- Okay, so today, I thought I'd tackle a bit of a fun topic,
a lot of aspies I know have told me
that they just don't get flirting or how it works.
So today, I thought I would break it down
in a bit of a systematic way
and see if I can shed some light
on what's going on behind the scenes.
So flirting is a connection between two people.
So to make that work, the goal is feedback.
So I'm going to outline four levels of communication
to make that possible.
And then go into a little bit
about how that can actually be used.
Every human connection is different.
So I can't tell you exactly
what's that's going to look like
or be too prescriptive
about what you should do in the moment.
Because it's more about following your impulse at the time.
But I can tell you that if you're not getting feedback,
then there's no real connection.
So these are kind of like the conditions
under which it is possible to have that connection.
It's a little bit like I can't help you exactly
what a flower is going to grow into.
But I can tell you that it's gonna need
sun and soil and water, for example.
Okay, so let me try and explain
what I've drawn here with the four levels of communication.
So just because I send a message
doesn't necessarily mean being received, right?
So if I say hello, and you don't hear it,
well, that's, that's level one.
And that's not very useful.
Level two is I say, Hello, and you do hear it.
Level three is I say, Hello, you hear it
and I know that you hear it.
And level four is a say Hello, you hear it,
I know that you hear it
and you know that I know that you've heard it.
And when we get to this level,
this is where a real conversation,
real communication starts taking place.
Because if both of us are 100% sure that the message
has been received, then it rules out the possibility
of the message being ignored. Right?
Up here, for example, I say Hello, and you heard it.
But I don't know that you heard it.
If you ignore it, then I'm not really sure what's going on,
did you? Are you not responding?
Because you didn't hear what I said
or you're not responding
because you don't want to talk to me.
Whereas here, if you don't respond,
if you give me the cold shoulder,
it's a very, very clear message
that it's because you have chosen not to talk to me
and then that's some feedback
that I can then use to decide what I do next.
On the other hand, if you do respond,
well, then it's also some feedback.
It means I do know that you're happy to interact with me
and you know, maybe we can set the level up a little bit.
So let me give you another example
of why it's so important to be at this level, right?
Let me use touch as an example, right?
I'm touching you and you don't know
that I'm touching you, right? Creepy!
I'm touching you, and you know that I'm touching you,
but I'm not sure that, you know, creepy, don't go there.
I know that you know, but you're not sure that I know,
is borderline, you know,
you don't really want to hang around a very long
whereas here everything is out in the open.
If we both know that we both know.
And this means that if I get a positive reaction,
that's great.
If I get a negative reaction,
at least I know that that's a negative reaction,
then I can I can start to modify my behavior
based on the feedback that I'm getting.
And the reason that feedback is so important
is because ultimately,
flirting is about any connection between two people.
And if you don't have feedback, you don't have a connection.
Now the reason I'm emphasizing this
is because people often associate flirting
with being subtle, right?
And that's perfectly true
because when two people have a connection,
it's almost like they're on their they're communicating
on their own special frequency.
And using really, really subtle communication
that no one else in the room can understand.
But the two people who are on that wavelength, they get it.
And that's part of what makes it so exciting.
Because it's like you're sharing
this secret language with someone,
and you're playing with someone in a way
that only you two can really appreciate.
So flirting is supposed to be subtle.
How do we make sure it's not creepy? Right?
It needs to be at this level,
where no matter how subtle it is,
you have to be 100% sure that the other person knows
that you know that they know that you know, right?
Okay, so I'm hoping that some of this is making sense.
So the next step is how do you actually use it in real life?
And, again, I can't tell you all of the steps
but I can tell you what the first step looks like.
And the first step is the smallest interaction
you can think of that satisfies this criteria.
And that first step could be something
as simple as a Hello, right?
So long as we are both sure
that we're both sure that the message was heard,
then then we're communicating.
So I've got three examples here.
It could be a look, a word or a touch.
So a look could be, you know,
catching someone's eye or a little wink or something.
Words is pretty obvious.
Something you say to say to another person,
often with some kind of innuendo
or some kind of meaning
that doesn't necessarily mean anything.
But if you're on the same if you're on the same wavelength,
then they will understand.
And that's kind of the fun of it.
It's almost like that's right,
we're on the same wavelength.
We're connected.
And I'm asking you to read my mind,
are you thinking what I'm thinking?
'Cause Yeah, that's, that's I'm going with this.
And then touch is pretty straightforward as well,
there's lots of very stereotypical flirts
involving touch.
And again, really, all of these are really, really little
or they start really, really little, at least.
And the beauty of keeping that first step small,
is it's really safe, right?
If I say Hello to someone, and they ignore me, big deal.
If I jumped straight in with something overtly sexual,
for example,
that's probably inappropriate in most situations
because I haven't tested the feedback yet
to see if that's welcome or not.
So I say Hello
and if that's welcome, then I might try something else.
But feedback works best when you get
lots and lots of small instances of feedback.
And the reason that's really convenient
and easy is because you can stay
on one level as long as you want
and until you've got enough feedback that you're confident
you can increase the level a little bit.
And when speaking to someone
that you've never spoken to before,
some smalltalk advice that I found really,
really helpful was asking a question about the location
or the occasion.
And the purpose of that is just to break the ice,
just to start communicating with someone start interacting
with someone to get a sense of,
are they happy to interact with you or not?
Because if if they're not open to that interaction,
then you're not really you're not really welcome.
So there's you can't move forward,
if you're not welcome,
that you don't know
if you're welcome until you start somewhere.
So that's why one of the reasons that small talk exists
because it's always socially acceptable to go up
and say anything socially appropriate to someone, you know,
in terms of small talk.
Hello, how are you doing? What's your job?
Boring things Like that.
So this has been a framework that's really helped me a lot.
Hopefully found it useful and happy flirting.
So yeah.