So, I read recently that Los Angeles'
famed Staples Center
was being renamed the Crypto.com Arena.
And, well, I don't know.
It -- It got me to thinking, you know?
Getting older.
Sometimes I look around, and, well,
I don't even recognize the world I'm living in.
Things are changing every day.
And not always for the better.
And it's time to take a moment to talk about
how things were just, well...
a bit more simple...
[ Laughter ]
...back in my day.
[ Cheers and applause ]
♪♪
Back in my day, the Staples Center wasn't
changing its name all willy-nilly.
No, back in my day, we had loyalty, by golly,
and that loyalty wasn't to some faceless,
decentralized digital-currency company.
It was to some faceless corporate office-supply depot.
Because nothing says Laker basketball
like a 50,000-square-foot mega store
full of ergonomic office chairs.
[ Laughter ]
Back in my day, Big Bird wasn't getting vaccinated for COVID.
Snuffleupagus.
No, sir, back in my day, if you saw a needle
on "Sesame Street," it meant Oscar was using again.
[ Laughter ]
Back in my day, there was no bisexual Superman.
Back in my day, Superman was just a very fit journalist
who wore glasses and was very secretive.
Spent a lot of time in a phone booth.
And holy crap. Maybe he was bisexual this whole time!
Oh, my goodness!
My goodness.
Now, Rusty, which superhero do you think is secretly bisexual?
[ Rusty barks ]
Green Arrow. Why?
[ Rusty barks ]
Well, it is a well-manicured beard.
[ Rusty barks ]
I don't want to show a picture, Rusty.
This is an observation for people
who already know what Green Arrow looks like.
[ Rusty barks ]
Maybe you're the nerd!
[ Rusty growls ]
[ Laughter ]
Back in my day, President Biden's
approval rating wasn't at 38%.
Back in my day, President Trump's approval rating
was at 38%, and we couldn't believe
it was that high.
Until we went back to our home towns for Thanksgiving,
and we were like, "Oh. Right."
[ Laughter ]
Back in my day, people weren't attending
virtual meetings on Meta.
Zucker nuts!
We spent our time on Facebook tending to our virtual crops
and poking our ex-girlfriends until they blocked us.
And then we'd grow bitter and delusional
and start watching alt-right videos
one after the other after the other
until we had some pretty screwed-up ideas
about how to make America great again.
Back in my day, there wasn't
a "Pam & Tommy" series coming out on Hulu.
Paradiddles!
Back in my day, if you wanted to watch "Pam & Tommy,"
you had to be friends with the kid
whose parents had one of those VCRs that could make copies
and he'd hook you up with a tape
that had been copied a zillion times
and was so grainy, you couldn't tell a boob from an elbow.
[ Laughter ]
But it got the job done.
Back in my day, Mel Gibson wasn't making
a "Lethal Weapon 5."
Back then, Mel Gibson wasn't making anything
because no one wanted their name associated
with his brand of sexism and anti-Semitism,
but now -- now that sexism and anti-Semitism are over forever,
we can forgive him and move on.
-[ Rusty barks ] -They're not over?
Well, give me one example.
[ Rusty barks ]
All right. Fine. Give me ten examples.
[ Rusty barks ten times rapidly ]
[ Laughter ]
Well, who knows.
Maybe "Lethal Weapon 5" will fix it all.
[ Rusty growls ]
[ Laughter ]
♪♪
Back in my day, Apple wasn't developing
a self-driving car.
Macintosh!
Back in my day, Apple was developing a phone
with a self-destructing screen.
All you had to do was drop it
from a height higher than one inch.
Back in my day, Matthew McConaughey
wasn't thinking about running for governor of Texas.
Back in my day, Matthew McConaughey
was thinking about --
Well, honestly, who the [bleep] knows
what that guy was thinking about.
I mean, heck, maybe he was thinking
about running for governor.
Maybe he was thinking about bongo drums
or shrimp tacos or huarache sandals
or what he'd say to the Dalai Lama
or what he'd wouldn't say to Dennis Leary.
The fact is none of us know what's inside that man's head,
but we'd like to because, man,
it seems like he's got it all figured out.
[ Laughter ]
Back in my day, Taylor Swift
wasn't re-recording all her albums.
I was. And people were not excited.
[ Laughter ]
Taylor even sent me a cease-and-desist letter
which I framed -- free autograph.
[ Laughter ]
♪♪
[ Rusty whimpers ]
Back in my day, we didn't have terrifying Korean TV shows
like "Squid Game."
Bee-bim bop!
Back in my day, the only Squid Game we had
was ordering calamari at a 24-hour diner
and trying to guess how much was real squid
and how much was pig buttholes.
And in that Squid Game, there were no winners.
[ Laughter ]
You like pig buttholes, Rusty?
[ Rusty barks ]
[ Laughs ]
♪♪
Back in my day, New York wasn't ending
their gifted and talented school programs.
D-plus!
Back in my days, those programs
were the only way New York kids got into the Ivy Leagues.
Either that or you would pay some rowing coach
up at Dartmouth to say your kid was the best coxswain
this side of the Hudson, even though you both knew
he couldn't tell the difference between a kayak and a canoe.
And then your son would find out and say,
"I don't want to get into school on a lie," and you'd say,
"Well, you're certainly not getting in on the truth
because Harvard ain't going to be blown away by the fact
that you make 'sick beats' on your computer all day long."
And he'd say, "You never believed in my music!"
And you'd say, "Ohh! If you can call that music!"
And then your wife would come in and say,
"Don't be so hard on him," and you'd say,
"Maybe if we were hard on him,
he wouldn't have turned out this way."
And she'd say, "Just fix it!"
And you'd yell, "I'm trying to fix it,
but Tyler won't even pretend to be good at rowing!"
And then he'd yell, "I'm not Tyler anymore! I'm Ty Fresh!"
Then you look at your wife with the expectation
that she would finally come over to your side of the argument.
But she wouldn't.
So you'd throw your hands up in the air
and you'd go down to your man cave
to watch the History Channel.
[ Laughter ]
♪♪
Ooh, but I love that boy!
[ Laughter ]
I love him!
♪♪
I had to do that 'cause you all seemed a little bummed out.
How I was mean to my fictional son.
[ Laughter ]
Wait till they find out you're not a real dog.
[ Laughter ]
[ Applause ]
♪♪
[ Rusty whimpers ]
Back in my day, sure, coronavirus cases
were spiking over the holidays,
but this year, because of vaccines,
we can gather with family members and friends
who have been inoculated.
And won't that be nice, Rusty?
-[ Rusty barks ] -What's that, Rusty?
You're not anti-vax per se, but you have some questions?
[ Rusty barks ]
Rusty, are you vaccinated or are you not vaccinated?
-[ Rusty barks ] -You're immunized?
What the hell does that mean?
[ Rusty barks ]
That medicine is for horses, not dogs!
[ Rusty barks ]
No! Horses are not just tall dogs!
-[ Rusty barks ] -You know what, Rusty?
I think you've got a little bit too much screen time
in this segment.
[ Rusty growls ]
[ Laughter ]
[ Applause ]
♪♪
Well, I'm sorry, but sometimes you just have to do that.
This grumpy old Gus sometimes gets his grape on.
This has been "Back In My Day."
[ Rusty barks, cheers and applause ]