AND "THE NEW YORK TIMES" IS NOT THE ONLY MEDIA OUTLET TRUMP IS
MAD AT.
YESTERDAY, I TOLD YOU THAT "THE WASHINGTON POST" DISCOVERED THAT
A "TIME" MAGAZINE WITH TRUMP ON LOT OF TRUMP'S RESORTS IS FAKE.
COME ON, MR. PRESIDENT.
YOU CAN DO BETTER THAN THAT.
IF YOU'RE GOING TO FAKE A MAGAZINE COVER, PUT YOURSELF ON
THE COVER OF "O."
LIVING HIS BEST LIFE.
RADIANT.
SO, THIS MORNING, TRUMP FIRED BACK:
"THE #AMAZONWASHINGTONPOST, SOMETIMES REFERRED TO AS THE
GUARDIAN OF AMAZON NOT PAYING INTERNET TAXES-- WHICH THEY
SHOULD-- IS FAKE NEWS!" FIRST OF ALL, THAT'S A FAKE
TWEET.
( LAUGHTER ) AMAZON DOES PAY TAXES.
THEY COLLECT SALES TAX, AND THERE'S NO SUCH THING AS
"INTERNET TAXES."
SECOND, MR. TRUMP, WE KNOW YOU THINK "THE WASHINGTON POST" IS
FAKE NEWS.
YOU DON'T HAVE TO KEEP TELLING US.
I MEAN, OBAMA DIDN'T WAKE UP EVERY MORNING AND TWEET: "STILL
FIRST BLACK PRESIDENT.
#IAMTHEDREAM!" ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
DIDN'T DO IT.
DIDN'T HAVE TO.
OH, HEY, THIS IS IMPORTANT.
I SHOULD HAVE SAID THIS AT THE BEGINNING OF THE MONOLOGUE.
IF YOU'RE WATCHING THIS ON YOUR COMPUTER LATER YOU'RE GOING TO
WANT TO HOSE THAT THING OUT.
IF YOU HAVEN'T HEARD, THERE'S BEEN ANOTHER GLOBAL CYBER
ATTACK.
THIS TIME, HACKERS UNLEASHED A VIRUS CALLED GOLDENEYE, WHICH
YOU MAY REMEMBER AS THE NAME OF PIERCE BROSNAN'S FIRST JAMES
BOND FILM.
WHICH MEANS IT'S A PRETTY GOOD VIRUS, BUT YOUR DAD STILL THINKS
SEAN CONNERY'S MALWARE WAS BETTER.
( APPLAUSE ) WE MISS YOU, SEAN.
HE'S ALIVE, RIGHT?
HE'S ALIVE.
OKAY.
GOLDENEYE IS RANSOMWARE, WHICH IS A KIND OF SOFTWARE THAT LOCKS
UP YOUR COMPUTER UNTIL YOU PAY A RANSOM TO THE HACKER.
THE VIRUS STARTED IN UKRAINE, WHERE IT HIT BANKS, CASH
MACHINES, GAS STATIONS, AND SUPERMARKETS.
IT WAS AN UNPRECEDENTED ASSAULT ON UKRAINIAN TO-DO LISTS, AND IT
( LAUGHTER ) -- IT WASN'T JUST ERRANDS THAT
WERE AFFECTED.
THE VIRUS HIT THE RADIATION MONITORING AT CHERNOBYL, FORCING
IT INTO MANUAL OPERATION.
THE MANUAL BACKUP, OF COURSE, IS A GUY RUNNING UP AND DOWN THE
HALLWAYS SCREAMING, "OH, GOD, WHY DID I TAKE THE JOB AS I.T.
GUY AT CHERNOBYL?" "WHY DIDN'T I GO TO LAW SCHOOL
OR IMPROV COMEDY?" ( APPLAUSE )
SO-- SO LITTLE APPLAUSE FOR CHERNOBYL THESE DAYS.
( LAUGHTER ) THIS ATTACK EVEN MADE IT DOWN
UNDER, ACCORDING TO AUSTRALIA'S MINISTER OF CYBER SECURITY.
>> I CAN CONFIRM THAT THERE HAS BEEN TWO AUSTRALIAN COMPANIES
WHICH HAVE BEEN IMPACTED BY RANSOMWARE OVERNIGHT.
>> Stephen ( USING STRONG AUSTRALIAN ACCENT ):
"NOW, TO MAKE SURE ME LAPPY'S NOT CHOCKERS WITH BUGS, I'M
GONNA BASH DOWN TO THE APPLE STORE AND THROW IT ON THE GENIUS
BARBIE!" ( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE ) THAT'S NOT A VIRUS.
DINGOS HACKED ME LAPTOP.
NOW, DON'T THINK YOU'RE SAFE, FOLKS, BECAUSE THE VIRUS HAS
ALREADY SPREAD TO AMERICA, WHERE COMPANIES SUCH AS THE DRUG MAKER
MERCK, AS WELL AS OREO AND NABISCO.
NO!
OUR PRESIDENTIAL ELECTIONS ARE ONE THING, BUT HOW DARE YOU HACK
OUR DRUGS AND OUR COOKIES?
THAT'S HOW WE COPE WITH THE RESULTS OF OUR PRESIDENTIAL
ELECTION, OKAY?
DOUBLE-STUFFED XANAX. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )