>> Stephen: BEFORE THIS, DID YOU PERFORM THIS MUCH?
YOU'RE ON.
>> I DID.
>> Stephen: 160 SHOWS A YEAR?
>> YES, I DID.
I ACTUALLY DID-- NO ONE WAS THERE.
NO, NO, I DIDN'T DO THAT MANY.
I STARTED MY CAREER AS A STAND-UP COMIC AND ACTOR.
I STUDIED ACTING AT SCHOOL AND THAT SOMPT THING AND THERE WAS A
POINT I THOUGHT MAYBE I SHOULD START WRITING AND PRODUCING
BECAUSE HOLLYWOOD WASN'T HIRING MY TYPE OF THING-- NO, IT'S
TRUE.
IF YOU WERE A BLACK COMIC WHEN I WAS COMING YOU YOU HAD TO BE
URBAN AS IT WAS.
LIKE, YOU WERE FROM THE GHETTO.
>> Stephen: YOU'RE NOT SUFFICIENTLY URBAN?
>> CORRECT, CORRECT.
>> Stephen: I-- YOU'RE SLIGHTLY MORE URBAN THAN I AM.
>> SLIGHTLY, SLIGHTLY MORE URBAN, YES.
BUT YOU'RE PRETTY URBAN, STEPHEN.
>> Stephen: AM I?
>> YEAH.
WHEN YOU'RE DOING THAT SUBWAY GUY, MAN, I WAS LIKE, OH, MAN.
>> Stephen: THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
WERE YOU TEMPTED TO GIVE ME SOME MONEY.
>> I WAS PULLING THE MONEY RIGHT OUT OF MY POCKET AS YOU WERE
DOING IT.
>> Stephen: WHEN THE SHOW IS OVER AT THE END OF THE NIGHT, DO
YOU GO HOME AND WATCH IT?
>> I DIDN'T T CANNOT WATCH MY SHOW?
I CANNOT WATCH MYSELF.
>> Stephen: I'LL WAIT UNTIL YOU ANSWER FIRST.
>> NO, I CAN'T.
NO.
>> Stephen: WHY NOT?
>> I CAN'T-- I'M TOO SELF-CONSCIOUS.
HERE'S THE FIRST THING I THINK-- "GOD MY HEAD IS FAT."
THAT'S THE FIRST THING.
>> Stephen: THAT'S IT.
YOU WATCH WITH MUTE ON.
YOU'RE PRETTY FUNNY, YOU SHOULD TURN THE MUTE OFF.
>> THEN I WOULD BE SAYING FAT HEAD WITH THE MUTE OFF.
THAT DOESN'T MAKE SENSE.
>> Stephen: REALLY?
IN THAT CASE I DON'T WATCH MY SHOW, EITHER.
LIKE YOU GUYS ARE TIED TO THE NEWS CYCLE ALL TIME NOW-- SO AM
I, OBVIOUSLY.
I BROKE THAT CURLING STORY TONIGHT.
>> THAT'S RIGHT.
>> Stephen: ONE OF MY FAVORITE THINGS ABOUT NOT DOING THE NEWS
EVERY NIGHT IS I CAN SORT OF DISENGAGE FROM IT WHENEVER I
WANT, AND DO IT WHENEVER I WANT IT.
BUT YOU'RE HOOKED IN.
YOU'RE VACUUM LOCK FORWARD THE NEWS CYCLE.
ARE YOU READY FOR THE ELECTION?
>> I AM READY.
THIS IS THE MOST EXCITING ELECTION THAT I THINK I CAN --
>> IT'S FERTILE.
>> IT'S UNBELIEVABLE FERTILE.
IT'S THAT TYPE OF FERTILITY-- YOU KNOW WHEN THE SOIL HAS THAT
REAL DARK COLOR.
>> Stephen: OH, YEAH, LOAMY, RICH AND LOAMY.
>> AND IT'S GOOD FERTILE, BUT YOU KNOW WHAT CAUSED THAT
FERTILITY, RIGHT?
RIGHT?
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) YOU KNOW, YOU KNOW EXACTLY
WHAT'S UNDERNEATH IT.
I LOVE IT.
CAN'T GET ENOUGH OF IT.
IT'S FANTASTIC.
>> Stephen: YOU'RE ALSO-- YOUR YUR BOOK, WHICH IS CALLED...
"I'D RATHER WE GOT CASINOS, AND OTHER BLACK THOUGHTS."
>> YES, IT IS, YES.
IT ACTUALLY -- >> NOW FOR THE FIRST TIME
AVAILABLE IN PAPERBACK.
>> IT IS.
I WROTE IT A FEW YEARS AGO.
>> Stephen: YOU WROTE IT A FEW YEARS AGO.
>> I MAY HAVE TO DISAVOW MYSELF ARE FROM SOME OF THE THINGS.
SOME OF MY FAVORITE THINGS IN THERE-- HERE'S WHAT IT IS.
IT WAS LIKE A FAKE COLLECTION OF THINGS.
>> Stephen: WHAT DO YOU MEAN?
>> LIKE IT WAS AS IF I WROTE THESE THINGS OVER THE YEARS AND
SOMEONE COLLECTED ALL MY BLACK THOUGHTS AND PUT THEM IN A BOOK,
OKAY.
THERE'S ONE ESSAY CALLED, "BRING BACK THE SHETLAND NEGRO."
THAT'S NOT REAL.
WHAT IT MEANS IS IT'S AN ESSAY ABOUT HOW AMERICA WAS AT ITS
HAPPIEST WHEN WE HAD WEBSTER AND GARY COLEMAN, WHO I CALL
SHETLAND NEGROES.
>> Stephen: BECAUSE THEY'RE SMALL LIKE A PONY.
>> AND THEY'RE CUTE.
>> Stephen: EXACTLY.
THAT WAS MORNING IN AMERICA.
THAT WAS IN THE REAGAN YEARS.
>> CORRECT.
AMERICA LOVES THE SHETLAND NEGRO, THEY DO.
AND I THINK AMERICA GOT LESS HAPPY WHEN THE SHETLAND NEGRO
WENT AWAY.
I REALLY DO.
THIS IS MY THEORY.
I THINK IT'S TRUE.
I THINK THERE'S SOME SCIENCE TO EXPLAIN IT ALL TOO.
AND THAT'S HOW THE TERRORISTS WIN, WHEN SHETLAND NEGROES GO.
SORRY TO BREAK IT TO YOU.
( APPLAUSE ).
>> Stephen: YOUR SHOW IS TO A CERTAIN EXTENT GOT A FOCUS THAT
OTHER SHOWS DON'T.
YOU TALK ABOUT WELL, MINORITIES.
YOU TALK ABOUT UNDERDOGS.
WHO ARE THE UNDERDOGS IN AMERICA?
>> THERE'S THIS KID WHO-- HE WAS GOING TO GIVE HIS VALEDICTORY
SPEECH-- I THINK IT WAS IN TEXAS OR SOMETHING-- AND HE WAS GOING
TO COME OUT IN HIS SPEECH AS A GAY.
IT WAS VERY EMOTIONAL.
AND THE PRINCIPAL SAID HE COULDN'T DO IT AND CALLED HIS
FAMILY AND OUTED HIM TO HIS PARENTS-- HIS PARENTS DIDN'T
KNOW HE WAS GAY.
IT WAS A TERRIBLE THING TO DO.
SO WE BROUGHT THE KID ON THE SHOW.
>> Stephen: THAT WAS GREAT.
>> WE WERE ALL CRYING, AND HE GAVE HIS SPEECH.
IN THE FIRST PART OF THE SPEECH HE SAID, "MY FAVORITE LATE NIGHT
HOST IS STEPHEN COLBERT!
STEPHEN COLBERT!
I BROUGHT YOU ON MY SHOW.
>> Stephen: THAT'S A GREAT KID.
>> HE SAID THAT!
IT'S A TRUE STORY!
>> Stephen: LARRY, THANKS SO MUCH FOR BEING HERE.
>> THANKS, STEPHEN.
>> Stephen: "THE NIGHTLY SHOW" AIRS AT 11:30 P.M. ON COMEDY
CENTRAL.
"I'D RATHER WE GOT CASINOS AND OTHER BLACK THOUGHTS" IS
AVAILABLE NOW IN PAPERBACK.
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK.