORRRRRRRE???!!!
Oh yeah, real life. Don't know what the hell I was freaking out over.
Wow, it's like the human form of the Disney Beast wearing Prince Eric's clothes!
Amaaazing!
Old Man: Yes, SO amazing!
Phelous: Also amazing is that the Beast has two of the same picture in the same hallway!
But it really is a better picture for the vain ass than that DREADFUL kitchen portrait!
Beauty: I know that song!
It's... it's...
let's find out where it's coming from.
Beast: I didn't hear you come in.
Beauty: How do you know that song?
Phelous (as Beauty): And how do you SING like that? Really impressive!
(as Beast): Aaaaah... (in rapidly increasing pitches)
Beauty: It's the song my mother used to sing to me.
Beast: I have... heard it in a dream.
Phelous: Woo, that was a SHARED pegasus hallucination!
That sure lets us skimp out on actual story building!
Beauty: You play beautifully.
Beast: I do nothing beautifully.
Have you forgotten? I'm a beast!
Phelous: Well! Looks like the Beast is just looking to be offended at things right now
I'm sure he's off to go on Tumblr next.
Now for one of my favorites! Scene change without the backrop changing!
Yayyy...
Beauty: I'll have to try talking to him again.
Phelous: Yeah, I suppose, or else it's going to be a very long existence here.
(as cat): I am the Alpha and the Omega, you eeeeesholes!
Beauty: I'll have to try talking to him again.
Phelous (as Beast): I'm a beast! Don't use gender-specific pronouns!
Beast: Is there anything else you need?
Beauty: I can't imagine how there would be.
You've given me more than I could ever have dreamed of!
Phelous (as Beast): What's THAT supposed to mean? You saying I'm FAT?!
Beast: Could... you ever marry me?
<"Swan Lake" continues to play>
Phelous: Aw, crap, we're going into the other Blanky mode
Something, save the scene, quick!
Beauty: It's so strange.
Beast: What is?
Beauty: That this castle -- YOUR castle -- should be filled with such beautiful things...
Beast: While the master of the house is a beast?
Beauty: That's not--
Beast: YOU WILL GO NOW!!
Beauty: But I...
Beast: YOU WILL GO!!
Phelous (as Beast): Now I must read my books
and pick out one word from them to be offended at for days!
(normal voice): Fuck, the Beast is such a dick
even the walls are starting to troll him at this point.
<"Swan Lake" continues to torment him until...>
Beast: HRAAAAAUUUUGGGHH!!!
Phelous: ♪ Caaaan you feel the... ♪
I, uh...
♪ Tale as old as... ♪
Swan Lake!
Beauty: Oh!
Ghost 2: What happened?
Ghost 3: I don't know, I.. I wasn't here.
Ghost 1: I didn't do it!
Phelous (as Ghost 3): Let's hide the body before the police get here!
Beast: I'll be back. Call me if there's a change.
Cat:
Ghost 2: Ah, nothing, but NOTHING goes right for that guy, ever!
Phelous: Yeah, and here I thought Beauty falling down the stairs was bad for HER
but I didn't consider how bad it was for the BEAST...
Ghost 1: Poor fella. Deserves better, he does.
Phelous: He DOES, does he?
Well WE certainly haven't seen a reason that he deserves better.
Let's see what that reason could be
in the story they tell the CAT!
Ghost 3: An awful drought was on the countryside
Ghost 2: 'Cept for one fella who was doing JUST FINE.
Ghost 3: Yeah, but this prince, he wasn't such a generous soul.
Ghost 1: When the poor folk from the countryside came asking for a loan of some food
Ghost 3: He shut 'em out cold.
The families 'round these parts, they had to head on, looking for a better place.
Ghost 1: Not all of them made it.
Ghost 3: You're looking at three of them now.
Phelous: ...they're three of his VICTIMS??!!
...he deserves better WHY??!!
Ghost 3: You're looking at three of them now.
Phelous (as cat): That's hilarious!
(normal voice): So, at least he deserved having his shit fucked up this time
but speaking of fucked up, wait till you hear
the reason the ghosts are helping the Beast.
Ghost 3: And now, he's stuck being what he's being.
And we're stuck between two worlds!
Phelous: And I thought it was bad when the rest of the castle staff
got turned into objects in the Disney one!
But WOW!!
Why would his VICTIMS be stuck in limbo, forced to HELP him?!
So yeah. maybe the story this time wasn't just "an evil fairy did it"
But holy shit, she sure was some damn evil!
Ghost 3: But, if by when the first snow falls
someone falls in love with him just the way he is
the curse will be broken
Phelous: Too late!
Or you mean snow past the magical tree barrier of seasons?
Ghost 3: He'll be what he was! And we'll be free to move on.
Phelous (as cat): Wow!!
I so don't care!!
Beast: I hadn't meant to scare you. It's the last thing I wanted to do.
Here, a sweet rose to cheer you--
Phelous: Scene over!
Beauty: Oh magical reflecting glass, where is this imprisoned soul?
Where shall I find him?
Phelous: Glad Beauty knew about this already.
Guess she read the book!
Beast: What are you doing in here?!
Phelous: Heh heh, you just KNOW those two are going to get together!
Because they HAVE to.
But of course, after telling the Beast that Senor Mustache has a mild cough
he agrees to sign her field trip permission slip.
Beast: But know this: if you do not return in one week's time
by the first snowfall, then I will die of a broken heart.
Phelous (as Beauty): Wow! That sounds wonderful! Do you really mean it?
(as Beast): Fuck! We really haven't had ANY moments yet, have we.
Just come back, dammit, I need someone to yell at or I'll die!
(as Beauty): Sounds worth it!
Eaty: I've almost forgotten how little I missed her.
Phelous: Except for that whole "we'll perish without you" thing before she left
but that was a while ago, we've forgotten.
Sleepy: Where does she come off, riding in such a carriage?
Phelous (as Sleepy): That's RIGHT!
(normal voice): The plan THIS time is to get her to do CHORES
until the Beast's loneliness meter runs out.
Beast:
Ghost 3: Uhh...
Slutty: I do beg your pardon, kind sir, but my name is...
Beast:
Beast: HYAAAAAAGH
Beast: Well, good thing for him it was Beauty who came originally
If one of the other three sisters came
the Beast would've died right then, apparently.
Beast: I mistook your kindness for caring.
Phelous (as Beauty): Yup!
(as Beast): Shit.
<"Swan Lake"... again...>
Beauty:
Phelous (as Beauty's thoughts): I would've jumped that big hairy Beast
but a SWAN? THAT'S not the right kind of bestiality!
Mob: Get the Beast! Get the Beast! Get the Beast!
Phelous: Yes, that's right, we'll GET him!
We wouldn't want to KILL him, save that for the hardcore Disney version.
Beauty: STOP!!
He means to hurt no one!
Slutty: He has her under some spell!
Beauty: No! I love him
Mob:
Other Beauty:
Beast: You... love... me?
Phelous (as Beast): Even *I* can't believe THAT one.
We've had NO chemistry or even touching scenes!
All I've done is yell!
<"Sugar Plum Fairy" starts... well at least it's for a fairy>
Phelous (as fairy): It's already snowing, you're too late.
(Mario voice): Mama mia!
(as Fairy): Ka-me-ha-me-HAAA!
<"Dance of the Sugar Plum Fairy" keeps rolling>
(as M. Rodent): I'm so glad you love me, Beauty!
(as Beauty): Ohhhh!! Ummmm... about that...
Old Man: HEEEEEEEEE!!!
(normal voice): Nah, luckily for Beauty, of course,
he's the man of her screwed-up pegasus dreams
Now they can go and play Famiclones together.
Beast: There could be no greater beauty than the beauty you hold within.
Will you marry me?
Phelous (as Beauty): Of course! Now that you're not ugly.
(normal voice): And in celebration, all of those penalty-of-death roses
were apparently shot up into the air and exploded
for a never-ending flower petal shower.
Because meh, those roses weren't THAT important.
And now, these souls tortured to aid the man who got them killed
can finally have peace.
NAH, just kidding, they're forced to roam the Earth forever I guess! Happy ending!
So that was better...
...slash worse than the other Beauty and the Beast.
This movie gets so batshit it's kind of amazing
however, Senor Mustache is really no replacement for...
Old Man (at chipmunk speed): HEEEEEEEE!!!
Phelous: But damn, Beauty at least had the character of an airhead in the other one
In this one, she had so little character, I can't even call her that.
She was simply... there.
And there's absolutely NO buildup of the Beauty and the Beast falling for each other.
The other bozos shared a dance at the very least.
Every scene with these two ended with either being offended or yelling.
And those damn ghosts!
Just... WOW!
The so-called comic relief are the characters who DIED
due to the Beast being a horrible person!
Yet they can't find peace, until they get him laid!
What a screwed-up fairy!
That's far worse than most supervillains ever get to!
Any why the shit were they a part of this story, yet started it outside of it?!
W- WHAT WAS THAT?!
You know what, I'm sick of this story. I'm leaving!
Y-oh!
You know what?
Don't hide in this book!
I don't recommend it!
<"Oh Phelous 2014" plays throughout the credits>
This could still work, right? RIGHT?