[NURSERY RHYME PLAYS IN BACKGROUND]
[WIFE] Wow.
[HUSBAND] Look at that!
Look at this up here.
Oh!
Lovely.
Just so lovely.
[LAUGHS] This is so exciting!
I know!
[ADVISER] Hello there!
So sorry we had to meet in here.
One of those human rights activists threw a brick through my office window last night.
Glass everywhere.
Now you are...
Mr and Mrs Dimka?
That's us.
Welcome to the Arbitrio clinic.
I will be your personal adviser, advising you through this
incredible journey we're embarking on.
We're very excited! [LAUGHTER]
[ADVISER] As you should be.
Here at the Arbitrio clinic we take great pride in designing babies
that perfectly meet your needs.
It's so nice when people are open to new methods of procreation.
Not that there's anything wrong with the usual boy/girl way.
After all, before I came out of the closet I was known to dabble in my fair share of penis!
[LAUGHS]
[FORCED LAUGHTER]
So, shall we begin?
Lets!
Question number one.
Boy or Girl? Both--
Girl! Oh, sorry.
[LAUGHTER]
Someone's an eager little bunny!
My wife and I have really been hoping for a girl.
Of course. Who wouldn't want a bouncing baby girl?
But we really want to give this child the best possible start in life, don't we?
I... I don't understand.
Oh, don't be alarmed.
As your adviser I'm just making sure we explore every available option.
Why wouldn't a girl be the right choice?
Let's be honest. It's a man's world out there.
Something like two women every week die of domestic violence.
Not to mention all that sexual harassment from puberty onwards.
Hell, sometimes it starts before puberty!
In fact, now I think about it, if you take the both of us
and the two women at reception
on average at least one of us has been raped!
[LAUGHS]
Well... Um... Maybe--
No.
Honey, you wanted a girl.
I wanted a girl.
We'd prefer a girl.
Of course. Brilliant choice.
Question number two.
Heterosexual or Homosexual?
What?
Oh, I'm sorry. Straight or Gay?
No. That's not...
I know what that means. I meant; you can do that?
But of course! Being gay is perfectly natural.
Hundreds of creatures are known in the animal kingdom to be gay.
And if it's natural, we can change it
I don't think we're too concerned about her sexuality.
We'd love her whatever.
That's right.
Of course, of course. Gay rights and all of that.
We could make her bi-sexual and let her choose.
But I have to ask you. Are you sure?
I only ask because...
Well, do you keep your marriage a secret?
From your colleagues at work?
No.
Why would we need to do that?
Well, a quarter of gay people keep their relationship secret from their colleagues.
Because?
Well, let's be honest.
It's quite the hassle being openly gay, isn't it?
All those "faggots" thrown at them at school.
Never seeing themselves as the heroes.
And ever since the EU collapsed...
Only 20 countries in the world still bother to recognise gay marriage.
Look...
I say this as a person that's advised hundreds of parents.
But perhaps it's best to side with caution on this one.
After all, the right choice is the one that will keep your child safest.
Fine, make her straight.
You won’t regret it.
And now for our final question.
What skin colour would you like?
These are the colours that we can offer. And before you ask...
We can’t make your baby bright blue. That’s illegal!
That one please.
Of course. Now, again, as your adviser I just want to make sure
we’re making the right choice for your baby.
With this choice of skin colour, your baby
can expect to be four to five times more likely to be stopped by the police than the average person.
Of course, not when she’s a baby.
I mean, that would be weird. I mean when she grows up.
If your baby has a degree
she will be two and a half times more likely to be unemployed
and can also expect to earn 23% less
than white people with the same degree.
She’s three times more likely to be murdered.
Seven times more likely to be detained under the mental health legislation.
And three times more likely to be permanently excluded from school.
So, not great news I’m afraid.
What on earth can we do to fix that?
Well, you can... Maybe have a baby...
That starts with a “W”.
We... We should have a witty baby?
Starts with a “W” and has an “E” in there.
A wise baby?
A Whuu...
A Whuu--
A Welsh baby?
No... (Holy Mother of...)
A baby that’s...
Whhiitt...
Whhiiii--
A white baby?!?
Great idea!
You want us to "Michael Jackson" our baby?
No, of course not!
But... err...
Everybody wants to give their child the best possible
start in life, don’t they?
Just think about what white skin gives you.
Better chance of staying out of prison, higher wages,
more acting jobs, less profiling.
Almost every aspect of her life will be better.
Are you completely insane?
You want me to give birth to a white baby?
Hey, well, that’s a little racist.
A little?
There’s no way we’re having a baby that will make everyone think she’s been sleeping with the milkman.
Oh... Well, actually our milkman’s black.
Whatever!
Okay, okay.
I’m just trying to help you make the right choice.
How about you meet me half-way?
An Asian baby?
No, no, no.
I mean many of my clients have chosen a shade that’s slightly lighter than
they are themselves.
For example...
If you go a couple of shades lighter,
That would reduce the average number of police stops by approximately half.
But she wouldn’t look like us.
On the contrary.
There’s a difference between facial structure and skin tone.
She would look like a mixture of you both, I can guarantee it.
The only difference is that she might have a slighter lighter shade.
We’ve done pretty well so far.
Oh, there’s no argument there.
So, she could do okay.
But can you guarantee it?
You can’t guarantee it either.
Of course, of course. But when you can’t guarantee,
Doesn’t everyone make a choice that’s as close as possible?
Why choose a horse that’s a thousand to one, when you can
choose one that’s two to one?
What’s important to bear in mind here is this...
If you make the right choice, your daughter can have a much better life.
There are always problems.
Life is full of them.
But making the right choice today
will mean that life will be just that little bit easier.
She can grow up into a young woman and...
Be happy.
And in the end, isn’t that what we all want?
It’s just so strange.
I know it feels like that now,
but of the 600 or so clients I’ve seen so far, over 350 have chosen a shade lighter than themselves.
And nobody around them has been any the wiser.
That many?
I know all of my clients and I know none of them have regretted their choice.
I can show you some testimonials if you like.
Has anyone asked to be darker?
Well, I’m not... Err...
It’s possible that some of my
colleagues have been asked.
But not you?
But let’s not worry about that.
After all, we’re not Superman.
We can’t turn the world backwards and make it better.
So...
What’s your choice?
[SILENCE]
Okay...
Yeah.
We’ll make her a shade lighter.
And that brings our first session to an end.
Oh, this is so exciting.
I love making babies and I hope you’ve enjoyed it too.
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