Today we were talking about 12 ways that you might be ruining your
Conversations and how to fix them. So no one's going to tell you. Hey, you're really killing the
Conversation. Could you stop doing what you're doing? I mean it's very unlikely, so I want to share some
Crowd-sourced ideas. I asked a bunch of my friends for all of the ways. They could think of how people
ruin everyday conversations in English
So whether you are a native English speaker or learning English, this is going to help you to have more
Positive conversations and I think establish better connections with people better
Relationships and that's what it's all about. I would love for you to tell me in the comments as you're watching this
Which of these points do you think is the worst for me the worst are number five?
Number seven and her 12 and I'll tell you why just keep watching
Also if you can add any
Conversation killers any ways that you think that people often just ruin conversations?
Please share them in the comments. And if it is your first time here, well, then welcome to go natural English
I'm Gabby Wallace an American English teacher and I love
Helping you have better English conversations to connect with people and express yourself fluently number one
Thinking about what you are going to say next as opposed to being a good active listener
You might get stuck in this trap where you really want to sound good you want to say something interesting?
but if you're thinking while the other person is talking you're not actually hearing them and
Everyone really wants to be heard. We want to know the other person is
interested in what we're saying and so if you are not an active listener if you're constantly
Thinking about what you are going to say when it's your turn to talk
Other person is going to feel that so I made a whole
Video about how to be a great active listener and I'll share that at the end of this video
But just know that it's better to be a good listener. You're gonna have better conversations
Then if you're always thinking about what you are going to say
number two
Pretending you understand what the other person said when you don't I know it happens to me too where you're in a conversation
And you think maybe you understood what they said. So you're like, uh-huh. Uh-huh
You just nod your head and agree, but then you're like wait
what did they say and it is is a really fast way to kill the conversation because if you're not sure what they said then
It's almost impossible to make a good follow up question or to share your opinion about what they said
So it's totally normal to not catch
100% of the conversation if you don't just ask you just say hey
What did you say or where did you mean by number? Three small talk all
The time so small talk is great. It's a great way to start a conversation
but after a few minutes most people want to go to a deeper level of conversation to get to know you better or
They would like to move on to talk to someone else
So a small talk would just be surface level maybe talking about things that are not so revolutionary
or insightful or thoughtful or personal talking about the weather talking about some
sports events that just happen
I mean, these are great topics for small talk again
But it's great to have some questions in your toolbox in your minds to go deeper
So there are some great questions that you can use in a lot of different situations. So, what are you working on?
What are you excited about?
and so I love these questions because they allow the other person to really
Just share what they would like to and I have a lot more
Questions to help you get into deep conversation inside my audio ebook the English fluency formula
So these are just some examples that I've included inside the e-book as well number four when you just can't respond fast
Enough, even if you have something in your head to say you want to share your opinion you want to share some experience
But you just can't seem to formulate the right phrase or think of the right vocabulary word in the moment
It's so frustrating. I know I've been there and this is especially hard if you're speaking a second language
so my friends Tommy who is an English speaker learning Spanish said
I just always respond with CC because I can't think of how to make a full sentence yet
And so let me share with you
If you are speaking a second language that you don't feel very fluent in yet
Use fillers like well or um use them sparingly
But they can help you to buy time
Another phrase you could use is let me think or how do you say or?
Yes, I have something to say about that
And while you're using these fillers or these phrases that help you buy time you can think about what you really want to say
number five a
One-sided conversation. Don't just talk about yourself. It's great to share. It's great to you know be able to
Share your life and about yourself
but if you notice the other person has stopped responding or stopped showing their interest and their eyes are getting
Glazed over and they're falling asleep. It might be time to ask them a question about
Themselves. So keep some questions in your mental toolbox that you can ask anybody. You know, like I
mentioned what are you excited about or even a simple question that people always ask what do you do or
How about you so whatever you shared you can ask the other person. How about you so if you find yourself
answering other people's questions
But not asking questions about themselves. You might be a one-sided
conversationalist so think of some questions
Even if they're simple ones that you can use to bounce conversation back to the other person number 6 huge
leaps
changing the topic in a completely illogical manner this kind of feels like you're just stealing the energy of the
Conversation to redirect it to talk about something that you want to talk about
But it feels like maybe you weren't interested in what the other person was saying
Sometimes you have to change the topic, but it's better. It's more natural. It's more
flowing if you can gently guide the
conversation from topic to topic maybe asking a follow-up question related to the topic that you are talking about or
introducing a new topic by sharing something
related to the first topic or asking a question to introduce a new topic or
Sharing something that you experienced or you thought to introduce a new topic
You can also use transition words
or if you really want to change the topic to something completely different consider using a phrase like I know this is
Totally unrelated but or okay, this is random
But I have to say or I have to ask
Ok, these phrases can make a big difference and making the other person feel more comfortable because you're guiding the conversation
To a logical place and it doesn't feel like a shock
It's like if you're talking about basketball and then you start talking about your favorite food
It's like there's no relation and it just kills the conversation number seven. One of my big ones is complaining
So if you have something to say that you're not happy about that's fine
But make sure it's not all the time that you're not
talking in a negative way or
Complaining or putting things down people down ideas down all the time
if everything that comes out of your mouth is like a reason why
People should not do something or a reason against something or talking
badly or poorly
about someone really check yourself here because other people don't
Enjoy that kind of feeling that comes from complaining and talking in a night
Fashion instead of complaining all the time
Try finding something positive that you could share with someone and it leaves people with a more positive energy
When they talk to you and therefore, they'll want to talk to you more if you are contributing
positive ideas
compliments they will enjoy talking with you more doesn't mean that you always have to be positive or that you can't express a
Dislike or a negative opinion just keep things in balance and sometimes it's better to not say anything bad
Than to continue to complain number 8 is kind of related to complaining and being negative is being
critical about other people's ideas
So if someone shares their idea with you
Maybe they have an idea for a new app or a new business or something that they're gonna try a new hobby
Instead of immediately telling them why it won't work or why it's a bad idea, or maybe hey somebody else already thought of that
They're already doing it. Just try asking a question
Just try being more curious and asking them about their idea because they obviously want to talk about it
They're obviously excited about it if they're sharing it with you
so give them that opportunity to share with you and ask them a few questions to express their idea more fully and then
Only if and when they actually ask for your opinion or if you say hey
Do you mind if I share my experience or my ideas then you might share maybe some words of caution with them
number nine
Joking all the time. So jokes are fun. I love comedy
But if you can't have a serious conversation, or if you can't answer a serious question
If you're just always joking
It can be really annoying know when joking is appropriate and when it's not you also just don't want to be joking all
The time like if someone just wants some information or your true opinion
They don't want to guess all the time if you're joking or not. This happens a lot with sarcasm, too
don't overuse star kasim as a way to be funny or
Like a fun person sarcasm can be fun sometimes but if you overuse it
then it just kills the conversation numbers and
one-upping instead of being happy for someone when they share their achievements or something that they're proud of you feel the need to
Share something that you've done that's even better even more impressive
bigger and better and this is just not a very positive feeling for the other person, you know, they're trying to
Really feel good about what they have accomplished and you should allow them to do that, you know congratulate them. Ask them questions
about their achievements
actually the person who helps others to celebrate themselves, I think is the bigger better more positive and
more fun person to talk to
So even if you've accomplished a lot and you'd love to share that just allow other people to have the spotlight
sometimes and you know, you can always share your
accomplishments later when the conversation has shifted
there number eleven
oversharing do not share about your
medical issues right away do not share about
mental health issues right away
If you have just met the person of course
You can talk about these things and you should talk about these things with a doctor a therapist your family your close friends
But if you're at let's say a professional networking event
Nobody wants to hear about how what you ate for lunch is giving you stomach issues
so do not share your bodily issues with someone that you've just met it's a turn-off it kills the
conversation people don't want to talk about things that are unpleasant like that and they will
Just move on. They won't want to keep talking with you. Try talking about it in a more general non
Descriptive way if you're not feeling well after lunch just say I'm not feeling well after lunch
Nobody needs the details
If you are telling your teacher that you are sick and can't make it to class
Don't email her an email about what happened in the bathroom. This has happened to me guys. It's not necessary
We don't need to know
instead you can
Keep it general and nondescript or change the topic, you know
Ask someone a question about themselves not about their bodily functions or mental illness
but just shift the conversation to something more pleasant and socially acceptable and number 12 one of my
Favorite ways to ruin a conversation is talking about religion or politics. This is like a two-for-one
I remember I really wanted to have a self-care day a relaxing day
So I went to a spa and I was getting a facial I had
A mask on and the woman was like working on my skin and then she started asking me what do you think about?
Politics in the u.s. You know, do you?
support the president and I was just so sad that she brought up politics when you know
I was trying to relax and I felt like it wasn't a really
Enjoyable experience anymore because I didn't want to talk about politics
I just really didn't if you're in this kind of situation where you don't want to talk about religion or politics
There are several really?
Amazing phrases that you can use to politely get yourself out of that
topic or out of that conversation whether you want to change the topic and continue talking to that person or
Whether you want to politely end the conversation and move on to talk to somebody else so I'm gonna share
10 top phrases that you can use to politely
Change the topic or end a conversation in next Wednesday's videos
So make sure that you subscribe here to go natural English
So you don't miss that video next week on Wednesday 10 a.m
Eastern Standard Time now just going back to number 1 about active listening
You need to watch this video right over
Here next that will teach you all the phrases you need to know to show your interest to be engaged in a conversation
Even without speaking a single word. Thanks again laughs bye for now