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- Welcome to "Metta World News".
Our top story, why are people always
trying to steal my magic?
In other news, cat litter can be used
to blind people when fighting.
Interesting, I didn't know that.
Well, that wraps up "Metta World News" for this Wednesday,
February biscuit fountain drink.
I'm Metta World, peace, goodnight.
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Welcome to "Metta World News".
In sports, I'd rather eat my hand
than to have my penis cut off.
I'd really have to believe someone was gonna cut it off.
But if I did, I can definitely eat my hand.
I know because I had a dream where I did it.
It was horrible, I ate my whole hand.
Now that's what you call rhetoric.
Well, that wraps up "Metta World News" for this Wednesday
April hurricane slipknot.
I'm Metta World, peace, good night.
(dramatic orchestral music)
Welcome to "Metta World News".
In fashion, if you woke up and there was a four-inch
miniature human standing on your chest,
would you swap them off?
I was really challenged by this question.
I would hope that I'd engage them in conversation,
but in reality, I think I'd be scared of them
and swat them away, which would probably kill them.
Well, that wraps up "Metta World News" for this Wednesday
October noise canceling the octagon tire.
I'm Metta World, peace, goodnight.
Does that fulfill my contract, Satan?
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Welcome to "Metta World News".
Our top story, ninja costumes don't come in size triple X,
which is discriminatory against enormous assassins.
You know what?
Forget about the teleprompter.
I need to speak from the heart.
Well, that wraps up "Metta World News"
for this Wednesday, May staple gun hairbrush.
I'm Metta World, peace, goodnight.
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Welcome to "Metta World News".
I wish there was a genie in here.
Well, that wraps up "Metta World News" for this Wednesday
March hybrid ice rink.
I'm Metta World, peace, goodnight.
Hey Jen, where's that genie?
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Welcome to "Metta World News".
Our top story, the Pope is thinking of moving
out the Vatican so feral cats can live there.
Now let's go to Homemakers Corner with Metta World Peace.
Thank you, Metta.
You need five plastic grocery bags
to make an effective parachute.
Thanks, Metta.
And you will die if you try that.
Well, that wraps up "Metta World News" for this Wednesday
November morning star cocktail napkin.
I'm Metta World, peace, goodnight.
(dramatic orchestral music)
Welcome to "Metta World News".
Our top story, a professional athlete should never post
online looking for people to live action role play
"Hunger Games" with them.
I'm sorry, Gerard, Kaylee and Zach.
Well that wraps up "Metta World News"
for this Wednesday, August microwave woodchuck.
I'm Metta World, peace, goodnight.
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Welcome to "Metta World News".
In science news,
it is impossible to knock yourself out with your own fist.
Let's not fall behind America.
Well, that wraps up "Metta World News" for this Wednesday
biscuit, biscuit, biscuit.
I'm Metta World, peace, goodnight.
You win fish,
I'm the one in the aquarium.