-This sounds like a "Curb" story,
but it happened in your real life.
-What´s that?
-You, in the time since the last "Curb" season,
you spent a night in jail.
You got arrested. -Oh, my God!
What are you bringing that up for?
I don´t need that crap. [ Laughter ]
What are you -- Well, you know, all right.
[ Laughter ]
On -- In a --
Oh, what are you doing to me?!
[ Laughter ]
I spent a night in jail. Yes, Seth.
-Okay. -Bring up a sad memory.
Do you ever think a guy like me is gonna end up in jail?
But here´s the thing I´m gonna say to you.
-Yeah. -Okay, I ended up in jail.
It was a minor altercation. -Yeah.
-And -- It really was.
And I got put in jail because the woman had an expensive car.
-Uh-huh.
-And when I went in her window and --
She was making fun of me for being fat.
-Okay. -That´s all I´m saying.
Weird, right?! -Yeah.
-And -- I don´t have enough time to tell the story!
This is what you do to me.
You ask me a question, the entire segment --
Do I have two segments tonight?
-No, you don´t have two segments.
-I know, there´s a novelist coming,
who maybe she´ll write a book on my thing.
[ Laughter ]
Here´s all I´m gonna say to you, though.
-Okay.
-The reality is, I hit on someone´s window and said,
"Why did you do that?" you know?
-Yeah. -It was a dumb Larry David move,
because, like, she was yelling at me,
and then I said,
"Well, why´d you make fun of me for being fat?"
It was the wrong time. -Yeah.
-Anyhow, TMZ had me with a wrench, busting windows,
and then leaping on her car and saying,
"You better call the coppers."
[ Laughter ]
-But that didn´t happen. -No!
-It was just this. You gave it a tap.
-Not a tap. -Okay.
[ Laughter ]
-I´m a strong man!
I didn´t realize that strong.
And you know, like, a window, it shattered -- not on her,
but, like, right there.
And it was like, "Oh."
When it happened, I was like, "Whoa!"
-Yeah. [ Laughter ]
-"No, that was not what I wanted!"
-Did you know when it shattered --
How fast did you process, "I might go to jail"?
-Not at all. -Okay.
You still thought you were fine. -As a matter of fact,
I went into the store to get my prescription.
By the way, bought some Twizzlers.
I´m diabetic. -Oh, wow.
[ Laughter ]
-And came out, and she was still there,
screaming for the police,
even though I gave her my information.
-Okay, gotcha. -And then the cops arrested me
because they said --
I said, "Why are you arresting me?"
They said, "Well, if she was driving
a Toyota Corolla, you would be fine.
But it´s a Mercedes S500,
so we´re arresting you for felony vandalism."
-Ah, ´cause it was a certain cost.
-Yeah, exactly. -I will say, you were --
That is a stone-cold criminal move
to commit felony vandalism and then go buy Twizzlers.
[ Laughter ]
The cops show up, and you´re just eating Twizzlers.
-By the way, which only led to more anxiety,
and I was more scared ´cause I had a sugar high,
and I was like, "You´re putting cookies in the room.
I´m bound to get arrested tonight."
-Now, I have to ask, when you got to jail
were the arresting officers --
-Okay. All right, here´s the key thing.
All right, I see where you´re going down the path.
-I´m not going anywhere! -You heard the story!
So I get to the jail, and all I´ve --
I´m not gonna do like what´s-her-name did,
"Do you know who I am?" you know, type thing.
-Yeah, yeah. -Or anyone does that.
-No. -That´s not me.
I wish I had done it now, though.
-Uh-huh. -All right, so anyhow,
I´m at the jail, and all I´m thinking is,
"Please, one of the police officers know me.
Know me!"
"Oh, we got a -- Jeff, what are you doing here?
We´ll put you over here.
Maybe we´ll get you a cookie.
-Yeah, exactly. [ Laughter ]
-None of the cops knew me.
Every criminal knew me!
[ Laughter and applause ]
If -- [ Laughs ]
If you were handcuffed, you were thrilled.
[ Laughter ]
"Oh, my God! What are you here for?"
"I just got a little felony vandalism.
What are you here for?"
"Oh, just robbed a family.
I love your work, you know, when I´m not robbing people."
-Did you -- Not to obsess over the Twizzlers,
but was that a situation where, when you get there,
they take it and put it in one of those plastic things?
-No, no, no.
It was a big jumbo package. -Uh-huh.
-It was gone by the time they took me away.
-Oh, wow.
-As I was standing there, I was just downing Twizzlers.
There was -- There was no bag to put it away.
My son´s earache medicine, yes, they held that for me.
-Okay, well, that´s very nice. -Yes.
-Oh, my goodness.
So you were going to get earache medicine for your son.
-Yes, he had an ear infection.
But they dropped the charges on the Monday.
And I want to thank, by the way, Kanye West and Kim Kardashian,
because the next day, after I was released,
I was no longer on TMZ because North West was born.
-Oh, perfect.
-So some people may have problems with them.
I have none! [ Laughter ]
I am thrilled with them. I love them.
And you know what else?
Can I have one second, please? -Of course.
-This is, like, serious.
So I had -- They dropped the charges.
But the city wanted to meet with me.
So my lawyer said, "Go take some anger mana--"
You know, meet with some -- for anger management.
-Yeah.
-I´m like, "I don´t have anger management."
I found out I don´t have anger management.
What I found out, and this is not a joke,
is that I have an ego problem,
´cause I had righteous indignation.
Like, "Why would she make fun of for being fat?"
It was over a parking space. So stupid.
And I learned that ego does nothing for you.
It´s about being humble
and being confident in who you are and what you do.
But I learned a great lesson about ego
and how it does me no good.
And so I would --
I was saying, "I wish I had said something."
I´m glad I didn´t say, "Do you know who I am?"
that I experienced this, because, man, that ego thing,
it´s beautiful.
-Oh, that´s fantastic. -Yeah.
-So it was, in the end, a positive.
-Very positive. -That´s great.
-And I would go through it again to learn that.
-That´s fantastic. -Yeah.
-And thank you so much for telling that story.
I really appreciate it. -Oh, sure.
-Sorry for putting you on the spot.