Let's kick things off with the weather report.
Spoiler alert:
you might want to lock yourself inside again.
NEWSWOMAN: As if 2020 wasn't enough,
we now have zombie tropical storms.
This is video from when Hurricane Paulette
hit Bermuda earlier this month.
It was downgraded
to a post-tropical low-pressure system,
but Paulette regained strength
and became a tropical storm again on Monday.
It's now about 300 miles
off the coast of the Azores Islands.
Oh. Zombie storms?
Man, the weather has truly figured out
how to mess with us now.
Storms used to hit us and then be gone,
but now it's like,
"All right, I'm done, I'm done.
"Whoa, I'm back!
Got you, bitch."
It feels like Mother Nature realizes
that America isn't taking coronavirus seriously,
so she just keeps coming up with new ideas
to keep people in their homes.
You know, giant wildfires, storms that don't die.
Pretty soon, when we open the front door,
there's just gonna be a tree who kicks us back in the house.
"Get your ass back in there."
At the same time, though,
can we acknowledge that a zombie storm
is just a storm that lost pressure
and then regained it?
It's only exciting because the weather people
try to jump on the "2020 sucks" bandwagon
and give it a scary name.
But, I mean, you can make anything sound scary that way.
Oh, it's not morning dew.
It's zombie condensation.
Moving on to New York City,
concrete jungle where dreams are made of.
-(phone rings) -Oh, that's weird.
Why am I getting a call from Alicia Keys's lawyer?
The pride of New York City has always been
its mass transportation system.
The city has one the world's oldest,
largest and greatest subway and bus systems,
but it turns out there's always room for improvement.
NEWSWOMAN: Today the MTA will vote on a new rule
that really should have been an old one.
It will ban defecating
on the city subways and buses
and inside transit facilities.
Right now, rules mandate $100 fines
for creating a nuisance
or unsanitary conditions on public transit,
but the MTA feels the need to be more specific
about what is and is not a toilet.
Wait, pooping on the subway
is only getting banned now?
That's insane.
Here I was getting all angry when people used to do that.
Turns out they were just obeying the rules.
And look, I don't want to make broad generalizations here,
but I'm willing to bet that if you're taking a shit
on the subway, you don't have $100.
Like, do they really think that giving out fines
is how they're gonna solve this problem?
Because, I mean, I'm not a genius,
but I'm pretty sure nobody who has a toilet at home
and who isn't mentally ill is taking a dump in the subway.
It's not like Wall Street bankers
are on their Bluetooth like,
"I'm telling you, Barry, I crushed that trade goal.
"Hold on, hold on. I got to jump on the 6 train real quick
and pinch off a loaf."
All I'm saying is I don't think the main reason
people were pooping on the subway
was because it's free.
In fact, if anything, fining people
for pooping on the subway could backfire.
People are gonna start shitting on the subway
just to flex how rich they are.
People are just gonna be like,
"Yeah, that's right, baby.
I got that subway poop money. Bam."
But let's change the subject to the continuing impact
of the Black Lives Matter movement.
Already, we have seen police departments
forced to accept reforms,
statues of Confederate leaders toppled
and problematic syrup poured out.
And now another outdated brand is getting a makeover.
NEWSMAN: New this morning, Uncle Ben's rice products
are getting a new name, Ben's Original.
The logo depicting a Chicago head waiter
is also being dropped.
The new branding will have the same blue font
and orange packaging and will hit shelves in 2021.
The changes come amid a broader movement about racial equality.
In June, the companies that make Uncle Ben's,
Aunt Jemima, Cream of Wheat and Mrs. Butterworth's
said they would retire or rebrand their products.
Ben's Original?
Who the hell is Ben?
I don't want to get rice from some stranger I don't know.
I only trusted the other guy because he was my uncle.
Like, I get that they wanted to change the name
because some people didn't like the connotations,
but surely they could have replaced "uncle"
with another family title, you know?
To make us comfortable.
Could have been Nephew Ben or Cousin Ben
or Your Mom's Special Friend Ben Who She Wrestles with
While You Play with Your Toys in the Other Room.
Yeah, I know he's making sex with my mom,
but his rice is dope.
Now, personally, I think it's a good thing
that brands are reexamining their mascots.
And while we're at it,
can we please rename Chester Cheetah?
Yeah, because that's an African animal, okay?
And as an African, I've never known
a cheetah named Chester in my life.
So, Cheetos, it's time to change it
to Bathandwa Cheetah.
That sounds more real to me.
But while it's great that some products
are changing their packaging to be less offensive,
let's not pretend that this is the worst manifestation
of racism in America.
I mean, what's really holding Black people back
is stuff like this.
The CEO of Wells Fargo under fire for comments he made
about the bank's lack of diversity.
Reuters reports that Charles Scharf blamed it on
"a limited pool of Black talent to recruit from"
during a Zoom call this summer,
and then he repeated it in a memo in June.
Mr. Scharf has reportedly promised
to double the number of African American employees
in key positions by 2025,
already adding two people.
Mr. Scharf isn't the only one facing criticism.
The Post is reporting that five recent executives
hired by JPMorgan Chase CEO Jamie Dimon,
they were all white.
Okay. Okay.
This is an interesting dilemma.
Wells Fargo say that they want to hire more Black talent,
but they also say there's just not enough
Black talent in finance to hire from.
Which is weird, because every day,
thousands of Black graduates are trying to get into finance.
Maybe they're missing each other on the train.
They should take out one of those ads.
If you're not hiring Black people,
it's because you don't give a shit.
Don't be like it's 'cause you can't find them.
How hard are you actually trying?
"Hey, guys, do you see any Black people to hire?
Yeah, neither do I. All right, we're gonna go with Chad."
And, you know, one of the things that gets me
about this story is this.
Wells Fargo "can't find" Black people to hire,
according to them, right?
But whenever Wells Fargo is searching
for Black people to exploit,
oh, then they never seem to come up short.
They've been sued for charging Black and brown people
higher interest rates in Sacramento and Philadelphia
and Miami and Baltimore.
They found Black people then.
I mean, whoever found those Black people to exploit,
just have them look for Black people to hire,
because, I mean, clearly,
they know where the Black people are at.
And Wells Fargo might be in the news,
but they're not the only ones making this excuse.
You hear it all the time.
Companies want to hire Black talent.
They just can't find it.
But the truth is it's all about your hiring practices.
Tons of companies rely on their employees
to recommend new people for them to hire,
which is natural, right?
But the problem is
if your company is already predominantly white,
there's a good chance that the people your employees recommend
are also gonna be other white people
'cause, you know, the only people they know
are gonna be white.
I mean, look at The Office. Right?
Yeah, the show The Office. Think about it.
If Michael Scott asked his employees
for referrals on a new hire, how many of these people
are gonna have a Black friend to recommend?
You think Toby does?
Angela? Dwight?
You think Dwight has a Black friend?
(chuckles) You guys are playing games.
Dwight doesn't even have human friends.
These people don't have any Black friends.
The only Black friend they have is Stanley,
and he already works there.
Look, here's the truth of the matter.
If companies want to hire Black people,
they will find a way to make it happen.
They can start apprenticeship programs.
They can start getting people trained
into the positions that they want to hire them for.
They can give them a shot
the same way they gave many white guys a shot.
This is the same argument that companies had
with women back in the day.
"Oh, but women are just not qualified.
Where do you find a woman? They're all in the kitchen."
If you want to make it happen, you can make it happen.
And don't tell me it's because Black people aren't in finance.
Black people love finance.
And I'm not just talking about, like, graduates.
I'm just talking about Black people in general.
You ever watched a rap video?
There's people counting more money
than you've ever seen in your life.
"So what do you think makes you qualified
to work in this bank?"
♪ I got my mind on my money and my money on my mind. ♪
You're hired.