- Yo, did you use my luffa?
- What?
No, why?
Ew.
- It's soaking wet, you're the only one
that showered today, and it smells like your body wash.
- I,
that's weird, I would never do that,
so it's, just, the game is starting.
- [Narrator] When facing interpersonal conflict,
human beings are prime to respond with fight or flight.
Rarely are either of these appropriate.
Okay, so you're having some roommate conflict.
Maybe you two disagree on what the thermostat
should be set to, or it seems like you're the only one
taking out the trash.
- Or you find out your roommate's been
using your luffa this whole time.
- [Narrator] Exactly, so you're fired up.
You start practicing the argument in your head.
Imagining all the ways you'd tell him what's what.
But wait, before you come in hot with a list of accusations,
ask yourself, is there a better way to handle this?
- Oh, you're so right.
I'll bottle up my anger and passive-aggressively
release it over the next few weeks.
That is an amazing idea.
- [Narrator] No, what?
I'm talking about the honest,
respectful type of conflict resolution.
- No, but he--
- [Narrator] Quiet, quiet, you.
Step one, get some perspective.
Take a moment to zoom out, cool off,
and realize that conflict is a normal
part of any relationship,
and actually an opportunity for growth.
- Oh, that's embarrassing.
- [Narrator] So, feel any different?
- Yeah, I'm calm.
But I'm still upset, and I don't know if
that's very good advice, sometimes we should be upset.
- [Narrator] Absolutely, if something is not okay,
it's not okay, and it should be expressed.
- Exactly.
- [Narrator] But first, a more important step must be taken.
Step two, look in the mirror.
Be honest, and own up to your part in the problem.
- Okay, but I seriously don't think
I did anything wrong in this situation.
- [Narrator] Jack, you gotta really
play devil's advocate for this to work.
- What the?
I'm playing devil's advocate.
Okay, but that's a vampire costume.
Whatever, just tell me, why are you really upset?
Honestly, him using the luffa was one thing,
but I think what really got me is
that he just lied to me.
Yeah, but we did come in there pretty hot,
I mean maybe he would have come clean
if we approached it differently.
And then we hit him with our luffa, man.
That's so not us.
Yeah, I guess--
- [Narrator] Poking at yourself like this is not a weakness,
it demonstrates awareness, integrity,
and leads to sincere amends.
Okay, step three, communicate calmly and honestly.
- How you holding up?
- I'll be fine.
- [Narrator] Warning, these conversations are challenging,
so clear and direct communication is key.
Opening with your role in the problem is a great start.
- And I shouldn't have thrown the luffa at you.
- I could have been concussed, bro.
- [Narrator] And when expressing our frustrations,
refrain from attacking their character.
For example, calling them a liar,
because accusations don't cause problems,
but being honest in how your feelings were affected
by someone else's actions does.
- I guess I was just kinda bummed that you lied to me.
- [Narrator] And now, quite possibly
the most important step, listen.
The ability to show you understand
how the other person feels and why they did what they did
is a powerful communication skill.
- And you know, we didn't have them growing up,
and I was always curious about them
and then I was in the shower and it was looking at me.
- Hey, I'm, don't even trip.
I completely understand, I mean,
I remember the first time I saw it at the store.
- [Narrator] Uh, okay, step five, change.
- I promise to work through the anger before communication.
- I promise to not lie, as much as, all the time.
I'm not gonna lie.
- [Narrator] Would you look at that?
Acceptance, forgiveness, and a learning experience.
I mean look, conflict with anyone is never fun,
but if handled right, it could pave the way
for a deeper, more meaningful relationship.
Good job boys.
- I also used your toothbrush by the way.
- Hey guys, my name's Oscar, writer
and director of How to Life, thank you
for watching this week's episode.
If you want to see more videos like this
or have any specific how to's you want us to tackle,
let us know in the comments below.
My name's Oscar, and you're watching Soul Pancake.