how do people fall in love
using research from the social sciences and having worked with thousands of couples we
finally discovered there's a process and we call it the love path
we often get people who have had their love lost the marriage is now in difficulty it's in trouble
and so rather than talking about how to fall in love we want to talk about how to rescue your
marriage and in doing so we've come to understand another process that we're calling seven steps let
me explain what those seven steps are in just a second this is Kimberly Holmes our CEO seven steps
to what seven steps to rescue your marriage and yourself and so it's different it's a love path
although it's in harmony with a love path right but this is more specifically aimed at people
now we have divided these seven steps into three basic categories the first category encompasses
the first three steps then the next category is Step number four and then we have three more
steps in the last category well Kimberly I don't think we can talk about all seven and one webinar
or one podcast because it's just too much and even if we break it down we're only going to be
able to hit the highlights right now let's talk about that first section somebody is in crisis
and they're trying to save their marriage we have steps one two and three what's the first step yes
so the first step if you're wanting to save your marriage is that you need to calm down we have
colorful language we've added in between calm and down but this is a family-friendly podcast
but what we have found is for people who are really wanting to save their marriage the first
thing that they do when their spouse leaves when they realize their spouse doesn't love
them anymore when divorce has been filed is they typically freak out the anxiety is through the
roof there's a ton of things going on and so our first step if you want to rescue your marriage
and the first step that a person needs to do is get calm calm down work on your pies your
physical intellectual emotional and spiritual we talk about that a bit in that first step as well
but it's really about getting a grounding so that you can think more logically and less emotionally
for the rest of the steps to work right it's not that your emotions are going to go away you need
understand that now in a previous episode of relationship radio we say well the first thing you
really have to do is to make a decision now after the decisions when this first step comes calm down
because how many times have we witnessed people doing things that they think are somehow going to
put this thing back together yeah and and it winds up being the worst things they can do because it
propels the other person away even faster from them yes that's right or it propels their family
and friends to just not want to be around them because they're acting so erratic and anxious
and wanting answers wanting attention wanting all of the things so it can push their spouse away
it can push their support system away it pushes a lot of things away when you're just acting out of
it I don't want to call them uh it's not irregular emotions what is the word I'm looking for I guess
erratic same thing but it yes you need to calm down so that you can think more clearly you need
to calm down so you don't send drunk text messages you need to calm down so you don't
end up you know sending a dozen flowers you know you need to calm down so that your actions don't
just push people further away so one thing to remember there is this it's not an emergency I
know it feels like that and you're thinking if I can do something fast enough do the right thing
quickly then I can nip this in the bud everything is going to get better but it's not an emergency
and if you act like it is an emergency you're gonna not think clearly you're going to act
irrationally and in that process you're probably going to do more harm than good you have time to
do these steps to help put your marriage back together it doesn't all have to happen today so
don't blow up your counselor's phone 12 times in the next half hour because of the fact that
he or she can't get back to you right now don't go running to all your friends and panicking and and
screaming and those kinds of things calm down now we'll explain that a lot more but not right here
we just give him the highlights and so if a person can take a breath come to breathe get some control
then what's the next thing the second step is to get clarity you're not going to be able to think
clearly about the situation until you're calm which is another reason that that is the first
step so the second step is once you're calm and able to logically think through some things or
at least yes at least calm enough to think you may not be perfectly calm right at least calm
enough to think then here the second step is really about getting Clarity on what's really
going on why are they unhappy why did they leave what part if any did you play or have you played
over the past in this happening so getting Clarity on the the environment the situation the behaviors
that are going on how people are feeling so that you can really then understand what you need to
continue to do in the next the next five steps to turn the marriage around and getting Clarity
can take a little time because we'll ask people sometimes well what's going on what does your
spouse said to you well he or she really hasn't said anything they just pecked up and left out
of the blue they always say it's out of the blue but the more you prod it wasn't out of the blue
no but people think it is but people think and so we say okay it in Clarity and Kimberly's already
Kimberly has already alluded to this understand that it may mean some self-analysis finding out
how you contributed if you contributed it may mean that you'll find that you may be blaming
yourself for some something that's not your fault and that it really is a different category out
there altogether and so rather than beating yourself up you need to be able to understand
it's not about me it's about that situation that thing happening out there beginning to understand
more about what might be motivating your spouse at this point and to why he or she is acting the way
they're acting and if you get clarity then you'll begin to understand how to react when on some days
your spouse acts like everything's wonderful even though she or he's now living someplace else and
you think wow maybe we're getting back together and then the next day they act like they have no
use for you whatsoever and you're thinking why why we get that questions all the time what am I
supposed to say this oh my goodness what do you think it meant when they put two periods at the
end of the sentence instead of one I wish that was an exaggeration but yes people get that deep
into the analysis so really the second step is all about evaluation let's evaluate the full situation
so that we have a better idea of how step three will come into play but understand another
evaluation you're going to need some professional help yes because being so deeply emotionally
involved in it it's going to be very difficult for you to be unbiased about yourself about your
spouse about the situation and therefore what we do and marriage helper is that we help people
think through learning principles these are some basic relationship principles to understand this
this and this and based on what your spouse is doing there's some even other things we can teach
you about what's happening underneath all that being able to learn all that on your own is that
possible sure just spend a few years researching learning all those different principles and then
highestly a pipe apply it to your own situation or let us we'd love to help you with that so the
second thing is get clarity but you have to get clarity otherwise you're going to be going in the
wrong direction and so all right now that they've gotten some clarity and we can help them do that
through our teachings through our webinars through our courses through our coaches once we help them
get clarity as to what's going on we may not be able to answer every single question like why
were there two periods at the end of the sentence right once we help them get clarity enough that
they got okay I can see the picture now then what do we do next yes so then the third step
is to stop pushes and start pulls so what are the pushes and pulls the pushes and pulls are the the
terminology that we've put around how we either attract our spouse to us or repel our spouse
away from us now there's things we do that that lead to that but then there's also extra Journal
pushes and pulls that could be pushing your spouse away from you or pulling your spouse away from you
or pushing them back towards you so there's a there's kind of a balance that goes into this
and thinking about it but the idea is you what you can control is you so how can you stop the pushes
that you are bringing knowingly or unknowingly into the situation and how can you begin pulling
to the extent that you have control over doing the things that can pull your spouse back towards you
generally speaking and if you've listened to many of our relationship radio episodes then you know
we talk about this a push is anything that evokes a negative emotion in the other person and a poll
is anything that evokes a positive emotion in the other person and so basically that can be based
on what you do but it also can be makes them want you don't do so understand that pushes and pulls
have to do with your actions and the things that you don't do so for example if your spouse expects
you to be there for them anticipates that you'll be warm and kind and listening and those kinds of
things and you don't do that it evokes a negative emotion in the other person so it's not just what
you do but it's also what you don't do if you have been a person with a lot of anger and used to be
yelling and screaming but now you've stopped doing that you actually start evoking positive emotions
now about what you're not doing that you're used to do now it's much deeper than this and it really
only makes a lot of sense once you have gotten clarity as to what the situation is because until
then you can understand the general principle of pushes and pulls but until you start putting
that into the context of oh this is what's going on with my spouse oh this is how we got there oh
I can even see how things had happened years ago were affecting what's happening right now
that's when you can most effectively use the concept of push and pull so Kimberly when we
talk about this we talk about it as being a rescue and so these three actually kind
of fit under the idea if you're thinking in terms of rescuing as to the First Responders
like we will do what we can do we're not going to do the impossible we can't do for you what you
need it to do but we know that these are the first steps we take to stabilize and so just like First
Responders try to stabilize these first three steps will help to stabilize what's happening
in your relationship right now the fourth step would be more like okay now that you're in the
hospital and it's time to get a cure how do you find that cure and then the step after that would
be okay what new lifestyle do you now need to create so that all of this continues to occur
right so right now we're talking about stabilizing yeah so it's like stabilizing and then the Cure
and then uh stability like future stability future longevity in the marriage that's the four that's
the that's the the last set but where we are now is this first response it's this stabilizing and
and understanding what you need to do in order to stabilize yourself as well as your current
situation and so understand that stabilizing can really help things considerably but it still isn't
the healing itself it's part of the healing and if you don't stabilize it you're never going to
get to the healing but right now don't expect miracles when you do these three steps will
they have effect absolutely are they essential absolutely but it's stabilizing so you can get to
the healing part which is what we'll talk about next so as a recap the seven steps to rescuing
your marriage and yourself is the new way we marriage helper are helping our clients just like
you understand the path that you need to take in order to start where you are no matter where your
situation is currently all the way to ultimately saving your marriage and having it better than it
has ever been before so this way this new seven step model hopefully you can begin to see where
you are and maybe you need no matter where you are how long you've been around the marriage helper
Community always a good idea to start back at the beginning these seven steps really are for the
person who is in the middle of a crisis or wanting to really turn their marriage around from where it
is now and it aligns with everything else that we have taught such as our love path model the four
steps to falling in love but that four steps to falling in love you can apply to a dating
couple an Engaged couple whereas this seven steps is really specifically for when you're wanting to
turn your marriage around in this episode we've covered the first three steps which is all about
stabilizing that first step is to to calm down the second one is get clarity on the real issue
and the third one is stop the pushes and start doing the pulls and so don't be surprised if you
go through our seven steps that you're gonna find some of the things that are part of the love path
the four steps but we'll be putting them in the right place at the right time to show you how
to do that and we'll be talking about step four in the very next episode of relationship radio