- Set List is unique.
Now normally when you see a standard comedian perform,
you see them give you material that they have created,
they have crafted, they have honed.
They have perfected.
We are going to give them a Set List,
they are going to improve a stand up comedy routine
out of thin air.
The comedians will see their Set List topics
at the exact same moment that you see them
for the very first time.
Give it up for never before seen Set List
of Mr Moshe Kasher!
(cheering)
- All right, all right.
Okay, it's been pretty good so far, huh?
Yeah.
I'm about to take a shit on that right now.
I don't know, straight up don't know,
I straight up can do this.
(laughing)
I just fucking can't do it.
In the back I heard, they were talking,
they were like, "We're running a little low
"on time, make them go quicker."
This is the fucking internet, why?
There's nothing.
Is something else happening afterwards?
Is there a livestream of Two Girls One Cup
we're about to get into?
I think we'll be okay if we go
a little long on the internet.
You know, the place where they store all of the information?
(laughing)
Sometimes I write jokes that I find disrespectful, myself.
The very topic of my own joke I find to be offensive.
I wrote a joke about this when I was younger,
when I had a less nuanced idea of sexuality
and I thought, "Oh, it'd be funny
"if I wrote a long joke about how I fuck old-ass people.
"Brittle-ass hips, popping bones."
From the streets, I'm a straight up gangster, I'm a crip.
What's up?
Find me youtube.com/anonymous.
So I wrote this long bit about how
I sleep with old people so that you don't have to
but then I started doing it for real
because what would happen.
I started off comedy like 1920, 1922,
I was basically the first dude.
It was me, it was Mel B, we called him
Mel B back then, Mel Brooks.
It was Sammy Davis Jr., we didn't like him
because of, you know.
No, 'cause of the lazy eye, what was happening for you guys?
Anyway, I was the young dude,
they called me the young cat,
they called me the crip of comedy.
The crips had started at that point, 1922
and I started doing my big close, which was
I sleep with he elderly, and then I'll go like this
and everybody would say, "So that you don't have to."
And I'd be like, "That's my time, y'all."
And then I just ejaculate.
That was what comedy was like before
all the standard and practices.
That's why we're getting back to the internet.
I first started comedy on the internet in 1922.
Here's the point,
what ended up happened was, as a result of my big closer,
Some sleep with the elderly so that you don't have to.
After the show I would just be lined up,
I mean just like, lines of just senior citizens.
Straight up people, dialysis.
They were just, like, you know what I mean?
They were just like, "One favor,
"just pound it out before I go."
You know what I mean?
Pound it out before I go.
That's what they would say,
they were very weird old people.
And so, I would, I would do that.
I started to slowly, over the time,
over the course of my comedy career,
I started to just knock boots with many an old person
and I started to realize a flaw in my own joke.
Which is that I don't sleep with the elderly
so that you don't have to, I sleep with the elderly
so that I can, it's the best.
It's better than, what do you want a young woman for?
I fuck women, surprise.
You know what I mean?
What do I want a young woman for?
Bad conversation and perfect body?
No thanks.
I want some leather, you know what I mean?
I want to slide, I want to pull it
around myself like a Lap-Band.
I sleep with the elderly because I can.
Yeah.
(cheering)
Yeah, there's a lot of people that are
gonna have a lot of explaining to do when they get up.
First of all, Jesus, I'm a Jew, not real.
No, he's real, he's just a...
Really real great guy.
I'm sure he's up there, I'm sure he's got a beard
and he's gonna be all floating, you know what I mean?
He's gonna be, "Hello and welcome to heaven."
Andy you'll be like, "Uh, Jesus,
"why do you sound like a ghost?"
He's like, "I always have been a ghost."
And then he'll pull off his own face
and it'll be the father, God, the father
and then pull it off again, it'll be God the son
then pull it off again, it'll be the holy ghost.
"Holey ghost, get it?
"Ha ha ha."
And then it'll be like, "You laugh like the count."
He'll be like, "I'm also the count,
"I am all things, all thing are possible through me.
"No one gets to heaven but by me."
And I'll be like, "I'm a Jewish."
And he'll be like, "Me too!"
The point--
(laughing)
The point is,
if Jesus is standing at the Pearly Gates or whatever
and people get up there, there's a lot of people.
I'm on Twitter, it's @MosheKasher, please follow me.
And there's a lot of people
who are gonna have a lot of explaining to do.
A lot of you YouTube people are gonna have a lot
of explaining to do, you know what I mean?
When you go to church on Sunday
but then you log onto the internet and bully some kid,
you know what I mean?
Maybe some kid who's maybe 33 years old
and trying his best to make a career in stand up comedy
that doesn't need these negative comments all the time.
You're gonna have to explain to your maker,
Jesus, the magic man,
why you say I look like Buddy Holly.
Why you say I look like Harry Potter.
Why you say I look like every white person
with glasses that has ever existed.
And then Jesus'll be like, "Have you met Rob Delaney?
"I love that guy, great jokes."
And then I'll be like, "Yeah, I met him.
He was the main bully on Twitter this whole time."
I'm into some freaky shit, right?
No, I am, but I'm not the best.
I'm the best stand up comedian you'll ever see, obviously.
- This week.
(laughter)
- Thank you so much, guys.
But I'm not the best at S and M,
I didn't invent the shit, you know what I mean?
I'm an amateur at best.
Every year, there's the AVN in Las Vegas,
where they honor all the best pornographers in the world
and they give awards away for things like that.
I've won many an award, best Lap-Band act out,
I won that award.
But not everybody knows this, that's the hotel in Las Vegas,
the AVN pornography awards, if you go to the AVN Awards,
you take the elevator to the basement
and then you walk down five more flights.
In the dungeon of the AVN Awards
is the dungeon captivity awards.
Now, some of the first winners of this were,
of course, the Spanish for the Spanish Inquisition.
They won a lot of great awards for that.
There was, of course, the Goodbye Horses guy,
tuck your dick between your legs, that was his move.
Goodby Horses, that was an improv.
He was doing Set List.
I'm serious, the Goodbye Horses guy,
this was straight up, it just said,
"Fuckin' do some freaky shit."
And then he just talked and he went for it.
That guy was the first winner.
Now, I did win an award one time
for spooling thread around my own balls
for more than a week but that was an accident.
People thought I was doing it as a performance piece
because I did film it, of course,
and livestream on Jash.
But no, that was just an accident.
I won an amateur award.
But the greatest winner, of course, of all time,
the greatest dungeon captivity winner of all time.
Do you guys know who it was?
It was the last dude.
It was the dude that you have to explain Twitter to.
It was that Jesus dude before his wonderful trick:
stay in a cave for three days,
float up to heaven, come back down and change the world.
That was Jesus.
I mean, it's the old dichotomy.
It's the old pussy dick dichotomy,
you know what I mean?
Which way do you go?
Like, sir, you seem like a dude that's
fucked a hermaphrodite or two in your day.
No, I'm saying, when you go out to--
Okay, so most hermaphrodites have made a choice, right?
Or not a choice, it's not a choice, there's no choice.
But most hermaphrodites do identify with gender
but as we all know, gender is mostly a myth.
So let's say you're a person that's
really straight down the middle, you know what I mean?
Maybe you are a person that has not decided male or female.
But maybe you got a Moshe Kasher sized dick,
you know what I mean?
And you got a real nice tight teenage pussy.
Come on guys, go with it, it's the internet.
And you gotta make a decision,
tonight, am I gonna get fucked or fuck.
But, you know what?
Here's the deal, here's the theal, here's the seal,
here's the seal kissed by a rose.
I've been kissed by a rose.
As we all know, except for the people on the internet
who have never experienced the touch of a lover,
at times it's difficult.
At times it's not worth the effort.
You go out to the club, you meet somebody,
you meet the person, the club, you know the club.
We all go to da club, right?
We all do that, right, stripes?
Okay, the point is you go out,
you meet somebody, you have to engage in boring conversation
and then you bring them home
and then you guys rut like little animals
and then you cum and you're like,
"Oh fuck, you're still here."
You know what I mean?
Sometimes it's not worth the effort.
There's no tough hermaphrodite decision,
you stay home, wrap into yourself,
close the deal on yourself.
Its the greatest thing anyone can do.
Don't oh, think, "I wish."
I wish that could be me, I truly do.
I wish you all could've experienced
what it was like to perform for you
because it was really great.
Thank you guys very much, I'm Moshe Kasher, goodnight.
(cheering)
- Moshe Kasher!