We’re all looking for guarantees in love.
I mean, when you’re dating somebody, part of the reason that you need more, you want
to ask them more questions about their past is because you don’t want to make a mistake,
especially in the early part before you really are sure that this person is the real thing
that you’re feeling.
It’s very common that we locked into this idea.
How much can I know?
What should I ask?
As a therapist, I see a lot of couples who end up asking their partner something about
their past, something about their life before they knew them that when they find out, they’re
so upset and then they judge it and they make allegations about the person and they make
projections about how this person is going to be in the future with them and it turns
into more problems then you can imagine.
So, as a therapist, I’ve decided that I want to talk to you guys about doing some
self-reflection about why you want to know the things you want to know about your partner
from the past, but before I do that, I’m going to tell you some things that I’ve
personally would be curious and would have to ask just because I know myself and the
kind of person I am.
The first thing is I want to know their marriage history.
Have they been married before and how many times and I don’t care how young they were?
I just want to know.
It just makes me feel better if I know that this person vowed to love somebody in the
past forever and then it didn’t work out how it was with them and a lot of times, when
people ask that question, they’re really disappointed because they’re going to tell
you, “I’ve been married three times.”
And then it’s almost impossible not to judge it, but I still want to know it up front.
Secondly, I want to know about their friend history.
Do they have friends that they dated somebody who was their friend in the past?
If I was with somebody, and I found out they had dated a really good friend of mine, I
would have to say that that would be important to me because it might change the way I felt
about this friend and it also may make it awkward at certain times so this is something
I don’t want to be blindsided about.
I just want to know.
Have they ever dated anybody that knew me or a friend of mine, what they considered
a friend of mine from the past?
And then, I’d want to know a little bit about how well they commit so I want to know
how long they dated.
When they dated, did they date a long time?
That means a lot and why does this mean a lot?
Is this a person I really care about and I’m considering a long term relationship with
them, I want to make sure this person can commit?
If I’m the first person they’ve ever really dated, then I’m not saying it’s a deal
breaker.
I’m just saying I want to know so that I could judge so that I could judge if we had
an argument or we have a misunderstanding, how they may have perceived something since
they didn’t have experience with dating before, would make a difference to me and
I think I would be more compassionate and understanding and maybe patient with them
so that would be important.
But overall, the first thing I want to tell you, if you really want to know about somebody’s
past before they knew you, it’s important that when you ask them, you are ready for
the answer and that you don’t judge them necessarily as cruel or bad for you just because
how they were with someone else before they knew you.
For example, before I met my husband, I dated a lot of people and sometimes, I dated more
than one person at a time and that’s considered cruel, right?
But I would never do that to my husband.
I grew up and I got married to him and I’ve been with him forever so if he were to judge
me forever for that area of my life, I would’ve never had a relationship or a beautiful marriage
with him and that’s why it’s important.
Secondly, past problems aren’t always indicative of what you’re going to have now or in the
future.
So, if they tell you an issue they had, maybe they cheated on somebody from the past, ok,
that’s pretty bad, but just because they did that with someone else before they met
you when they were dating doesn’t mean they’re going to do that to you.
They may have woken up.
They may have something completely different than you.
In therapy, we usually say past behaviors usually project what you’re going to get
in the future and for many things, that is true, but it’s not necessarily true with
dating and it’s important you keep that stipulation in there.
Do you have a right to know?
Do you have the right to know how they felt about their past lover or the person they
were closest to?
I think it’s important that you ask yourself that and why do you have that right?
Why do you want to know?
It’s important that you do that self-journey, so you understand.
If you say, “Well, I think it’ll make me feel closer to them if I know.”, then
that’s important and I would preface my asking them with that, but if it was just
something I was curious and just wanted to know, not sure I would with that one.
Would you want your partner asking you?
If you were going to ask your partner a sensitive thing, would it be okay if they asked you?
I think when we ask ourselves that before we say something or ask a question, it really
helps, and I also want to remind you.
If you’re asking a woman questions, she can feel good about you.
You’re interested.
You’re listening.
If you ask a guy a lot of questions, many times, they’ll get defensive because most
guys may carry more guilt or shame if they feel like they did something in the past that
was wrong and they may not be as open to answering your question.
It may be too many emotions that they haven’t even processed and so they’re going to need
a little more time with that.
Is asking your partner personal questions considered a bad thing in relationships?
Not at all.
I’ve had to evaluate relationships based on where the couple is and what I find is
when they communicate, why they want to know, what about it, and usually, if it’s to enhance
and deepen their relationship now with each other, it’s going to work in your benefit,
but just so you know, before you ask, get out a sheet of paper and write down the answer
to these three questions.
The first.
Why do I want to know?
What will it change for yourself, for you and do you think it’ll change the other
person?
That’s still the same question.
What can it change good or bad for the relationship?
And I think when you write those down, and depending on your answers, if it’s going
to be good, if it’s for a good reason, preface the question with I think this is going to
help me love you more if I know this answer or if you can talk about this and then usually,
this works out and the relationship is going to benefit.