♪ He's gonna take you back to the past, ♪
♪ to play the shitty games that suck ass, ♪
♪ he'd rather have, ♪
♪ a buffalo, ♪
♪ take a diarrhea dump in his ear ♪
♪ He'd rather eat, ♪
♪ the rotten asshole, ♪
♪ of a roadkilled skunk, and down it with beer ♪
♪ He's the angriest gamer you've ever heard, ♪
♪ he's the angry Nintendo nerd, ♪
♪ he's the angry Nintendo nerd ♪
Well.
Friday The 13th on Nintendo.
What can you say?
The knife going into the eye in the beginning right away should be an indication of how...
cool, it is.
This game is infamous for being... great, right?
I mean, everybody loves this game, because it's awesome.
I mean, the concept is just brilliant.
Adapting a series of R-rated slasher movies for all the kiddies to play?
Great idea.
There's six camp counselors you can play as,
whether they're characters from the movies or not, I don't care because...
it's a good game.
Goin' around, throwin' rocks at zombies,
collecting lighters,
runnin' around, trying to find fireplaces to light.
What more could ya ask for?
Oh, and every great game has a map screen,
and being that the game is mostly side-scrolling, you can't tell which direction you're supposed to be goin'.
But-- but that's cool, that's cool.
It makes it more challenging, I like that.
Like when you're walking left, but you're really heading to the right on the map?
I love figuring that shit out.
I love it.
Just great.
Like puke up a donkey's ass, what a shitload of motherfuckin' bullfuck!
I mean, I'd rather eat snot and diarrhea, vomited out of a buffalo's dick,
and if you thought I was serious about this game--
[Nerd gets strangled]
--you're absolutely right, because I was just kidding,
I was just kidding, I swear! I swear to god I was just kidding,
I was just kidding! It's not a shitload of fuck!
It's not... a shitload of fuck...
Love this game.
Love the way the stones keep missin' the zombies,
because they go in this nice arc that flies over 'em.
Fantastic.
Gotta get the knife, it's mandatory.
Hear that sound? That's the Jason alarm.
When you hear that, you have to switch to the map screen
and see which cabin's blinking.
You see right there, that's where I am.
And over there, that blinking cabin way over there,
that's where I'm supposed to go to fight Jason.
And I have a time limit, so I need to get all the way over there,
as fast as I can, or else Jason kills one of the camp counselors.
So, which way do I walk?
I guess left because it's left on the map.
Sounds self-explanatory.
So, here I am, just... following the yellow brick road.
♪ Follow the yellow brick road! ♪
'cause that's what it looks like, right? The scarecrow scene...
But that's okay, because... this game kicks ass!
Oh, fuck!
Look at the map.
I've just been walkin' in the wrong fuckin' direction!
What a wonderful game.
The bare basics of left and right do not apply.
And that's why this game is so great, because it's free from all logic.
Logic is for pussies.
So, I finally get to the cabin,
I walk in, and the mannequin counselor says "Thank you!!".
Thanks for... walkin' into the cabin?
I didn't fight Jason yet, but you're welcome.
He's around somewhere...
Oh yeah, he's comin'.
Uh oh, he's comin'!
WHOA!
Whoa, that scared the shit out of me,
and now he's fighting me like in Mike Tyson's Punch-Out!
So I beat him, but he'll be back.
Many times.
Just like in the movies.
Even after they called Part Four "The Final Chapter",
and then they went all [the way] to make it all the way up to number ten,
known as "Jason X" where he's in outer space.
But that's another story.
So for now, I go back to walkin' around, lookin' for cabins with fireplaces.
Wasn't this a great idea, isn't this fun?
Like, go in 3D for the cabin parts?
I love how smooth the camera angles are.
The overall design, the Astroturf floors.
Just ingenious.
The control's so fluent, you just have to might tap the d-pad twice to get it to move.
Isn't this fun?
I just love tryin' to find the door, because,
there's nothin' in here, and now, I just want to get the fuck out.
Just wanna get the fuck out...
[whispering] Get the fuck out...
[whispering] Because it sucks.
Shit!
Goddamn it...
Goddamn it!
Open, you piece of shit!
Son of a fuck...
Oh, shit!
Don't kill me!
Kill me.
So I'm walkin' around,
lookin' for fireplaces,
answering to the Jason alarm every once in a while,
and along the way, I continue to collect lighters, keys, weird bottles.
And because of that rock is as useless as a wad of paper,
upgrading to the knife is essential.
I go into a cabin and right away there's another mannequin camp counselor.
I love how they have no face. That's real creative.
I love all those options on the right.
Most of which could be condensed into just the simple use of the A button.
But, this game just overcomplicates things because it's so good.
So let's try change.
Alright, we switch camp counselors.
So now my character's slower,
I don't have any of my items anymore,
and I'm back to using the fuckin' rock again!
That really accomplished a lot!
The day to night transitions are nice and smooth, I mean seriously.
It's a big improvement over Simon's Quest, where a fuckin' box appears and it interrupts the gameplay!
No need for it, but, Friday The 13th doesn't have that problem.
proving that day to night transitions can work when done right.
Jason comes out every once in a while to scare the shit out of you.
And he looks really good in purple, doesn't he?
That's a good color for him.
Knowing that Jason couldn't have been the only enemy in the game,
it's interesting to see the use of zombies, birds and,
even wolves to add to the mix.
Even Jason's Mom makes an appearance.
And y'know what she reminds me of?
Those annoying, fuckin' Medusas from Simon's Quest!
Or wait...
I'm talkin' about Castlevania 3...
Wait, I hate that game too?
Well anyway...
Let's get back to Friday The 13th.
So, I'm dead.
So once all six of your camp counselors are gone, the game's over.
That's ingenious.
That's, the best game over screen, I ever saw.
For real, I'm actually being dead serious!
Dead fuckin' serious.
That's brilliant, right?
"You and your friends are dead."
"Game over".
It's priceless.
Like, I can't believe it.
Isn't that a mean thing to say to kids?
Nobody ever dies in Nintendo, they're either "defeated" or they,
turn into an item and like, float away.
But here comes a game, like Friday The 13th,
that just cuts the bullshit, shows some balls,
comes flatout and says,
YOU'RE FUCKIN' DEAD.
and your friends too.
Beautiful.
And what if there's a sequel? It would have to say something even worse.
Like, I got it, I got a good idea what it should say.
It should say...
"You're dead."
"Your friends are dead."
"Your family's dead."
"Your fucking pets are being skinned alive."
"Your mom's a fucking whore."
"You suck at life."
"The whole world hates you."
"You're going to hell."
"Live with it."
"Game over."
So...
that's it.
I don't know what else to say.
The music?
Just listen.
[nerdsfakeshockedface.png]
It's fucking great.
And even better, it loops, over and over, you get to hear the same thing, constantly.
Just wonderful.
I love those scary faceless kids in the cabin.
Makes me have nightmares.
As if the map screen isn't confusing enough,
when you go into the cave or the woods,
you have no idea where you are.
When you stand on a path, you press up and the screen changes.
You have no idea where you are, because the graphics are so repetitive.
Every goddamn screen looks the same.
I can't tell where I am, or where I'm goin' with this shit!
And the cabins? Just fuckin' horrible!
I can't find the fuckin' fireplaces, I get lost once I'm inside,
I can't even just simply turn around and see the door,
the control's so fuckin' awkward!
I'd rather play Doom on Atari.
I'd rather play Halo on a Tiger Electronic wrist game.
I'd rather drown in diarrhea, I'd rather fuckin' eat my fuckin' balls off and puke 'em up my fuckin' ass,
I'd rather piss a cactus out of my dick!
The music is fuckin' worse than life itself,
and I'd turn the volume down, except for the fact that I have to hear the Jason alarm!
It's all just a test of patience,
and it can kiss my FUCKIN' asshole!
Huugh!
Die!
Die! x2
Piece of shit!
Ugh!
Huugh!
You're easier to beat in real life
than you are in that fuckin' game, you no-good piece of--
This game...
is fuckin'...
HORRIBLE!